i want to ache

Lately I've become numbed by the physical pleasures Divinity provides for us. By physical pleasures I mean: food, sleep, entertainment, etc. They're addictive pacifiers. In truth, realizing who we are is a rather painful feeling, as Hafiz comments: "separation from God is the hardest thing in the world." Once you know, and really allow yourself to be in that space, you're thrown in a plethora of ecstasy: seeking, finding, being. However, if we don't reaffirm that space daily, we can easily go back to our regular numb bodies, minds and spirits. I feel like I've done that this week.

I haven't felt very comfortable these last 2 weeks because of a mild cold, just strong enough to make me annoyed at the loss of energy and inconvenience. It's amazing how quickly the disengage from that inner well can occur. According to my research, it seems like most 'saints' who attain a permanent connection to Divine do so after 20-30 years of work. It's hard for me to realize constantly how young I am, and how much future is really sitting in front of me. I am realizing this more and more, and am being much less hard on myself. This ability allows me to use my daily activities and 'retrogressions' (as I might see them) as lessons along the path to my Inner Castle.

Just Sit There Right Now
by Hafiz, Translated by Daniel Ladinsky

Just
sit there right now.
Don't do a thing. Just rest.

For
your separation from God
is the hardest work in this world.

Let me bring you trays of food and something
that you like to
drink.

You can use
my soft words
as a cushion
for your head.

feeling

Today's been a weird day. I haven't been feeling much ardor or passion today and i find myself increasingly depressed and frustrated. I didn't really do anything that I wanted to do today, because I didn't really know what I wanted. After some thought, however, I came to the conclusion that I never took the time today to find out what it is I want. I tell you what, it is harder than it seems.

I was going to go into this whole philosophical discussion about this, but to be honest: I was mad because my brother would not take me to see Kung Fu Hustle. He just changed his mind! I have only five minutes to become super-hot ;) (you can tell I've been home for too long) so I have to let y'all ponder my first paragraph intensely!

on Divinity and Curiosity

I find myself more curious than I have ever been. I look at a squirrel and wonder what it is like to be a squirred...what does she think about? talk about? is she really mad at the other squirrel or are they playing? I see the trees dance in the wind and wish to be held tenderly by it as well.

There are parts of me that I've ignored, or not given sufficient energy to in the past few years of my life. After surgery, I feel as if an old crusty layer has been taken off of me, and I can truly see and hear for the first time. I feel a little incomplete, because I have not developed some gifts that I've been given. These gifts allow me to connect to other people on a day to day basis. A new batch of messages from Orion arrived (if you wish to suscribe leave me a comment), and I connected with the following passage:

On a smaller scale, each of you can affect a change and inspire those around you. You can breathe hope and love into a world controlled by grade and greed—by following the tenets of your own beliefs and in your own way, placing DIVINE above mundane, placing spiritual growth at the head of your list of goals rather than as a sideline, embracing love of the Divine above all else. There is no time like the present moment to consider your own evolution as the powerful tool it is. To change the world, change first yourself.


The idea of placing Divine above mundane is incredibly powerful for me. Just thinking about it elevates every part of my being to a new level...I feel my cells jumping at the chance.

I've decided to utilize my every action to become closer to the Divine. Normally, I would beat myself up for watching certain tv shows, or some such thing. The other night I decided to ask myself what it was about that particular show that made me 'happy', what did I get out of watching it? Through this process I discovered a Divine secret, one that is not a secret at all, but a universal truth that was not obtained through fasting and prayer but rather self-inquiry.

I need to develop unshakable faith in the Divine, that it is truly powerful above all else. So far I feel like the only way to do this is to live in the Divine and give power to nothing else.

Blessings to You, Beloved.

i love my puppy

DSCF2132
Originally uploaded by dharmashakti.

this is chico, the old soul who chose to be my dog, and who thinks he knows more than anyone else in the family. ha!

please

every time you open your eyes, open your heart as well, and remember to be one of God's shining miracles.

We owe life at least that much respect.

all clear

I went to the oncologist today, and the all clear alarm sounded! my CT scan is clean, and my blood tests are back to normal (apart from slight anemia). yay! the Dr said that with the dysgerminoma that I had there was a 10-15% history of recurrence in the other ovary. So for the next five years there will be very frequent visits to his office. I go back for another CT in 2 months! yuck. that stuff I have to drink is not pleasant, but alas, it is for the good of this very hot bod ;D

I actually experienced boredom last night-a very good sign of recovery! as a result, I went to clinic at my school and partook of observing patient treatments. I was interested and engaging in conversation-all very good signs, I think. Class starts next week, and I think by then I'll feel even better.

