testing. testing.

So I've been getting pretty confident in the past few weeks in my ability to 'deal' with life, and having faith in Divinity. I've been working on strengthening/clearing my lower chakras and learning how to use them properly as I've spent most of my life in la la 4-7th chakra land. As with any major growth event, life provided me with an opportunity to see what i need to work on.

Hence, "Testing. Testing. Chakra 1 are you there?"
Hello, Dolly! Woohoo! It turns out I do have a first chakra. Who'dathunkit? This is my connection to my roots, my family, my tribe, my finances...my foundation, if you will (along with Chakras 2-3). So my bank account got all screwed up in a seemingly never-ending cycle of: debit. debit. debit. will not deposit. debit. fees. fees. more fees. did we mention we'll charge MORE fees? This happened to me once before and I freaked out. Well. I was scared for a bit, but decided to talk to my family. I knew that with every prayer Grace is immediately sent back along with guidance. The question is: how do we read that guidance? On Saturday I thought "go talk to your father." I thought, ok. hmm. ok. he's working on the house. hmm.

Sunday comes along: "talk to your dad." hmm. really? hmm.

Monday: I actually see my dad. Dad empathizes. Daddy helps. Yay! Problem solved. Well, kind of. We still need to work on the underlying issue but, I listened to my intuition and received Grace! I'm just psyched. It works!!! It really works!

I have more to share but I'm so excited that I'm rambling :D Have a beautiful day.

PS: for more info on what i'm working on (chakras), go to Carolyn Myss' Website and click on chakras.

feeling better.

Mercury, Venus and Moon in Colorado
I've been thinking about this, and overall I feel better than I ever have in my life. I'm clear, focused, and secure. I have faith in myself, and all That Is. I've been practicing the balance of spiritual, physical and emotional. It seems a natural inclination. For example, after waking and dressing, I'll do Tai Chi in the morning while my breakfast is cooking. I'm more adept at self diagnosis: i'm more aware of what I'm feeling, and am able to be honest enough with myself to find out what I need to do about it. I've noticed a lot of fear rules my life, and I am working on unplugging from that (re-training my reflexes). It takes a lot of patience and love.

Ever since I can remember, I've lived a double life. I would say about 20% of my attention was focused on present time ('real life'). The rest of the time I would spend in some fantasy world that my mind created for 'escape.' I can't fathom how many hours of my life I've spent fantasizing about my life, my future, my career, my children, my friends, my home...guys i've liked, movies i've watched, books i've read.

The past 3 weeks have been strongly focused on living in the present and letting go of memories/fantasies as much as possible. Can I tell you that I feel clear-headed, energetic, and happy? That I'm making higher grades than I've ever made? With less of the stress and self-abuse that tends to occur? A huge contribution to this is the level of trust I've placed in my Higher Guidance and All That Is. It works! It really works!

Butterflies keep crossing my path, and I'm so happy when I see them. At first I smiled internally whenever I saw one, but today, while driving to school I caught myself grinning hugely as one flew right by my car. I was almost in shock at how happy and grateful I was for that moment. It was amazing. This is how life should make me feel. No. This is how I should feel about life.

Sincerely,

happy and grateful in florida

living by a code

i've determined that each individual has her own honor code. Something that is born inside of them, and later influenced by their family and culture. I've noticed throughout my life that whenever I do certain things, my solar plexus hurts, or I feel slightly uncomfortable. I used to shove that feeling aside and keep going. I figured out that the feeling was my energy telling me that I didn't really want to be doing or thinking that. It did not feel right to keep spending my own energy to do something that I deeply did not want to do. Why do we do this?

We don't listen.

Everything we need to know is inside of us. But for whatever reason, we're not attuned. Let me tell you, once you're ready to tune in, you'll get all the help you need. But it is WORK. It takes constant attunement and reflection. My body gives me hundreds of messages within a short period of time, and I am only now learning how to decipher them. A part of me had been thinking that it is selfish to spend so much time on myself, until I figured out that by knowing what my honor code is, I can live my honor code. This is my service to my brothers and sisters. Do unto others, and all that jazz.

