Now I have to think

I slept for another 11 hours last night. It felt great. It feels like I could sleep more. I will this weekend, if I can. Rose and Maga are coming (cousin and aunt from venezuela), a rare treat. I feel like it’s a graduation gift.

It was suggested to me that I should be polishing up my critical thinking skills...which I actually realize I have plenty of. I just don’t use them very often. Looking at stuff online, it’s like starting to work out again. It makes my eyes tired. But I remember loving logic and algebra, once I understood it. It was fun. I will definitely do it again. I do want to learn and practice chess. An activity I can share with my brothers and friends. I think it will help my self esteem. I won’t feel so helpless when I have to think. I do remember way back in college History class, and I had to write essays I was quite good at doing them critically. I’m also good at debate, and the UN forum required a lot of critical thinking skills along with emotional feeling. So I know I can be very well balanced and strong. This critical thinking will help me get where I need to go, and be less dependent on my emotions, and will probably help me get control of my mind a little more.

I’m getting REALLY hungry so as much as I want to stay here and write, and learn about thinking (I realize I mostly daydream my thoughts) I need some fuel for thought.

ps: This is the site I'm looking at to remember how to play Chess. It's hilarious. Check it out.

Thank you friends

I have my whole life ahead of me. My last relationship made me realize how quick I am to hand my life over to another person.”Sure! I’ll be with you and plan my life along with yours.” I do this without a true foundation. I need to respect myself better than that. I AM respecting myself better than that. I am worth it. For the first time I am allowing myself to feel the appreciation and love of those who surround me. I am not doubting myself...this is starting to feel like a hallmark commercial, but it is groundbreaking for me.

Is the outside world truly a reflection of what is going on inside us? I’ve been experiencing the results of this experiment. I hope I allow myself to stay this way, and not revert back to the old way of being. This is a very critical point in my life, in my career. I can be proud of myself, and my family and friends. At this point, with everything that has been going on at school and home, I can truly see character in those surrounding me.

Thank you, friends.

Barely Logical

This is from astro.com, an astrology website, which gives information on the signs. The following is what it had to say about the sagittarius woman.

Never assume that all explorers, mountain-climbers and world travellers are male Sagittarians. The true female Centaur is as restless, as hungry for experience, as eager to explore the fascinating carnival of life as her male counterpart. This woman needs personal freedom to an extraordinary degree, and she's not famous either for her readiness to commit herself or for her enthusiasm about domestic responsibilities. She may be happier spending a lifetime without either. She's as likely to have a child out of wedlock and happily raise it as a travelling companion as she is to ensconce herself behind secure walls.

I DO need freedom to an extraordinary degree. Why do I always forget that? Why do I convince myself that I need to be the perpetual half of a couple. That I need to be dependent on my partner for my happiness? I see in my memory visions of my mother sobbing, chasing my father, begging him not to leave us. I remember her throwing up and making herself sick over it. I remember having to go after them. I remember going to the drugstore to get her Valerian Root, to try and get her to rest. Eh, I feel uncomfortable and scared right now. Is that the way I want to be? NO. The truth is I got mixed messages when I was growing up. I remember everyone, my mother included, telling me to do whatever I wanted to do, go wherever I wanted to go. I was FREE. Except my main role model wasn’t. She attached herself to both relationships she’s been in: my father and my stepfather, and I guess either didn’t think she could make it on her own, or thought it would be better for her children to have the male in their lives. I won’t pretend to know what the right answer was, but I feel that conflict inside me. I am Akemi, beautiful, strong, Akemi. I can do whatever I want. However, in the past, he second I found a potential partner, a part of me latched on, fearful of them leaving. While in the relationship I get scared, and uncomfortable. Then we break up, and I feel good, and free. I just need to realize:
I NEED PERSONAL FREEDOM TO AN EXTRAORDINARY DEGREE. IT IS SIMPLY PART OF WHO I AM. NO SHAME ABOUT IT! JUST ENJOY MY FREEDOM.

