transforming anger into peace

Honesty is hard. Especially when hurting someone is the last thing your heart wants to do. I found myself balking at talking to my mother about moving out, because I was afraid of her disapproval. I was also afraid of hurting her feelings. I finally spoke to her today, and although my fears were not unfounded, I feel much better in my relationship with her. I know, and she knows, that I have matured and will not make hasty decisions. I don't plan on striking out on my own until I have solidified and cleansed my relationship with my family to a level I'm comfortable with. If I don't, the whole pattern would just repeat itself when I start my own family. This is not compatible with my goal of spiritual evolution.

My brother is starting high school next fall. I walked through his campus today, and saw those 15 year old girls wearing short shorts and knee pads (for volleyball tryouts). If I was half the person then that I am today...well...It's hard not to look back and see what I would have done differently. I cannot expect a fifteen year old to have the maturity of a 23 year old.

This summer I'm focusing on my family relationships. There is much forgiveness and rebuilding to be done. I'm realizing how many emotions I've suppressed my entire life.

Last night I began an exercise: I recalled interactions with people in my life that made me feel anger, pain, frustration or any such negative emotion. Instead of suppressing that energy and focusing myself in prayer, I conciously jumped on the wave of that emotion and through my heart transformed it into peace. I was chanting 'shanti, shanti, shanti' in my heart. What ended up happening is that I felt energy come at me from the individual, passed through my heart and became transformed into loving peace, and returned to the other person. It was an amazing experience, but difficult to stay in. I realize that it will take a lot of concentration, energy, and internal silence. It was very powerful. I felt the power at a physical level.

I realized that I'll always be a hypocritical warrior for peace if I don't work through any negative memory and emotion I have towards any being. I want to live the words I write. I don't want my life to be half-assed. It's time to fly.