A different kind of smile

My body experienced actual happiness for the first time yesterday. I’ve since been quick to cry.

While practicing in my Chi Kung class, as I stood flowingly still and smiled from the heart I felt a strange warm sensation spread over the trunk of my body. I realized it was joy. My body was smiling! The sensation I experience in my Heart when it smiles has now spread to other vital organs.

This brings up all sorts of questions like:

Has my body never been happy before?

Is this what a healthy body should feel like?

I came to a new level of realization about my constant worry and anxiety. I know that I’m generally anxious, but now I have something to compare it to. Boy, what a difference.

I experienced a smiling body for about 10 seconds. It was long enough to change my life.

why fear?

There is no need or place for fear in my life. I am understanding more and more that the fear I feel and the consequent physical symptoms are simply a manifestation of uncertainty in my being.

Failing Forward

I found out this morning that I failed 2 portions of the board examinations for acupuncture. The best part? It was the 2 easiest portions. At least, I thought they were at the time. You’ll have to excuse me, as I’m still in a bit of shock.
There are 2 predominant trains of thought in my mind right now:

1. AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
2. Hmm. Interesting. Thy will be done, not mine. What is it that You want me to do, Beloved? Why this wake up call?

I’m going to take care of train of thought number one in Kung Fu tonight. As my boyfriend drove me home this morning I was making a momentous effort not to let my emotions overtake me and I could feel my neck tighten. It is an old feeling. I used to repress so much emotion. My whole right upper back is aching now. Isn’t it amazing how quickly it happens? Even though I’m conscious of this pattern, it is still occurring. However, because of my consciousness, and my will, it is not overtaking me. I am not stuck in this mode, I am slowly and consciously moving beyond it. It will take some effort, as tears stream into my eyes now and frustration courses through me. It’s okay.

I know who I am, and what I am here to do. I realize sometimes the universe will do what it needs to in order to keep the timing correct. It’s not time for me to start practicing right now. Perhaps I need to be working on the foundation of my practice, rather than jump straight into it. Perhaps I need to take a break, and rest, and finish healing and take the time I never took after last year’s surgery. Perhaps I need to enjoy my life, and live it, and not worry so much about finances and security. Perhaps I should have more Faith, and visualize and manifest that which is the will of my Highest Self, the I AM.

I call upon the wisdom and strength of my highest Self. I call upon my guides, ascended and unascended, angels, masters and prophets. Help me clarify my vision, and strengthen this body. Prepare me for that which I came here to do. Amyn.

Old Poems

I was cleaning my room (a rare occurrence indeed), and fell upon an old journal from 2003-2004. I read through several of my poems, little mystical things they are, and decided to share. Here's one from April 2004.

Must it be more clear
my dear One?

after talking to you I float away
on a cloud of God's Fire into
a tropical rainforest
where the waters fall
and my fairies dance.

Now I have to think

I slept for another 11 hours last night. It felt great. It feels like I could sleep more. I will this weekend, if I can. Rose and Maga are coming (cousin and aunt from venezuela), a rare treat. I feel like it’s a graduation gift.

It was suggested to me that I should be polishing up my critical thinking skills...which I actually realize I have plenty of. I just don’t use them very often. Looking at stuff online, it’s like starting to work out again. It makes my eyes tired. But I remember loving logic and algebra, once I understood it. It was fun. I will definitely do it again. I do want to learn and practice chess. An activity I can share with my brothers and friends. I think it will help my self esteem. I won’t feel so helpless when I have to think. I do remember way back in college History class, and I had to write essays I was quite good at doing them critically. I’m also good at debate, and the UN forum required a lot of critical thinking skills along with emotional feeling. So I know I can be very well balanced and strong. This critical thinking will help me get where I need to go, and be less dependent on my emotions, and will probably help me get control of my mind a little more.

I’m getting REALLY hungry so as much as I want to stay here and write, and learn about thinking (I realize I mostly daydream my thoughts) I need some fuel for thought.

ps: This is the site I'm looking at to remember how to play Chess. It's hilarious. Check it out.