I've been wearing my contacts for the past couple of days, and so have been able to see my eyes. They've changed. I've changed. A lot. I feel stronger, more secure and stable. My soul is much like Helen Keller's, who said "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." I'm going to start doing what I want to do: canoeing, kayaking, sleeping on the grass, talking to the squirrels I share the trees with. I can do more with my relationship with my father, and am excited about connecting with him on a deeper level. Day before yesterday he took me to a park and we walked for a few minutes, and sat down and looked at the trees. I felt good.

you're someone's soul mate

I believe soul mates are an intrinsic part of our journey through life.

I don't agree with the 'historical' definition of soul mate--of that one magical person whom you shall meet and live happily ever after with-although that could be true(why not?). To me, a soul mate is a being that's incarnated on this earth, around the same time you have, and has part of the journey to share. That is, part of your journey, that exhilarating, indescribable light-filled journey, comes with magical companions!

Do we all find these glowing, nurturing beings? of course not! the majority of us are not anywhere near the path we said we were undertaking before we were born! Most of us choose security over passion. Our fear of chaos and loneliness, rejection and poverty overshadows that vibrant vision written in every cell and atom of our fierce being. Indeed, if everyone actually followed their heart without fear, without hesitation,don't you believe that the world would be transformed?

I've been blessed with the discovery of several soul mates. Their presence in my life remind me of how all relationships should be. I want the closeness, the comfort, the exhilaration and excitement of sharing with every being in creation.

live, live, live!

did you know that i love gospel music? i'm listening to the Birmingham Sunlights' In the Garden (my Lord walks with me, and talks with me...) They have so much soul! I always get so inspired. Writing about inspiration, the past couple of days I've felt the need to be inspired. I've realized how much i truly love my life and everything that i have available to me. I don't want to waste breaths. why would i? i've been given a new life. It's time for me to be Akemi, no ifs, ands or butts about it ;D I'm actually a very active person, believe it or not. (i'm talking to those of you that know me). i haven't been following through on it lately but all that's changed!

it is raining and cool here in florida. the green in the trees makes my heart squeal with happiness.

i'll write you more later, cutie pie. i'm distracted by music that moves my soul....

i love you.

something new

i've been reading Daniel Ladinsky's "Love Poems from God" for about 3 days straight...over, and over and over...and I find myself trembling and excited. I feel like I'm at the verge of some great cataclysmic event that will forever change my molecular structure. As I was tossing in my sleep last night, I thought: should I seek comfort in my Lover's face? The thought faded...a few minutes later it hit me that this was something I should really look into. I wrote this poem today:


I trembled in tortured ecstasy for
You, Wise One.

An earthquake overtook my cells the
other night while I contemplated the following
thought: Should I seek comfort in my Lover's face?

While I wanted to so badly my cells
jumped at the chance,
I've never felt closer
to feeling what those great saints have.

I've become addicted to desire.

Don't worry, Luminous One.
My addiction is strictly for that sweet
nectar Your luscious and almost vulgar
breasts promise they have.

at the oncologist's

I have to admit: I'm a little scared. I had my appointment with the oncologist today, just for a follow up visit reccomended by my surgeon. I really haven't given it that much thought...I believed I'd just go in and come out the same. Sometimes I wonder if i've learned much from life.

my blood count is up :) it could stand to be higher, but eggs and herbs will take care of that ;D however, last he saw, 1 tumor marker was still kind of high and there is another test he wants to run. I also have to have a CT scan to make sure I'm all clear. I guess i just got nervous because he started to talk about our options, with chemo, and the chance of me losing my fertility for a couple of years. it's just scary to contemplate. I mean, i've been gifted with sight of my reason for embodiment, and am eternally grateful for it. I know anything i have on top of fulfilling that is just icing on the cake: every time i fall in love, every friend i cuddle with, every laugh i wryly coax out of my mother...all those are just gifts. i know i'm not here to be married and have children, although that in itself is a very high mission indeed. but somehow, the possibility of that being taken away is very challenging for me. i wasn't expecting another test so quickly, but my Beloved is impetuous and spontaneous like me.

i asked myself if it was a child that i wanted so much, would i bear one in the next two years, given the choice? no. that's not what i'm to do with the time at hand...merging is my goal, Beloved.

still, there is something about not being able to...

Lord bless me and protect me. Amen.

fort desoto

stark
Originally uploaded by dharmashakti.

so mami and I ended up in Fort Desoto (St Pete Beach) for the weekend. It was so beautiful! I loved the park, it was so huge, had like 3 different beaches. The weather was perfect. I truly enjoyed the time I had there, and yearn to go back with more of my loved ones.

Mom and I talked a lot about a lot :) She commented that she was glad we were compatible travelers. I am too. She drove and I told her where to go!!! It was great! lol.

I began reading Gandhi's Book of Prayers, in which he translated several vedic texts, as well as prayers in other traditions, that were used in his ashram. I was really touched. I love chanting the vedas, and it feels soooooooo good--it's great to know why. I think Gandhi and I need to sit down and have an intimate conversation. I'll let you know how it goes.

