courage

Inana Lachma D'Hayy

You know what happens every time I get what I want? I have to deal
with some interesting consequences. I've learned to insert my
favorite caveat into prayers (I often feel like a lawyer) "but Thy
will be done and not mine, if this is not correct action, let it not
be." Even if to some I might be getting myself into trouble, and
possibly pain, the biggest part of my soul pushes me forward chanting
"LIVE." I could resist it, and I've done it many a time, but I just
don't want to anymore. I'm over stuffing myself away for fear's sake.

I am a coward when it comes to a few things, but I'm working on
courage. I'm working on using my faith, and my belief in my Self to
neutralize any negative emotion or thought to one of "I CAN because I
AM."

December 2004

I found this diary entry written December of last year, when I first
had the inkling of being seriously ill, but before I was formally
diagnosed with Cancer. This was the first realization of what I had
to work on in order to find health.

I'm realizing the fact that I've been shutting myself up since I was
very small, under 2 years old. My body is yelling at me right now.
Symptoms are popping up, right and left, constantly demanding
attention. The symptoms are serious enough that I actually pay
attention and have to follow through.

Even now, when I have something important to say to my father, I
hesitate. I new I had to tell him on Sunday, that I was hurt that he
didn't ask me to go to church, but I was frustrated, because once
again the same thing was happening, and I didn't tell him. I am
disappointed in myself. But I know that I have the strength to follow
through with what I know I need to do. I need to take care of myself
right now, because what I have been doing up to now has not been
giving me the best results.

I need to listen to my inner self, to that little girl, to those other
parts of me and give them the same voice. I need to love all parts of
me. And my family and those who are around me need to be introduced to
me.

a most usual rant

I pick the damnedest ways to keep my ego in check. I'm so frustrated
right now I don't even have words. All I can describe is this feeling
in my solar plexus, this weeping sadness in my heart, this tense pain
in my head.

Separation from God is painful, but easy. The struggle to return back
to my Beloved, that quest to reunite with my Self...Is filled with
exquisite moments of ecstasy and growls of pain.

Most of my pain stems from the fact that I have two contradictory
desires: mind and heart are at odds once again. I need to delve deep
into the well of myself so that I can once again emerge with a clear
goal.

Before that, I'm going to scream.

on power

I write this entry from Dancing Peacock Paradise, where I am on retreat this weekend.  I arrived here yesterday afternoon, and the weather was perfect. I trekked to a small campsite cradled by a leaning tree and could slightly see Beauty lake.

 

I wasn't intending to turn this into a night of practice. All of a sudden it was the reason I was here.  I like it when my angels trick me like that.

 

I came out of the night knowing one thing: I am still afraid of my own power. I'm afraid of the responsibility it will bring. I'm even more afraid of  how it will take me further away from people around me. While I will be more unified to the One in the whole, I will be more separate in 'mind' conciousness of lives around me. Or so I think. I'm still taking baby steps. I don't have to do it all at once. I don't have to do anything. I laugh as I read what I just wrote.

 

I don't have to. I just really, really want to.

 

Blessed be.

i'm scared.

My heart feels very tentative today. I'm afraid of rejection, to a
certain degree. The fear is not impeding me from offering part of
myself, but it certainly is making the process uncomfortable. I'm not
sure that I'm to do anything about it, other than notice it and
continue to try to perform correct action as much as I can.

I do notice myself doing one thing: every time a wave of fear washes
over me I allow myself to release it, much as a wave recedes back into
the ocean. This way it only has a temporary grip on my senses, and it
will surely return from whence it came.

o happy day

May all the good you have done this year make its way into our Lord's altar.

Thank you for being here, for sharing love, life, and yes, pain.
Thank you for being one of my many teachers. Thank you for being my
friend. My lover. My mirror.