Thank you friends

I have my whole life ahead of me. My last relationship made me realize how quick I am to hand my life over to another person.”Sure! I’ll be with you and plan my life along with yours.” I do this without a true foundation. I need to respect myself better than that. I AM respecting myself better than that. I am worth it. For the first time I am allowing myself to feel the appreciation and love of those who surround me. I am not doubting myself...this is starting to feel like a hallmark commercial, but it is groundbreaking for me.

Is the outside world truly a reflection of what is going on inside us? I’ve been experiencing the results of this experiment. I hope I allow myself to stay this way, and not revert back to the old way of being. This is a very critical point in my life, in my career. I can be proud of myself, and my family and friends. At this point, with everything that has been going on at school and home, I can truly see character in those surrounding me.

Thank you, friends.

Barely Logical

This is from astro.com, an astrology website, which gives information on the signs. The following is what it had to say about the sagittarius woman.

Never assume that all explorers, mountain-climbers and world travellers are male Sagittarians. The true female Centaur is as restless, as hungry for experience, as eager to explore the fascinating carnival of life as her male counterpart. This woman needs personal freedom to an extraordinary degree, and she's not famous either for her readiness to commit herself or for her enthusiasm about domestic responsibilities. She may be happier spending a lifetime without either. She's as likely to have a child out of wedlock and happily raise it as a travelling companion as she is to ensconce herself behind secure walls.

I DO need freedom to an extraordinary degree. Why do I always forget that? Why do I convince myself that I need to be the perpetual half of a couple. That I need to be dependent on my partner for my happiness? I see in my memory visions of my mother sobbing, chasing my father, begging him not to leave us. I remember her throwing up and making herself sick over it. I remember having to go after them. I remember going to the drugstore to get her Valerian Root, to try and get her to rest. Eh, I feel uncomfortable and scared right now. Is that the way I want to be? NO. The truth is I got mixed messages when I was growing up. I remember everyone, my mother included, telling me to do whatever I wanted to do, go wherever I wanted to go. I was FREE. Except my main role model wasn’t. She attached herself to both relationships she’s been in: my father and my stepfather, and I guess either didn’t think she could make it on her own, or thought it would be better for her children to have the male in their lives. I won’t pretend to know what the right answer was, but I feel that conflict inside me. I am Akemi, beautiful, strong, Akemi. I can do whatever I want. However, in the past, he second I found a potential partner, a part of me latched on, fearful of them leaving. While in the relationship I get scared, and uncomfortable. Then we break up, and I feel good, and free. I just need to realize:
I NEED PERSONAL FREEDOM TO AN EXTRAORDINARY DEGREE. IT IS SIMPLY PART OF WHO I AM. NO SHAME ABOUT IT! JUST ENJOY MY FREEDOM.

Don't try to possess her. And don't tell her to do something. Ask. Nicely. The dramatic exit and the slammed door aren't just for effect. She probably already bought her flight tickets weeks before. Sagittarian women need to communicate, and they need to be listened to. If you're after the quiet, docile type, forget it. Many Sagittarian women are great talkers. Some go on too long and become bores. But more likely she'll be fascinating and inspiring. She's a conversational animal who needs an interested, communicative partner. Most important, she needs to be in love. Without a belief in love, her spirit will wilt.

I love the first line of that paragraph. It is so true. Unfortunately it took my mom about 18-19 years to figure that out. Once she did that, I generally had no problem doing whatever it was she wanted me to do. Generally other’s people drama doesn’t impress me, it just causes a lot of eye-rolling and muttering about immaturity and being annoyed. My drama however, is a truly important expression of feelings. Ha.

She also has a strong sense of fun and humour. Tact may not be in abundant supply. Don't expect diplomatic flattery. More likely she'll deliver a verbal punch between the eyes, not because she's cruel, but because she has a tendency to speak before she thinks and doesn't register in time that you've collapsed on the floor. She's usually right, too, which can be infuriating. She may not be strong on logic, but her sharp intuition sees right through posturing and hypocrisy.