All I can tell you is, so far, life is good.

finding the goddess within

God. what a corny name for this particular blog...but what else do i call it? What do I call Her? She looks like a Goddess. She acts like a Goddess. Her eyes are violet-lavender, and her hair, a massive mane that acts like a Violet Flame. She doesn't speak much, her eyes and facial gestures are more than enough to communicate ever intimate intention. She is a peaceful and powerful prescence, both Warrior and Tranquil Mother. I don't yet know whether she is inside or outside of me, but does that really matter? I become purified and enlightened when graced with her prescence.

The attacks on London served to strengthen my determination to become a calming and light-full being. I need to be centered enough to send light to those who need it at a second's notice. Divinity shall be served!

cool pic

Mauna Kea, the famous dormant volcano in Hawai'i. Looks rather alien, no?

For more info look at the

NASA website

spiritual independence

I've spent this weekend wondering in the back of my mind whether we are truly a Free country or not. I haven't found an answer to it as there are arguments for and against. What I have been thinking about is spiritual independence. I think this is an absolutely necessary foundation for true growth and liberation.

I believe that we go through stages of spiritual growth, and in the beginning we need someone to hold our hands. This would be our mentor, guide, church, holy book, etc. Most of us spend most of our lives in this stage. It can be tragically debilitating. Letting go of this is as difficult of letting go of our mother's hand the first day of kindergarten. I know, some of us let go easier than others, but I believe that mother-child bond is the most powerful on the planet. We'd never have survived otherwise.

When I finally let go of my Spiritual Mother's hand, I found my long-lived fear of being alone to be completely unfounded. I found my Mother, my Father, my Lover, and my Friend fully contained inside of me.

Spiritual independence will allow me to stand on my own two feet, as well as join any other being in sacred worship of Divine Life.

conciousness

I have so many lessons to learn it is sometimes hard not to become impatient or overwhelmed. The great thing is that there is something inside of me that tells me that I have to put minimum 80% of my energy in the Now. What is the Now? To me it is present time. I’ve realized how much of me is not here with me.

At any given time I’m worrying about my brothers, praying for my mother, wondering what my crush is doing, playing with the angels, laying in the sand in a sunny beach, exploring new solar systems, feeling slightly afraid of my father, wondering if I’m supposed to have children, wondering if I’m supposed to want to have children, feeling like I should be praying, making up stories in my head, missing my friends from Canada, sending warm thoughts to Jerusalem, praying for soldiers, shaking my head at war, crying over suffering children, laughing with Hafiz and Teresa of Avila, and singing a song in my head. How could I possibly be present while I’m doing all this?

My mind is more powerful and amazing that any computer made on this planet. I want to use it (dharmashakti) as I’m supposed to. I’ve been experimenting with living in present time and I’m getting tremendous results. My growth is manifesting in the exterior as well, which is why I’ve been having a hard time keeping up with my blog. I feel more secure and able to handle daily situations simply because I’m present.

I feel less need for escapism as well. I’m not saying at all that I don’t still automatically do what I’ve done most of my life, but at least I’m recognizing that I’m doing it. I’m slowly become aware of what thoughts and situations I’m financing with my energy.

I think this is a process that I'll be going through my entire life. I don't mind. I think becoming aware is vital to life. I'm enjoying the process.

Blessed be.

so life is beautiful. so what?

what are you going to do about it?

angels on demand

you know how we have those 'payperview', 'movies on demand' channels where you can call in and see what you want to see? Get what you want when you want? I've realized angels are like that too. We just have to get out of our own way. In my last blog, I surrendered to the fact that any solution my mind would come up with for my situation would always leave some doubt. After all, my goal is not to satisfy mind-full pleasures, but my spirit's evolution as well.

Surrendering was the best way I could ever help myself. Living in the present is the best way I could help myself. I'm happy, and grateful, for all that I have. If I tune in carefully, I can hear the twinkling tones of the loving energy of those who support my journey. Divine music accompanies my travels.

Things are coming along with my family. I'm glad. I have a job, possibly a place to live. Everything I ever asked for is appearing before me. Man, am I ever glad I got out of my own way.

