a novel thought

I've been quite miserable for the past week. I've been miserable my
whole life, on and off. But the intensity of emotion experienced by
my body has been...beyond the norm. Quite a few experiences have come
to me at the same time. I feel like a nexus of energy....like a
potential Black Hole. I feel as if I'm imploding. I feel as if every
cell in my bodies (physical, mental, emotional, akashic/etheric) are
in a state of what the Chinese call "separation of yin and yang". It
feels as if I'm being pulled apart, and slowly regenerating a new
'body'.

I can only assume I am going through an identity crisis. It is time to
choose.

Do I identify with my mind, with it's penchant for creating my
present feeling based on what happened a week ago? a month ago? a year
ago? Do I identify with my emotional body, with it's inability to
break out of an emotional thought-form, incredibly difficult to
neutralize and elevate? Do I identify with my body, with it's
constant stresses, and physical manifestations of the miseries of my
mind and emotions?

A novel thought entered this brain: what if I stop?

My heart and mind stopped for a millisecond.

A tempting experience. I wanted more.

Just take a second with me here. What if I 'pretend' the past didn't
happen? What If I pretend that it was nothing more than a commercial
on a cosmic television. Those things didn't 'happen' to 'me'.

What if I exist in this very perfect moment free of the past? Free of
the future?

What if I just quit?

Oh, my Beloved Friend. That just might be too tempting for me to resist.

If I just quit. If I just quit. If I just quit, I would be free to
worship my Beloved. My beautiful, wonderful, sexy and ever expansive Beloved every second of my life.

Who could blame me? I don't think I'll be able to help myself. This
is just too delicious. Too delicious to forget.

state of Being

I've been trying something new. You know how there are a lot of
teachers out there who encourage the 'observe your mind', or 'stop
thinking' approach? Well they're totally right on, but I've found my
way of achieving that state. I become aware of the parts that compose
my Being on this plane. Not just my mind, that energetic center
somewhere above my nose and below my eyebrows. Not the body I feel
when I do Qi Kung or meditate. I allow my awareness to relax, sort of
like softly unfocusing my conciousness and sink into myself. I feel
myself as a tube all the way around my body, above and below. It feels
like there are cells, concious...breathing. They seem like centers of
energy that filter or manifest, depending on what's going on.

Yesterday I tried praying with my whole Being. That is, rather than
praying with my 'mind' and 'heart center', I directed all those
'cells' to say the prayer with me. To manifest that prayer. I have
never felt energy more strongly...more concretely.

I'm sure this is a bare glimpse of what we're capable of attaining,
but I am grateful for it. I am slowly becoming aware of my thought
patterns again...I start having conversations or arguments with loved
ones in my mind, get a headache or become uncomfortable. Then I
'unfocus', relax and sink into my Self.

Merry Christmas. May the Love Light always shine in your life.

Femininity

I have no doubt that the woman is, indeed, a superior species *grin*.
Sure, we are created equal, but we have pushed ourselves into a whole
new level of Being. Women are the true Lovers. They hold family
together. They make peace: with food, lovemaking, listening (really
listening), brainstorming, multitasking. childbearing.

Not all women are like this. I think that the desperate state of our
world has pushed some of us into 'survival mode'. We have become lean,
hungry, manipulative and desperate. Cold.

I used to feel like this. It is only within the past two years that I
have come into my femininity. I feel quite womanly. Soft. Loving.
Open. I feel like a peacemaker. I can stand up for myself and defend
my own when necessary.

My relationships have changed significantly during this time period. I
feel closer to everyone in my world. I feel closer to everything not
of this world.

I feel so human. Fragile and strong at the same time. I perceive that
the sensitivity that is my strength becomes my greatest weakness. I
find myself having a Dark Night of the Soul most nights. My soul weeps
and strains. I moan with grief, wondering why I incarnated, why I
should feel pain. Worry. Fear. Uncertainty. I wake up the next day,
smiling, happy that I can FEEL. I can BREATHE. LOVE, LIVE, LAUGH.

I remember my friends, the Trees. I receive a loving kiss from my
Lover the Sun. The grief retreats slowly, under the surface of my
mission. I'm starting to suspect it is necessary.

This grief is what propels me closer to my Beloved. It saturates every
level of my being. This constant yearning is probably saving my life.

my voice took flight

I used to be one of those girls who was jealous of other's singing
voices. My dad is a gospel singer, and listening to him sing "Amazing
Grace", or "I'll Fly Away" made my spirit yearn to break free and sing
that sweet melody with everything I had in me. At the time I was too
busy taking piano lessons to master only certain masterpieces that I
loved. That's another thing about me: I only learn what I want to
learn. Skip the theory, dammit, and teach me "Clair de Lune". I never
was one for wasting time. Now I realize that building a foundation
slowly and gently is just as valuable.

Interesting, isn't it? After my brush with death (what a pretty girl
she was), I desire to take things in, slowly, gently.I want every
cell in my body to experience the slow rush. I don't need to be hit
with a tsunami wave of experience like before. I believe the
difference is fear. I used to be frantically afraid. Now I'm just
normally anxious. And much less angry. I was so angry. So sharp.
Cunning, witty, and slightly manipulative. I wanted so very much to be
close to someone, and whenever it happened I would melt like
butter...with cinnamon on top. Needless to say, the closeless never
lasted long, as I did not attract the right companions because of my
anger and frantic fear.

Something happened. I started to sing. I started to sing along with
Shakira. In Spanish. That gave me a bit of freedom in my mind. My
mother gave me a priceless key to discovery one day when she shook her
head in frustration and emphasized "Akemi! Just be!" At first I didn't
know what the hell she was talking about. Just be? What the hell is
that? My friends soon caught on to the phrase. I felt like I was
being attacked from every angle.

I started to relax. My throat wasn't so tight anymore. My voice didn't
sound like a trapped four year old's. I took a break from analyzing
past and creating future for bits of time and enjoyed creation for a
few seconds a day. It progressed from there. I began listening and
participating in Sufi Dhikrs, devotional chants accompanied with body
movements. Everything tight in me began to melt. Slowly. Gracefully.
I let my mind go, and my body and spirit took over. My voice dropped
into my heart, my gut.

My voice took flight.

om poornamadah poornamidam

My body belongs to my Beloved.

The Lover in me shares, laughs, and gracefully detaches.

The secrets of the universe come to me in waves of grief.

Who is not to say that this perceived grief is indeed ecstatic union?
I endeavor to change my perception.

Concious Awareness allows me to transmute and transform energy
directed in unawareness to a Higher Truer form.

How I weep for you, my Friend. But let's keep that a secret, and
share our ecstatic life union with those unaware.