I have noticed this part of myself with some close friends of mine, and family. I do feel myself be a little mean. Especially when I haven’t eaten anything recently. Thankfully some of my friends realize this and start to feed me. The logic thing....totally true. I’m not the most logical person on the planet, not even close. I’m barely logical at times. I strongly dislike posturing and hypocrisy. DO NOT do this around me because I’ll just get really annoyed. I’ll try not to be mean, though. Good luck.

The Sagittarius woman is in love with life itself. Life is to be lived, not nailed down, and although she's likely to take quite a few romantic knocks (not least because her independence and craving for freedom may drive away a few frightened partners), she never loses her faith in the future. This woman is an optimist, and a believer in life's fundamental goodness and meaning. Sagittarian faith is infectious. But unlike most infectious things, it isn't harmful. Quite the opposite: it enriches life.

This last paragraph fits me to a T. Can’t say anything more. I Love Life! Love it! All parts of it. The easy parts, the hard parts, the highs, the lows, the ins and outs. Dances and fights, making love and working hard. Everything. Why? I’m alive. That’s enough reason for me.

growing up

My friends are truly the rock of my life. They are the manifestation of the Divine Energy in my world, because they have helped me on my journey, and managed to remind me that I am beautiful, strong, and special. These past few weeks have been very difficulty for me, but I feel myself coming out of my shell. Energy is moving in my life again. Things are happening, and I am making things happen. I feel more like a woman than I ever have, and I am noticed and appreciated. It feels good.

I’ve also been exercising more than I have in years over the past week. I should make Kung Fu and Salsa exercise video.

I’m noticing that my communication with myself has reached a whole new level of sophistication since my Communications Class. I feel the ‘Child’ whining, and being upset inside of me, and automatically, the Adult soothes the Child, and allows it to feel heard. It also takes command of the situation. By golly, the princess is growing up. Finally.

In the light

I called laura today about possibly being roommates with her and tamara and they were both very open to it, which I am very excited about. They are a little older than me, wiser and sweet like cherry pie. I think we would have a blast and be a perfect match for the dude ranch.

I feel good. I just finished practicing kung fu. The past few weeks I've practiced twice a week, and already I can tell a difference in my strength and flexibility. I also have more endurance, which is very encouraging. I'm going to start practicing in the morning to take advantage of kung fu's ability to build Qi, which I definitely need. I need more qi to go up into my head and give me more clarity of thought. Right now I feel like I'm in a bit of a fog, have felt that way for a while. This will change, I'm sure, with my graduation and more diligent practice as well as regular herb intake.

I plan on working on the cruise ship from late november to march. this will be a high season for me, and I will create financial prosperity for myself, learn how to build a practice and make important contacts for love and life and business. I will continue to be a great friend and be supportive of those close to me. no jealousy, threat or competition between us. only love and caring, and JOY most of all. I choose to live in the light. breathe in the light. be in the light. laugh love and support in the light.

Intuitive Self

For the first time since I was a young child I feel my intuition and I am allowing myself to flow with it. For years I have often felt discomfort at my solar plexus, and anxiety along with it. I didn’t understand the burning feeling I often had in my gut. I now understand that I have been resisting my intuitive powers since very young, because I used my power and was disappointed with the result. Today I have chosen to be fully connected with myself, and follow my intuition, that wonderful gift that we have been given. A woman should never be without her intuition. I feel the power surge up inside of me and rather than resist it I allow myself to flow with it. I allow myself to feel my power. I feel strong. Clearer than I ever have. I see my patterns more clearly, and am able to deflect harmful thought habits.

Right now I am beginning a journey deeper into myself. I am resolved to see it through. I am so excited at the possibilities of life as myself, for the sake of my sanity and happiness. Who knew that my happiness would be so valuable to the world? For by living in happiness I create an energetic force field that strengthens those who also desire that in their lives. How fabulous. I love it. I love you.

