wishing

How could I possibly express to you anything but what I've said a million times over? Is it possible for advancement? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I'm running in circles, occasionally recognizing a landmark or sign that jogs my memory. I quickly forget it, run into it again and decide that I've discovered it for the first time.

As depressing as that thought of view it, part of it is true. However, I must (and do) believe that my world is getting better, little by little, day by day, because I'm trying to be better. Is this how I can help the world advance into a golden era of peace? Is there such a thing? Sometimes it is so very hard to imagine. Everyone is so caught up in some inane mundane aspect of life. But then again I catch myself. Can anything created by my Creator be inane? Perhaps its me who needs to see the world differently.

I'm in Sarasota visiting with friends. As happy as I am, small rivers of sadness pump out of my heart through my veins. If I could stop wishing, and just be...how different would my beloved universe be?

Kiss me, my Beloved. I yearn for thee night and day. I await your embrace like no other. Be with me.

to be an ecstatic lover

when the Gift of God is manifested as clarity in my mind, body, and spirit more than magic happens. It is as if the universe has suddenly become arranged in a pattern easily discernible to me, and all my bodies automatically began working towards that Divine Will that wishes to manifest.

I've realized this takes more courage than I'm used to. Knowing this, I aspire to become a true and loving warrior. I have confidence in myself, and know that the universe around me is my team. I need to look at more than the surface of life; when I do, I often see at first a dull glimmer, a meer promise of something majestic. O, to be a true and ectatic lover of God!

I wish to laugh and cry, to twirl and twirl around every dancing star in the sky.

Abwun d'baschmaya! O Thou, from whom the breath of life comes,

Here I am.

Take me.

musings to a Friend

Whenever a dark cloud appears within my horizon, and my mind inevitably creates thunder, my spirit turns to a magical land. I overcame my long time fear of the dark by listening to the whisper of the fairy forest. At night, when I couldn’t sleep I would walk barefoot in absolute darkness, and allowed my heart to be guided by the brilliant moon and playful flora in the pine forest. Once I reached the sun-kissed pond, I would lay on the grass for hours while the wind played with my hair. The stars winked at me from above, beguiling and beckoning me into their endless light.

I have never before felt such a strong connection to the land around me. This land felt like it was inside of me and I couldn’t tell where my heart ended and a tree began. The grass was an extension of my feet and toes. My nose feasted on the fresh smells and my taste buds exploded with yummy greens.

Studying Chinese medicine has given me an understanding of yin and yang, and therefore a more intense and realistic experience of my Great Mother. She is both shadow and light, endless conciousness and individual mind, my body and the space between every atom in the universe.

I’ve been reading Great Swan, a book about Ramakrishna. In it, he comments about the difference between ecstatic lovers of god and a jnani, an adept of transcendent knowledge. I understand that in the beginning of our travels through self-awareness, we must work through sets of paradigms. We learn scriptures, and prayers. We create a certain space in our mind for ‘Divine’. We slowly strive to mold our minds and bodies into a tuned container so that we can commune with this almost alien concept of Supreme Oneness. Ramakrishna noted that the mature ecstatic lovers fall in love with immanence and not transcendence. “The lover wants to taste the ineffable sweetness of sugar, not to become a transparent crystal of sugar.” I find myself flipping constantly between these two states. I truly yearn for a transcendently ecstatic state, unattached to happiness and tears, but find myself lost in the demanding physical world.

My heart is addicted to sweets. Whenever I imagine the sweet nectar that is my life, my heart giggles and joyously dances through the universes inside of me.

my innermost desire

I've had some very dramatic occurrences in my life this year. So far, 2005 is my most adventurous year yet-and I mean this at every level. Physically, I have been completely rehauled, so to speak. I'm braver emotionally than I've ever been, and have been incredibly rewarded for it. Spiritually, I have developed a level of understanding the universe that thrills me to my toes.

Despite all of this great stuff happening to me, I've been experiencing shocking levels of fear and anxiety these past 2 weeks. My body feels uncertain, shaky. My heart (physical) seems weak and skitterish.

I see these as signs of separation from who I AM. As long as I have that true connection with my Heart, the seat of my Divinity, there is absolutely no reason to fear. That from which my body was created will now and all-ways nurture, nourish and sustain it. If my body truly had a lasting connection to this knowledge, there would never be any reason for it to fear or malfunction.

My mind has been racing, and I've experienced very disturbing nightmares. I want to focus on something and it inevitably races the opposite direction. There are a million opportunities in front of me, and I could grow prosperously from any of them. How do I know which one is my destiny?