Hallelujah!

tribes

I've decided I'm a member of an unknown tribe. I'm withdrawing my membership to the various tribes I've been born into and tried to make myself a part of. I've only just realized that I've been meant NOT to fit in. My whole life I've been trying to, and it's been killing my spirit and manifesting in my body. I'm plugging my circuits (life force) into this tribe, because this tribe I will support and I know that they sure as heck support me. Most of my tribe don't realize i've made them part of it or at least they don't say so openly. It doesn't matter, because that's how I see them. When I'm around them I feel electrified, excited, ALIVE. I feel like they're looking into my Spirit to measure who I am and how I'm doing, not my body, my clothes, or my actions. We're all connected in this very subtle but powerful level that I've realized has satisfied my need to be loved and part of something greater than myself.

I've been reading on the basic human need to worship the sacred in a group. It doesn't matter how or what. I've found my sacred worship tribe as well. I am well again. I don't look at the world with the same eyes I used to, Beloved! These perceptions I've fed over the years...they've led me to this moment, but from now on I'm taking the reins and becoming a CONCIOUS BEING, one aware of what's behind my eyes and how it affects what is in front of them.

I want to talk about self-worth. You see, I used to measure it (and I still do to a degree-I'm working on it), on how successful I appear: do I look good/attractive? do I receive praise from those I respect and admire? am I financially independent? do people/friends look to me for an opinion, or advice? am I able to take care of myself and fulfill the needs of my family, whether I think I should or not?

well, guess what. Henceforth I shall only measure self-worth by one standard: am I fulfilling my Heart's desire? In other words, instead of having my brain find all instances when I've felt good (because I looked good), and bad (because I didn't do what I think I was supposed to do) and see which one outweighs the other, I now think: "My life is my message. I am fulfilling my Destiny every moment of every day. Every breath I take is purposeful, is grateful, is loving and I am empowered to make choices."

In other words:

"I AM Free."

help me. please.

Things are shifting again. My body is adjusting to new lessons learned via acquired awareness. I’m aware of how many useless thoughts and beliefs I feed with my life force. For example: “I’m young, I should be sexual. No. Sexuality is bad. Dangerous. Reproduce. Be a good wife. Don’t do that. Find yourself. Make a career. Become self-sufficient. Provide for your family. Find a husband that will provide for you. Be completely unique, but at the same time be like everyone else. You should be taller. Short is cute. The UN is useless. Love any effort towards unification. Protect yourself. Provide for yourself. Depend on yourself. Be ambitious. Be successful. Be driven. Look good. Feel guilty for being part of a country that’s bombing innocent people. Support our soldiers.” AHHHHHHHHHHH.

Silent tears course through my heart as I search for my core. My hands shake as I write this, as I am tempted to despair. There is so much work to be done, and as much as I want to help others, I can do nothing unless I help myself. I can do nothing unless I am a fountain of Peace, Hope, Love, Understanding, Strength, Faith, and Victory. It is difficult to heal myself, Beloved. Why can’t I just work on everyone else?

I laugh as I write this because I KNOW that everything outside of me is a reflection of what’s inside of me.

Lord, be my guide. Be my everything. I surrender to you.

Help me. Please.

avoidance

In class today we were ruminating over knowing when a patient has "worked through" issues or traumas in their lives. What we were really wondering was, if a person is telling us their history, and something we think was horrible happened, and they don't show much reaction or what you think is the appropriate reaction, how do you know whether the person has moved on or if they've repressed it?

The main consensus was avoidance. If you ask a person, "what is the most horrible thing that ever happened to you? or, is there anything in your life you would change?", and there is nothing, but you know their child died, then there might be something there.

This entire exchange made me realize just how many of my painful memories I've avoided these many years. I understand and respect my mind and body for preserving me by not forcing them on me, because now I feel like I'm strong enough and clear enough to start working through them. I am now allowing myself to feel the sadness and grief. And oh, Lord, there is so much sadness. I think my saddest memory is of my brother's kidnapping, and not knowing if I would ever see him again. If I would ever see his sweet little face, with those deep eyes and quiet soul. He was my partner when I was young, my companion. There was no stress in our relationship (only when he beheaded all my barbies), it was fun. The point is, I've never allowed myself to feel that fear, that sadness.

Now I realize the only way to lose my fear of losing him is by feeling it.