Blessed be

A Gleaming Future

Life is good. I feel so much better. I have some clarity. I am calm. I am going to be okay. I know it. I am loved.

Today I allowed myself to feel the wholeness of my heart, around my scared vulnerable scars, and it felt so good and beautiful.

I am excited about my relationships. I am excited to get to know myself, and to just be with my boyfriend. The future is gleaming, tendrils of rainbow colored light warming my saddened soul. Difficulties are many, but miracles cannot be counted.

Hmm, Love. In my life, many miracles have already occurred. I see a few peeking just around the corner.

I am me.

I don’t know what to do but surrender. I’ve been depressed for a while now. My heart can’t take this separation. I’ve been thinking about breaking up with my lover for the last few days. I cry like I haven’t cried my whole life. I cry because I haven’t cried my whole life. I am so mad that he is not here to take care of me. I am upset because my best friends have to take care of me. They talk to me, and feed me, give me massages, dance with me, love me. But HE’s not here. And my heart shuts down. And i push him away, deep inside I push him away. I can’t look at his ring anymore. And it makes me sad. It makes me so sad because I am so crazy about him I can’t see straight. His eyes pierced into my soul the day we met and I’ve never been the same since. But I have to be able to live my life, and lately I haven’t felt like I’ve been living. It feels like I’ve been going through the motions of laughing, dancing, and crying. I’ve been going through the motions because I don’t feel truly alive until we’re making love. That push pull ecstasy that drives me to go deeper into me, into him. Into us. I make no sense to myself, and finally I accept it.

Yes, I’m crazy about my boyfriend. Yes I love him. Yes, he is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Yes I am a goddess. No, I don’t act like it. Yes I need space, I need to push him away. Yes, I need to define myself. Yes. Yes. Yes. I am me.

I feel better

I feel so much better now. I've been listening to Eckhart Tolle's "Even The Sun Will Die", and his voice is the only thing that keeps my mind focused when I'm studying. It feels like his voice and presence evoke the same mental emotional and physical responses that a good Qikung session will. How fabulous for me, because I was feeling rather hopeless about the whole thing (studying). Mind jumping here and there. But now, I surrender to this. Yes. My mindset is simply yes. yesss. yesssssss......i feel it in my heart, and the constant contraction of stress and nervous tension suddenly relaxes and in an evoked moment of freedom. Finally. It has been weeks. and finally I surrender. Yes.

Blessed be.

rambles

So I sit here, loving myself, or trying to. tears simmering in my tired old eyes. we have a meeting tonight, about the hours drama with clinic. I am so tired. I am so tired of this I cannot even tell you, princess....but I ask for divine light, assistance. I ask for help. Now I take the help lovingly offered me by my guides, those seen and unseen beings with whom I have an inviolable relationship. Thank you guides. I love you.

I need to take a break. I need to focus on my life and my career. This is taking to much of my energy. i mean, give me a break. my head says: we need to stop with this. we need to focus on our relationship. and stop worrying about ourselves. huh. i didn’t realize that’s what i wrote. I’m tired. I’m sick and tired.
I have to go. I have to move on. i have to rest.

No Reason

I've been impressively calm since about 7:45 last night. I had a
little breakdown, I was sad at my patient's depression and
overwhelming fatigue. It just hurt so badly. He is such a beautiful
person.

Now today I am once again nervous. scattered. painfully concious of my
mental insanity. Ha. Do the insane notice their insanity? I don't
know. I'm in a communications class in school, and we are practicing
'noticing.' This is what I notice about myself.

My eyes tend to tear up for no reason that I am concious of. I just
randomly get so sad.
My chest flutters and it feels unstable. I feel like I can't breathe
properly even though I am taking even breaths.
I feel uncomfortable in my chest.
My neck hurts.

I love the green leaves of trees. Of plants in my home. They are a sign of LIFE.
I am alive. I am alive, oh Lord thank you for your bounty. I am so
glad I am here even with my petty fears and uncertain insecutiries,
this mismatch of supreme self-confidence and annihilated self-image.