Suryaaya Svaha, Suryaaya Idam Na Mama.
Prayaapatayee Svaha, Prayaapatayee Idam Na Mama

truth

Whenever Truth is spoken, whether by chant, song, action, or kiss,
every cell in my being stands at attention. DNA dances as it unwinds
and releases long-lost secrets of my conciousness. Meanwhile, my
beautiful angel stands gleefully next to me, and smiles.

heaven

I've been in heaven for another year.

My voice is slowly becoming my own. My eye is focusing, ever so lightly, on that which my Beloved desires: Me.

Thank you God for what my immature mind calls the Good. Thank you God for what this young, unapprenticed body calls misery. Thank you God, for what the unbridled spirit unburdened by judgment calls Haqq: the manifestation of nothing other than life.

What's mine is Thine to do Thy will. I pray for more than that sometimes, but I know that you know that I don't really mean it.

Your love kisses my fresh face morning, noon & eve. The flowers that grow under your direction twinkle and gaze at the wondrous beauty you place before them.

All this talk of kissing makes me hungry for you, my heart. Come to me & let's set spark to a whole new universe, one never been seen by creature nor man. Come lie with me, full moon or not, and set my eyes to fire and skin to ashes. Feel the taste of my soft and silky kisses that will surely melt you as mocha chocolate cake melts me.

I write these things for eyes like my own. I wonder whose they will be.

thanks be

I looked in the mirror today and realized I was still alive. It was a wonderful moment, one that lasted a few seconds and every single one was incredibly delicious. Like a chocolate covered papaya. yum.

I get to see trees every day, and the sunlight twinkling through their leaves. I get to serve other beings. I wake up in a beautiful home, eat wonderful food, and spend time with my favorite people. I listen to great music and dance. I stretch out in my comfortable bed and enjoy the scratchy comfort of my sheets.

mmmmm...I get to french kiss a mocha chocolate cake, and watch great movies under a warm blanket.

I love this life, and I'm grateful for it.

allah hu

I’m slowly surrendering to an overwhelming fatigue. With it comes a feeling of confusion and uncertainty about my Self’s journey right now. I don’t like it. However, it somehow seems a necessary part of my true life’s mission: Growth. I believe we live our life in cycles. This is the downward turn before a flip upward.

Underneath it all I am still certain of the Universe’s all encompassing Love and Compassion. I am certain of the Truth of our unique Selves. I am certain that Light will always, always shine the way.


Om. Sahanau Bhavatu, Sahanau Bhunaaktu, Saha Veeryam Keravavahai
Tejasvina Vadita Mastu Mavhid Visha Vahaii.
Om Shanti. Shanti. Shanti.

give us this day

Hawvlân lachma d'sûnkanân jaomâna. This is part of the Lord’s Prayer in Aramaic. A recent translation reads: Grant us what we need each day in bread and insight. This is my prayer for the day.

Give me wisdom. Give me sight. Give me the kindness and compassion I need to love my brothers and sisters as they are loved by You.

Amen.

not mine.

God’s will be done, not mine. New opportunities are expanding into my universe, and along with these opportunities comes a beautiful gift of empowerment: choice. As the reluctant messiah of Richard Bach’s Illusions emphasizes: “You. Can do. Whatever. You. Want. To do.”

Am I chickening out by constantly chanting the first line of this entry? Am I giving up my power? It may seem like it at first, but deciding to surrender to the ultimate Lover is as much as choice as deciding to follow physical desire.

Don’t get me wrong, I do make decisions. I say that I want certain things in my life, and tend to get them. But:

In my heart of hearts, my one true desire is my Lover’s.

happy as....hell?

Ok. so I don't get that saying but I'm as happy as...a flower being kissed by the sun and lovingly supported by angels whispering "grow. grow."

I have a home! My own home. My very own home. Amazing how such a material object can create opportunities for spiritual growth.

I'm becoming more amazed at the absolute mysteriousness and indeed, mischiveousness of this Earth we inhabit. The colors are so bright. I perceive a smile behind every breeze...

What do you say, Love?

SMILE!