My innermost desire is an unbreakable and lasting connection with that which creates my Destiny.

I want my mind to be the last intelligence I go to for answers, comfort or guidance.

I want the whispers of my Heart to become an unendingly thrilling song, constantly filling my soul and world with its magnificient and humble brilliance.

I want to look at another human being, and see nothing but that same Divine current that I AM existing in.

I want to stop using the word "I".

May the blessings of God rest upon you.

A Divine Blessing

I was intimately involved in the treatment of a lady this morning at school and it drove home one of the many blessings granted to me. Words are truly an inferior mode of communication when it comes to light and love, because I do not see how I can relate to you what occurs between patient and practitioner.

Imagine this: Every day you wake up, happy and refreshed, excited. You go to work and are met by beings from every walk of life: young, old, student, teacher, farmer, executive. They come to you of their own free will, and allow you to discover their aches, their sorrows. You are the beneficiary of the gift flowing from their eyes-those windows into their souls. Slowly, as you develop a more intimate relationship, they look at you differently. You can see this transition within the span of one treatment: there is wonder in their eyes, because perhaps for the first time ever someone, anyone, is looking at them like a unique precious gift that deserves to be well, cared for, and loved.

This is my privilege: to love, care for, and look into the eyes of the most precious beings imaginable.

gloves are off

I realize I've allowed myself to waddle in justifiable self-pity. I played this game by taking on the role of a 'damsel in distress', or as I so eloquently put it the other day "a simpering southern belle." It is true that I haven't been feeling well, but that is because there has been a conflict inside my mind. To be more correct: there has been a disparity between my thoughts and my actions.

I've learned that thinking one thing and doing another is a surefire recipe for frustration and loss of self-respect. Sai Baba says "Dharma is created when the mind is purified by Love." Having Dharma (correct thought) doesn't do anyone good if it is not acted upon. Dharmashakti is my goal. This is taking correct action.

I'm ready. There are endless universes inside of me, simmering and mesmerizing. I want you to be able to experience them.

The gloves are off, my friend.

sweetness

My brother Carlos called me an optimistic butterfly yesterday. He was trying to be mean but it just made my day. :D

learn all the rules

I created my destiny sometime ago. Exactly when is a subject of heated debate between those who presume to be experts about religion or spirituality. It has been my experience that experts know nothing. Anyone who goes outside of themselves to learn about what is outside of themselves is, sadly, just being distracted.

I began to read a book by Pico Ayer, Abandon. In it, there is a professor of Religious Studies (an expert on Sufism) who commented "you have to learn all the rules, and then throw them out the window." I liked that. The rest of it I didn't like. For here I had a group of highly intelligent men in this elite circle of Religious Studies, esoterically atempting to find the secret to illumination, ecstasy, and love. It could have been laughable, but it was actually saddening. I hurt when reading that they are picking apart Rumi's poems, rather then living them. How can you read those poems and not feel an impulse to really live? Is it just me?

I feel lonely when I read books like that. Later I'll remember to listen to the whispers of my Heart, and hope that soon they will become the only thing I hear.

i wonder how the moon

I wonder how the moon gets pregnant every month. Well, I have an idea, as Tukaram once wrote:

I think the moon is
pregnant again.

I hope she
won't sue me
this time.

I wonder if Tukaram is around here somewhere. There is a reason why my life was spared. Maybe he knows more.

I'm waiting.

Know Thyself

My Heart spoke once again:

Beautiful One: some call me Father, others Friend. Call me whatever you wish, for I am the Beloved. I am here.

There is no part of you that is not within me. There is no part of this world that is not a part of my Existence.

Roles you play of Mother, Father, Lover, Friend are but practice so you may better understand how to become who I AM.

Cherish the life within you. Cherish the breath around you.

Remember Beloved: there are universes waiting to be born inside of Me.

reacting

I find myself around a lot of people now that I have returned to school, and thus have a chance for observation. It seems like it is very easy to become stuck in our frustration. We find ourselves not liking something, and despite attempts by others to make it better, we get stuck in our frustration. Like with my little brother: we picked him up from school because he didn't like the lunch there. He was frustrated. Despite the fact that we picked him up and took him somewhere, he became stuck in a grumbling unhappy mode.

Why? We have a choice in how we react to situations. Is it really so difficult to switch to seeing the good? To being happy? Maybe this depends on what we expose ourselves to on a day to day basis. Basically, what I aspire to is the following poem by Hafiz:

God and I
have become
like two giant
fat people

living
on a
tiny boat.