To quote a song from the Birmingham Sunlights:

"Help me on my journey, help me on my way,
please, please, please, Lord help me,
you're the only Friend I have."

Lord, Help me on my Journey.

Fierce Compassion

I'm concerned with our current state of ignorance. I just watched a
great documentary, Born into Brothels, yesterday afternoon. It was
about children in Calcutta that had been born to prostitutes in the
Red Light District. An American Photographer traveled to take
pictures in that district and inevitably encountered the children, who
are everywhere. My mother walked in on the last half and was
surprised to see this, because she didn't know such things happened in
India. I'm also reading a book called "The Bond Between Women: A
Journey to Fierce Compassion" by China Galland. In the book the
author encounters women fighting child prostitution and slavery over
and over, despite her search towards understanding images of a fierce Divine Feminine like Kali and Tara. She quickly realized that this Divine Mother Warrior was manifesting in all of us, because our world is in danger.

I am convinced that we are in an age of action. The search for
spiritual 'englightenment' no longer precludes involvement in
'worldly' affairs. We don't have to be renunciants any more. No
more hiding out in the Himalayas, or in monasteries. The time for
action is now. It is the time to BE the message. Let us be living
embodiments of that which we desire of our Divinity, whatever it may
be. Do we want compassion? Let us be compassionate. Do we want
healing? Let us heal. Do we want guidance? Let us be wise.

Planning, thinking, feeling. Let us not become trapped in inaction.
I think it is frustrating for us to think about things over and over,
and wonder their results if we took action. However, I also believe
that we take comfort in not taking action. While we seethe and worry
we are secretly glad that we are not DOING, for then we would have a
huge responsibility. That of the result! I want to be brave. I want
to follow the murmurs of my heart, with its wonderful wisdom and
blooming enlightenment.

Today I am traveling the journey of Fierce Compassion.

Blessed be.

Time is not our master.

I awaken from a semi-deep sleep with a beautiful tree washed golden
with the light of the sun. It makes me smile, for I feel like the
tree. Washed lovingly with the Light of my Self, that Self that
manifests within and without.

There's a cool breeze here, and I'll be sure to bundle up as I walk to school.

My heart keeps smiling, despite my obsessive thoughts. It smiles AT my
obsessive thoughts. The thoughts slowly dissipate away. What wondrous
miracles we cultivate when we yearn for peace. I'm slowly learning to
relax within my self. It is difficult. But I will accomplish it,
slowly and surely, in my own time.

Thank God we HAVE time. It gives us a sense of urgency, a sense of
wanting to accomplish. Can you imagine living, just living, without
having any way to mark anniversaries, accomplishments, goals and
dreams? Time is a tool to be used wisely, and it is not to be our
Master. This will be my goal for the day.

Love and Blessings.

oh blessed life

My mind is clear, my voice is stronger, my mission palpable.

I can't write as much as I feel. The tools of my expression, while
not limited to touch, are more palpable if that sense is used.

Music is much more important to me thatn I realize, and I need to
focus my energies appropriately.

Allah Hu!!!! Ashqq drips from my tongue and Love lights up my Soul.

My hope and prayer is for Love, Light, Beauty and Harmony in every
human's heart.

For Peace.

I always forget

Some days I tend to get lost in the problems I think I have. A little
walk might give me a few minutes to stew, but I inevitably become
distracted by the bamboo at the house on the corner. Across the
street from that house is another with a beautiful Sunflower bush. I
then look up at the sky and smile. I'm so silly.

As I walk into my clinic, I start worrying again. Usually about what I
was worrying about before, and about what I'm going to be doing.

30 minutes later I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, doing
what I love to do.

I always forget, until I'm there to remember.

ShivaShakti

Sita once remarked, "In one form I am Sita. In another, I am Rama." In the tender chaos occurring in my being, I am realizing the concurrent manifestation of Shiva-Shakti, or Rama-Sita, Radha-Krishna, of Yin and Yang. Divine Mother is allowing every atom to stretch further than it ever has, for yin and yang to separate, so that I may realize its innate wholeness.

