a little bit of history

I have gained an incredible amount of respect for my body. It has truly served me well, and has diverted enormous pain and suffering quietly into itself, without my spirit having a daily experience of it.

Certain blocked memories are becoming known to me. About two weeks ago I had a very disturbing dream, in which I was being sexually abused by a prominent childhood figure. That morning I woke up not feeling anything emotionally (other than mild disbelief), and slowly began to retreat emotionally from those closest to me.

Two trusted, loved, and intuitive companions questioned me about sexual abuse within a few days of each other. I began seriously asking myself, since messages from my Beloved tend to come in threes. I figured I better pay attention.

After some self reflection, I've realized that the sexual abuse did occur. Perhaps by more than one childhood figure. It seems a knowledge imprinted on my cells, even as my mind struggles to realize this.

Whatever the outcome of this I've learned a powerful lesson already:

Truth is the Freedom I've wept and yearned for over a period of 22 years. I'm slowly gaining the courage to own every part of myself. I have no shame, and no need for it; I am a warrior. I'm still the same Akemi that loves the sunshine caressing dancing leaves, the same Akemi whose eyes shine at the possibility of realized Love.

I respect all of my experiences, and work towards realizing them as great and loving lessons given me so that I may fulfill that which is DIVINE.

I hold in my heart part of a poem written by Rabia, a female Islamic saint and prominent Sufi figure:

It Acts Like Love

My body is covered with wounds
this world made,

but I still longed to kiss Him, even when God said,

"Could you also kiss the hand that caused
each scar,

for you will not find me until
you do."