Don't try to possess her. And don't tell her to do something. Ask. Nicely. The dramatic exit and the slammed door aren't just for effect. She probably already bought her flight tickets weeks before. Sagittarian women need to communicate, and they need to be listened to. If you're after the quiet, docile type, forget it. Many Sagittarian women are great talkers. Some go on too long and become bores. But more likely she'll be fascinating and inspiring. She's a conversational animal who needs an interested, communicative partner. Most important, she needs to be in love. Without a belief in love, her spirit will wilt.

I love the first line of that paragraph. It is so true. Unfortunately it took my mom about 18-19 years to figure that out. Once she did that, I generally had no problem doing whatever it was she wanted me to do. Generally other’s people drama doesn’t impress me, it just causes a lot of eye-rolling and muttering about immaturity and being annoyed. My drama however, is a truly important expression of feelings. Ha.

She also has a strong sense of fun and humour. Tact may not be in abundant supply. Don't expect diplomatic flattery. More likely she'll deliver a verbal punch between the eyes, not because she's cruel, but because she has a tendency to speak before she thinks and doesn't register in time that you've collapsed on the floor. She's usually right, too, which can be infuriating. She may not be strong on logic, but her sharp intuition sees right through posturing and hypocrisy.

I have noticed this part of myself with some close friends of mine, and family. I do feel myself be a little mean. Especially when I haven’t eaten anything recently. Thankfully some of my friends realize this and start to feed me. The logic thing....totally true. I’m not the most logical person on the planet, not even close. I’m barely logical at times. I strongly dislike posturing and hypocrisy. DO NOT do this around me because I’ll just get really annoyed. I’ll try not to be mean, though. Good luck.

The Sagittarius woman is in love with life itself. Life is to be lived, not nailed down, and although she's likely to take quite a few romantic knocks (not least because her independence and craving for freedom may drive away a few frightened partners), she never loses her faith in the future. This woman is an optimist, and a believer in life's fundamental goodness and meaning. Sagittarian faith is infectious. But unlike most infectious things, it isn't harmful. Quite the opposite: it enriches life.

This last paragraph fits me to a T. Can’t say anything more. I Love Life! Love it! All parts of it. The easy parts, the hard parts, the highs, the lows, the ins and outs. Dances and fights, making love and working hard. Everything. Why? I’m alive. That’s enough reason for me.

growing up

My friends are truly the rock of my life. They are the manifestation of the Divine Energy in my world, because they have helped me on my journey, and managed to remind me that I am beautiful, strong, and special. These past few weeks have been very difficulty for me, but I feel myself coming out of my shell. Energy is moving in my life again. Things are happening, and I am making things happen. I feel more like a woman than I ever have, and I am noticed and appreciated. It feels good.

I’ve also been exercising more than I have in years over the past week. I should make Kung Fu and Salsa exercise video.

I’m noticing that my communication with myself has reached a whole new level of sophistication since my Communications Class. I feel the ‘Child’ whining, and being upset inside of me, and automatically, the Adult soothes the Child, and allows it to feel heard. It also takes command of the situation. By golly, the princess is growing up. Finally.

In the light

I called laura today about possibly being roommates with her and tamara and they were both very open to it, which I am very excited about. They are a little older than me, wiser and sweet like cherry pie. I think we would have a blast and be a perfect match for the dude ranch.

I feel good. I just finished practicing kung fu. The past few weeks I've practiced twice a week, and already I can tell a difference in my strength and flexibility. I also have more endurance, which is very encouraging. I'm going to start practicing in the morning to take advantage of kung fu's ability to build Qi, which I definitely need. I need more qi to go up into my head and give me more clarity of thought. Right now I feel like I'm in a bit of a fog, have felt that way for a while. This will change, I'm sure, with my graduation and more diligent practice as well as regular herb intake.

I plan on working on the cruise ship from late november to march. this will be a high season for me, and I will create financial prosperity for myself, learn how to build a practice and make important contacts for love and life and business. I will continue to be a great friend and be supportive of those close to me. no jealousy, threat or competition between us. only love and caring, and JOY most of all. I choose to live in the light. breathe in the light. be in the light. laugh love and support in the light.