Thank God that the Angels believe in me. I don't know if I can do this without them.

transforming anger into peace

Honesty is hard. Especially when hurting someone is the last thing your heart wants to do. I found myself balking at talking to my mother about moving out, because I was afraid of her disapproval. I was also afraid of hurting her feelings. I finally spoke to her today, and although my fears were not unfounded, I feel much better in my relationship with her. I know, and she knows, that I have matured and will not make hasty decisions. I don't plan on striking out on my own until I have solidified and cleansed my relationship with my family to a level I'm comfortable with. If I don't, the whole pattern would just repeat itself when I start my own family. This is not compatible with my goal of spiritual evolution.

My brother is starting high school next fall. I walked through his campus today, and saw those 15 year old girls wearing short shorts and knee pads (for volleyball tryouts). If I was half the person then that I am today...well...It's hard not to look back and see what I would have done differently. I cannot expect a fifteen year old to have the maturity of a 23 year old.

This summer I'm focusing on my family relationships. There is much forgiveness and rebuilding to be done. I'm realizing how many emotions I've suppressed my entire life.

Last night I began an exercise: I recalled interactions with people in my life that made me feel anger, pain, frustration or any such negative emotion. Instead of suppressing that energy and focusing myself in prayer, I conciously jumped on the wave of that emotion and through my heart transformed it into peace. I was chanting 'shanti, shanti, shanti' in my heart. What ended up happening is that I felt energy come at me from the individual, passed through my heart and became transformed into loving peace, and returned to the other person. It was an amazing experience, but difficult to stay in. I realize that it will take a lot of concentration, energy, and internal silence. It was very powerful. I felt the power at a physical level.

I realized that I'll always be a hypocritical warrior for peace if I don't work through any negative memory and emotion I have towards any being. I want to live the words I write. I don't want my life to be half-assed. It's time to fly.

Letter from my Best Friend

I have written a submission essay for a scholarship. The topic was "a letter you would have liked to receive from your best friend during your illness." This is what my best friend read to me.

Beloved One of my Soul:

I understand that it may come as a shock to you that your body is, in essence, destroying itself. There is Life inside of you that dictates nothing so beautiful should be destroyed, and the conflict between the two must bring you torment.

Throughout my Existence, I have discovered various secrets not known by most who walk upon this uncherished planet. It would be my honor, and a privilege, to share this knowledge with one who is ready to transform.

I have been watching you for some time now, and have seen enough to know that you are ready. Every cell in your body calls out for change, transformation, and evolution. I see how every morning you awake and see trees dance and laugh in the wind. I see how your Heart secretly yearns to do the same. It is time.

This knowledge I give you should not be taken lightly, for within it are clues that will guide you to that which you seek. Do not just read these words, but be these words. I see in your Heart that you wish for your life to be your message to all those who experience you. Manifest that innermost wish with dignity and honor.

First: always remember that every experience you have is an opportunity to fulfill your destiny. There is no need to wait for anything or anyone. I know what you’re thinking, Beautiful One. “What is my destiny?” As the ancient mystics of the Middle East were fond of saying, “If I told you the Truth about God, you would laugh.” I hope you’ll laugh joyously at the beautiful complexity of creation. Your destiny is to be yourself. Make this your life’s work, and you will find that there is no better way to assist your every brother and sister.

Second: every life created is as precious as That which created it. Therefore every life deserves the opportunity to experience the truest aspect of their being. This is the only way to properly honor all life. I know you see injustice daily, and it weighs heavy on your soul. The best way to combat injustice is to look at the world with untarnished eyes. By this I mean that by looking at every individual that crosses your path as the brilliantly unique and wondrous creature that they are, you empower them to become that creature.

This leads me to the next secret: you are forever free in your life. No being on creation can take away your choice. As humans bombarded daily by negativity from sunrise to sunset, it is easy to forget this. It is also easy to give this precious gift up. It takes tremendous courage to own this gift, because not only are you fighting your own battered self-esteem, you are fighting the opinions of countless around you who have lost the heart vision of beauty and self.

Fourth: there are endless universes waiting to be created inside of you. Every human has the ability to see the world in a different way, and all will benefit from each unique vision. Think about it, have you not been empowered and inspired by all those who dared to voice and pursue their own inner vision? Is there not something liberating in just looking at an individual who dares to be unique? You can see it in their eyes, their carriage; you can hear it in their laughter. There are endless universes waiting to be created inside of you, Akemi. Live without fear. Dive in.