I weep. I laugh. I jump on my bed. Lay on the floor. Sing blissfully and dance in awakening. I sit quietly with nothing to say.

This morning I saw the Goddess manifesting in every woman. Her radiant Beauty, inner Strength and compassionate Manifestation swept across my vision. It may only have happened for 2 seconds, but I was so gratefully blessed with that Divine vision.

I worry about nonsensical possibilities. When I remember that, in moments like this one...I can't even think anymore.

This very moment the Sun shines on my skin. I hear the murmur of traffic, and the gentle song of our avian friends.

Gaze now, astonished lovers,
on the friends of supreme Love,
who manifest again and again
to purify and dissolve the world of limitation.
The very earth is trembling beneath the thunderous dance
of this Divine and human love.

Ramakrishna

I dream about Christmas

Dreams can be difficult. There are so many realms, concious,
unconcious, subconcious, superconcious...They can be garbage from our
day chewed on over again, or simple fantasies, or prophetic and
profound. Dreams can bring us the key to locks presented in 'real'
life.

To be honest, most of the time I simply can't tell.

Last night I dreamt it was Christmas again, and I didn't even realize
it. A whole year had passed and I had no clue! I remember my dad's
voice sternly saying "Akemi! You are silly. It's Christmas!"

Whatever that dream meant, I truly hope I enjoy every moment of this year.

The Meaning of Life

I believe this with all my heart.

In an 1890 sermon, clergyman Henry Drummond talks about our meeting
with the Creator. He says:

"At this moment, the great question of the human being will not be: "How have I lived?"

Rather, it will be: "How have I loved?"

The final test of every search is the dimension of our Love. What we have done, what we believe in and what we achieved, will not be taken into account.

None of that will be demanded of us, but rather our way of loving our fellow human. The errors we have committed will not even be remembered. We will not be judged by the bad we have done, but rather by the good that we have failed to do. Keeping Love locked up inside oneself is going against the spirit of God; it is proof that we have never known Him, that He has loved us in vain.

Rahman--On Compassion

I vividly felt a lack of compassion within myself yesterday. I really
was in complete apathy over someone who was possibly in pain because
of things I was not doing. Today I was on the phone with someone and
displayed no compassion at all over their suffering. I arrived at
this conclusion when I mentally went over my actions over the past day
to see if I have stayed within the boundaries dharma, or correct
action. While I had technically not commited any incorrect action, I
did fail to manifest one of the most revered Divine qualities known to
all realms.

How to work on this? Awareness. Today I made an effort with the
individual I failed to connect with yesterday. I will rectify my
mistake in the phone conversation tomorrow. I plan on chanting arab
wasifas (ya rahman) and following the example of Ascended Master Kwan
Yin.

I am working in a healing modality. It is vital to my development as a
human to become a fountain of Divine Compassion. I have certainly
experienced enough to know what it feels like.

I am not incompassionate with those I respect. Only people I perceive
as weak. It makes me sad to realize this, but happy that I have
realized it. Existence is a double-edged sword.

Only a heart with wings can fly!

Happy New Year, my friends.

I have no delineated resolutions per se, but I do have a general idea
of what I will endeavor to accomplish in the upcoming year.

I will continue to be aware of my mind. I feel its weight dragging on
my heart on a minute to minute basis. It is amazing to me, how
volatile and controlling it is. I am also grateful for the ability to
see these qualities of the mind.

I spent a wonderful evening last night with family and friends. I
participated in the Global Peace Dance facilitated by the Dances of
Universal Peace. My heart did fly. I saw old friends that I have not
seen in a while...and was able to share with them the love I have for
them.

I want to empty my heart out, and fill it up with gratefulness and
joy. I believe peace and equanimity are very important. That means
that I must be impartial to the ups and downs in my life. Again my
mind plays a vital role in that.

I want to take care of myself a little more. My body has worked hard.
It's gone through a lot. I'm so happy to be alive.

Blessed be.