We keep
bumping
into each other
and

l
a
u
g
h
i
n
g
.

birth and creation

There are universes yet to be born inside of me.

At night, when I close my eyes and breathe in synchronization with SOHAM (I AM), I feel world upon world gently growing with every beat of my heart.

Why do we say that living this life is our only destiny? As Hafiz laughingly proclaimed: "Our Destiny is to turn into Light!" There are endless possibilities.

There are universes yet to be born inside of me.

huh.

apparently, emotionally mature relationships are rather rare. I've been blissfully unaware of this, as most of my friends are so freakin' cool. I can't imagine wanting to grow with someone and having them act like a five year old. I don't understand people who live by pride alone, rather than living to our fullest potential. I know that life can cause pain and confusion, I've experienced my fair share, but it is so much more than that! Every negative thought or memory is completely eclipsed by a glance out my window. I see warm, clear sunlight shining upon an emerald forest. I see my beautiful baby brothers, with their caustic humor and loving hugs. I love life-no matter what. Why not just live it?

The Big Blue (as seen by Akemi)

I received my copy of this movie yesterday from Netflix, and promptly put it on as soon as I got home at 5. Good thing too, because it was almost 3 hours long. It was a delicious 3 hours, though. If you don't like endings spoiled don't read this!

It was a very, very deep story. At the end of the movie I had to sit for a few minutes to soak it in. Immediately after I spent about 1 hour going back and reviewing scenes to understand the journey a bit better. This is what came to me:

These two men, Jacques and Enzo, by Grace, knew exactly who they were and what they were here to do. Early on, their life is defined by water, and diving. You see Jacques swimming and feeding the fish, later going back and doing it again. In the end, he chooses that world over this, because he knows who he is. Nothing-not earthly love, not companionship or sex, even a child-can make you deny who you are. He came from that world and had to return to it. This is an amazingly powerful analogy of our own journey here. We come from a different world, not this one. However, unlike Jacques, most of us have layer after layer of misdirected crusty energy on us, and we cannot see clearly who we are. We get lost in the world. Jacques enjoys his life. He makes fun of his uncle, he makes love to Johana, he eats Mamma's neverending bowls of spaghetti-but in the end, he is who he is, and that is so powerfully imprinted on every level of his being that he cannot truly deny it and exist. In the end one may think "oh my god! he chose to die!!!" But after thinking about it, I think he chose true life. I don't believe he ever dies, he transforms into those beings he so cherishes and admires-those beautiful mermaids.

I learned another lesson from Johana. As much as her world was Jacques, and there was truly something amazing about her connection with him-she knew she had to do something for herself. She wanted a child. It was very obvious to me (and her), what Jacques' priorities were. The first time they made love he quickly left her to make love to a mermaid.

This is something that I've struggled with: knowing the man that I love so well, knowing his passions and destiny and then allowing it to happen without wanting to have him all to myself! We fall in love with this amazing man, with amazing capabilities and powerfully attractive commitment and dedication-the intensity itself drawing us in. Somewhere along the way, we lose the ability to see that objectively and begin with the fears and desires. "I want you for myself! I'm real! I'm here! Don't go!" When in reality, the reason we connected so much in the first place was that true passion of knowing Self, and fulfilling Self.

My conclusions are as follows:
1.Nothing can change that true vision of Self. Inner Divinity cannot be denied when truly seen.
2. True love is selfless.

Blessed be.

knowing that God exists

I was very, very sick about a month ago. I'm only beginning to appreciate just how ill my body was. The thing was, that I was so engrossed in being, just existing that I didn't notice much. I wasn't very miserable at all. In fact-I was only miserable those first 2 days after surgery. Ha. It all stopped once I threw up my Percocet :) Haven't been on anything ever since-and I've felt great!

Truly-I was very much in shock. But I was in a place emotionally and spiritually that allowed me to exist in a cocoon of LOVE. Every time I opened my eyes someone lovingly spoke to me. Every time I closed them they prayed over me.

Knowing that God exists is a tricky state. It's been a lively debate topic since the dawn of mankind, and it doesn't look like it's going to end any time soon.

How do I know? It's quite simple. However, our crazy-ass computer minds love to gather data and make it run sprints across our conciousness; every day just parading back and forth often conflicting information. Then for the heck of it, tantalizing us with things, desires, that we don't really want but entertain our mind, thus focusing our life energies on something other than really living.

When I really want to get in touch with God, to know whether Divinity exists, I remember how I know: I'm here.