Don’t limit yourself. You have the capability to excel in whatever you wish. Dance freely, laugh wildly, write poems from sunrise to sunset, and sing to the crescent moon. Cry as the mystics cried; in fact, listen to their sacred voices by reading the words they have left behind. St. Theresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, Rumi, Hafiz, Mirabai, Rabia, Tukkaram—all of these wild and loving poets dance about in your heart. Allow them to guide you, inspire you, support you.
Sometimes you wonder how you’ll achieve all you’re meant to. How will you achieve emotional, intellectual, physical and financial maturity? Sister, the entire Universe conspires to protect you and provide for you. Trust that the Life that flows in, through, and around you will attract all that you need, simply because you’re allowing that Life of your Spirit to freely flow.

These things I tell you are shared in Love, and Trust. Share these words will all who cross your path, for you are meant to share all of yourself with the world around you. Use this experience as an opportunity to develop your qualities of Gracefulness, Mercy, Compassion, Strength, Faith and Ultimate Love. It may seem odd, but those around you need your abilities to channel these qualities. They need you, all of who you are.

I will leave you with a last loving thought: honor the life you have been given by living it.

Sealed in Trust, Faith and Truth,

The Beloved

A person freed

I have awakened once again from Life's journey. These past two weeks have been beautiful, incredible, Divine. I am once more transformed into a reflection of my Heart's Desire.

What would you say if I told you that I am Free? I received a message last eve, from those close to my Heart: "Spread your wings. It is time to fly." As soon as I read those words I broke down and cried like I have never allowed myself to. No single experience in this life allowed me to relase myself like those simple words.

In truth I search only Freedom. I search the Freedom to be nothing but who I AM. There is a wild and loving Spirit inside of me. A Spirit that dreams fantastic dreams, and sees the world in the light in which it was created.

However, my path to Freedom is a difficult one, as are all paths to our hearts. Sometimes the mirror in front of me is a bit tarnished, and the image I see is distorted, and I become lost in perception. Every once in a while Grace is afforded me and a brilliant and shining reality is restored in every aspect of my being. I want to share this with you. With all of you. There are so many of you out there that I love so very very much, and I want to share all aspects of Light with, yet am afraid of that tarnished image the old mirror provides. From now on I vow to live in Truth and Freedom.

Beloved, I have been freed. Are you ready for my love?

HeartMessage

I AM a messenger of Divine Will. Beloved of my Heart, Let my life be the message.

This past Friday a beloved friend gave me a most precious gift: a labradorite pendant and earrings. The pendant has a silver Messenger Angel plate over the stone. The second it touched my body my whole reality shifted. This past couple of weeks have been rather intense, and I've had difficulty processing my lessons and walking forward. I've asked for help. My third chakra has felt especially tight/out of balance and I've asked my Beloved for healing Light and counsel.

I am protected and provided for by the receptive power of the Universe.


Gratefulness for this wonderful Earth Mother blossoms in my heart, for she so gracefully supplies my every need.

---

I find myself definitely more connected to my inner Beauty, to that Divine Goddess that whispers enticingly. Her eyes are dark, mysterious and mischiveous. There are gold and silver bangles flashing from her arms, and delicate bells that joyously sing as she dances to the Universe Song. She is courage, grace, clarity, strength and suppleness. She is me.

I leave you with an inspiring message breathing in my Heart from Sri Sathya Sai Baba:

Love is my form, truth is my breath, bliss is my food
My life is my message, expansion is my life
No reason for love, no season for love, no birth, no death .

a little bit of history

I have gained an incredible amount of respect for my body. It has truly served me well, and has diverted enormous pain and suffering quietly into itself, without my spirit having a daily experience of it.

Certain blocked memories are becoming known to me. About two weeks ago I had a very disturbing dream, in which I was being sexually abused by a prominent childhood figure. That morning I woke up not feeling anything emotionally (other than mild disbelief), and slowly began to retreat emotionally from those closest to me.

Two trusted, loved, and intuitive companions questioned me about sexual abuse within a few days of each other. I began seriously asking myself, since messages from my Beloved tend to come in threes. I figured I better pay attention.

After some self reflection, I've realized that the sexual abuse did occur. Perhaps by more than one childhood figure. It seems a knowledge imprinted on my cells, even as my mind struggles to realize this.