Intuitive Self

For the first time since I was a young child I feel my intuition and I am allowing myself to flow with it. For years I have often felt discomfort at my solar plexus, and anxiety along with it. I didn’t understand the burning feeling I often had in my gut. I now understand that I have been resisting my intuitive powers since very young, because I used my power and was disappointed with the result. Today I have chosen to be fully connected with myself, and follow my intuition, that wonderful gift that we have been given. A woman should never be without her intuition. I feel the power surge up inside of me and rather than resist it I allow myself to flow with it. I allow myself to feel my power. I feel strong. Clearer than I ever have. I see my patterns more clearly, and am able to deflect harmful thought habits.

Right now I am beginning a journey deeper into myself. I am resolved to see it through. I am so excited at the possibilities of life as myself, for the sake of my sanity and happiness. Who knew that my happiness would be so valuable to the world? For by living in happiness I create an energetic force field that strengthens those who also desire that in their lives. How fabulous. I love it. I love you.

Blessed be

A Gleaming Future

Life is good. I feel so much better. I have some clarity. I am calm. I am going to be okay. I know it. I am loved.

Today I allowed myself to feel the wholeness of my heart, around my scared vulnerable scars, and it felt so good and beautiful.

I am excited about my relationships. I am excited to get to know myself, and to just be with my boyfriend. The future is gleaming, tendrils of rainbow colored light warming my saddened soul. Difficulties are many, but miracles cannot be counted.

Hmm, Love. In my life, many miracles have already occurred. I see a few peeking just around the corner.

I am me.

I don’t know what to do but surrender. I’ve been depressed for a while now. My heart can’t take this separation. I’ve been thinking about breaking up with my lover for the last few days. I cry like I haven’t cried my whole life. I cry because I haven’t cried my whole life. I am so mad that he is not here to take care of me. I am upset because my best friends have to take care of me. They talk to me, and feed me, give me massages, dance with me, love me. But HE’s not here. And my heart shuts down. And i push him away, deep inside I push him away. I can’t look at his ring anymore. And it makes me sad. It makes me so sad because I am so crazy about him I can’t see straight. His eyes pierced into my soul the day we met and I’ve never been the same since. But I have to be able to live my life, and lately I haven’t felt like I’ve been living. It feels like I’ve been going through the motions of laughing, dancing, and crying. I’ve been going through the motions because I don’t feel truly alive until we’re making love. That push pull ecstasy that drives me to go deeper into me, into him. Into us. I make no sense to myself, and finally I accept it.

Yes, I’m crazy about my boyfriend. Yes I love him. Yes, he is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Yes I am a goddess. No, I don’t act like it. Yes I need space, I need to push him away. Yes, I need to define myself. Yes. Yes. Yes. I am me.

I feel better

I feel so much better now. I've been listening to Eckhart Tolle's "Even The Sun Will Die", and his voice is the only thing that keeps my mind focused when I'm studying. It feels like his voice and presence evoke the same mental emotional and physical responses that a good Qikung session will. How fabulous for me, because I was feeling rather hopeless about the whole thing (studying). Mind jumping here and there. But now, I surrender to this. Yes. My mindset is simply yes. yesss. yesssssss......i feel it in my heart, and the constant contraction of stress and nervous tension suddenly relaxes and in an evoked moment of freedom. Finally. It has been weeks. and finally I surrender. Yes.

Blessed be.

rambles

So I sit here, loving myself, or trying to. tears simmering in my tired old eyes. we have a meeting tonight, about the hours drama with clinic. I am so tired. I am so tired of this I cannot even tell you, princess....but I ask for divine light, assistance. I ask for help. Now I take the help lovingly offered me by my guides, those seen and unseen beings with whom I have an inviolable relationship. Thank you guides. I love you.

I need to take a break. I need to focus on my life and my career. This is taking to much of my energy. i mean, give me a break. my head says: we need to stop with this. we need to focus on our relationship. and stop worrying about ourselves. huh. i didn’t realize that’s what i wrote. I’m tired. I’m sick and tired.
I have to go. I have to move on. i have to rest.