Whatever the outcome of this I've learned a powerful lesson already:

Truth is the Freedom I've wept and yearned for over a period of 22 years. I'm slowly gaining the courage to own every part of myself. I have no shame, and no need for it; I am a warrior. I'm still the same Akemi that loves the sunshine caressing dancing leaves, the same Akemi whose eyes shine at the possibility of realized Love.

I respect all of my experiences, and work towards realizing them as great and loving lessons given me so that I may fulfill that which is DIVINE.

I hold in my heart part of a poem written by Rabia, a female Islamic saint and prominent Sufi figure:

It Acts Like Love

My body is covered with wounds
this world made,

but I still longed to kiss Him, even when God said,

"Could you also kiss the hand that caused
each scar,

for you will not find me until
you do."

wishing

How could I possibly express to you anything but what I've said a million times over? Is it possible for advancement? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I'm running in circles, occasionally recognizing a landmark or sign that jogs my memory. I quickly forget it, run into it again and decide that I've discovered it for the first time.

As depressing as that thought of view it, part of it is true. However, I must (and do) believe that my world is getting better, little by little, day by day, because I'm trying to be better. Is this how I can help the world advance into a golden era of peace? Is there such a thing? Sometimes it is so very hard to imagine. Everyone is so caught up in some inane mundane aspect of life. But then again I catch myself. Can anything created by my Creator be inane? Perhaps its me who needs to see the world differently.

I'm in Sarasota visiting with friends. As happy as I am, small rivers of sadness pump out of my heart through my veins. If I could stop wishing, and just be...how different would my beloved universe be?

Kiss me, my Beloved. I yearn for thee night and day. I await your embrace like no other. Be with me.

to be an ecstatic lover

when the Gift of God is manifested as clarity in my mind, body, and spirit more than magic happens. It is as if the universe has suddenly become arranged in a pattern easily discernible to me, and all my bodies automatically began working towards that Divine Will that wishes to manifest.

I've realized this takes more courage than I'm used to. Knowing this, I aspire to become a true and loving warrior. I have confidence in myself, and know that the universe around me is my team. I need to look at more than the surface of life; when I do, I often see at first a dull glimmer, a meer promise of something majestic. O, to be a true and ectatic lover of God!

I wish to laugh and cry, to twirl and twirl around every dancing star in the sky.

Abwun d'baschmaya! O Thou, from whom the breath of life comes,

Here I am.

Take me.

musings to a Friend

Whenever a dark cloud appears within my horizon, and my mind inevitably creates thunder, my spirit turns to a magical land. I overcame my long time fear of the dark by listening to the whisper of the fairy forest. At night, when I couldn’t sleep I would walk barefoot in absolute darkness, and allowed my heart to be guided by the brilliant moon and playful flora in the pine forest. Once I reached the sun-kissed pond, I would lay on the grass for hours while the wind played with my hair. The stars winked at me from above, beguiling and beckoning me into their endless light.

I have never before felt such a strong connection to the land around me. This land felt like it was inside of me and I couldn’t tell where my heart ended and a tree began. The grass was an extension of my feet and toes. My nose feasted on the fresh smells and my taste buds exploded with yummy greens.

Studying Chinese medicine has given me an understanding of yin and yang, and therefore a more intense and realistic experience of my Great Mother. She is both shadow and light, endless conciousness and individual mind, my body and the space between every atom in the universe.

I’ve been reading Great Swan, a book about Ramakrishna. In it, he comments about the difference between ecstatic lovers of god and a jnani, an adept of transcendent knowledge. I understand that in the beginning of our travels through self-awareness, we must work through sets of paradigms. We learn scriptures, and prayers. We create a certain space in our mind for ‘Divine’. We slowly strive to mold our minds and bodies into a tuned container so that we can commune with this almost alien concept of Supreme Oneness. Ramakrishna noted that the mature ecstatic lovers fall in love with immanence and not transcendence. “The lover wants to taste the ineffable sweetness of sugar, not to become a transparent crystal of sugar.” I find myself flipping constantly between these two states. I truly yearn for a transcendently ecstatic state, unattached to happiness and tears, but find myself lost in the demanding physical world.

My heart is addicted to sweets. Whenever I imagine the sweet nectar that is my life, my heart giggles and joyously dances through the universes inside of me.