I feel like i'm going crazy

I feel like I'm going crazy. I've been so peaceful and effortlessly detached from relationships at a human level--I know that sounds crazy to some of you, but that's not the crazy part. It has been very good for me, and has allowed me to go through the past few months, all very challenging for me. I see that it has also helped those surrounding me live through the seeming nightmare of cancer and surgery. But now, tonight...for two hours I've felt an intense desire to merge...to delve, to sink, to melt into my Other.

This beautiful mirror that came into my life has been good to me, and for me. However, I really can honestly say that I have not felt attached to this Other and I've been proud of myself for that--I'm evolving! in a good way! So when this intense feeling overcame me, I asked myself what I really wanted from this merge. I began to explore these feelings in my head, and found no satisfaction. I reminded myself of my previous conclusion that emotional Love was really dissatisfying for me..what I seek is experiencing Divine Love. I want to experience Love! In every level-as much as I can, for as long as I can. Why should I worry about mundane things? Should I focus on book knowledge and practicalities when the opportunity to experience Divinity is standing in front of me, trembling and excited, like a mermaid that's just discovered a rainbow? I don't know...I mean, I do know, but I don't. That's the crazy part.

I know what I want, a very real part of me does...and I seek and pray for illumination so that it becomes a firm reality in my exterior conciousness, because this not knowing is just plenty annoying, dude. I feel like screaming because I WANT TO MERGE! I want to be ONE in my Heart, in my Soul, in the deepest part of the Ocean that I know exists somewhere inside of me.

Here I was whining because I couldn't write poems as deliciously tortured and ecstatic as Kabir, St Theresa, Hafiz or Rumi. Boy, I gotta be careful what I wish for.

I want to merge with You, Other. It aches, like an ecstatic sadness that courses through my body with currents drunk on sweet wine. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Blessed Be.

paulo coelho and warrior of the light

how inspiring! I love my personal destiny, that mystical path that is at once perfectly clear in my head and clouded in the mists of Avalon. I get glimpses of it--flashes, if you will; later on, other days, I laze around watching TV and wonder frustratingly what it is I want to do, and why the heck aren't I doing it? Let me DARE to be that which I AM. The story below was written by paulo coelho, favorite author, and you can access this and other beautiful anecdotes at www.warriorofthelight.com

The pianist in the shopping center  
 

     I am strolling casually through a shopping center in the company of a violinist friend. Ursula, born in Hungary, is today a top musician in two international philharmonic orchestras. All of a sudden she grabs my arm:
     “Listen!”
     I listen. I hear voices, adult voices, children shouting, noises of televisions turned on in electrical-appliance shops, high heels clip-clopping on the tiled floor, and that well-known music that is omnipresent in shopping centers the world over.
     “So, isn’t it marvelous?”
     I answer that I hear nothing marvelous or special.
     “The piano!” she says, throwing me a look of disappointment. “The pianist is marvelous!”
     “It must be a recording.”
     “Don’t talk nonsense.”
     Listening more carefully, it becomes obvious that the music is live. Now a Chopin sonata is being played, and now that I can concentrate, the notes seem to conceal all the noise surrounding us. We stroll through the corridors jammed with people, shops, reduced prices, things that they claim everyone has – except you and me. We reach the food plaza: people eating, chatting, arguing, reading newspapers, and one of those special attractions that all shopping centers try to offer their customers.
     In this case, a piano and a pianist.
     He plays two more sonatas by Chopin, and then Schubert, Mozart. He must be about 30; a notice hanging at the side of the small stage explains that he is a famous musician from Georgia, one of the former Soviet Republics. He must have been looking for work, doors were closed, he became desperate, resigned himself and now he is here.
     But I am not sure that he is even here: his eyes look at the magic world this music was composed, his hands share with everyone the love, the soul, the enthusiasm, the best of himself, his years of study, concentration and discipline.
     The only thing he seems not to have understood is that nobody, absolutely nobody has gone there to hear him play, but to buy, eat, enjoy themselves, look at shop windows and meet friends. A couple stops beside us, talking in a loud voice, and then moves on. The pianist has not seen this – he is still chatting with Mozart’s angels. Nor has he seen that there is an audience of two, one of whom, a talented violinist, is listening to him play with tears in her eyes.
     I remember a chapel which I once just happened to enter and saw a girl playing for God. But she was in a chapel, that made sense; in this case, nobody is listening, perhaps not even God.
     Lies. God is listening. God is in this man’s soul and hands, because he is giving the best of himself, regardless of any recognition or the money he received. He plays as if he were in the Scala in Milan or in the Opéra in Paris. He plays because this is his destiny, his joy, his reason for being.
     I am seized by a feeling of deep reverence. Respect for a man who at that moment is recalling a very important lesson: you have a personal legend to fulfill, period. It is of no matter if others support you, or criticize, ignore or tolerate you – you are doing that because that is your destiny on this earth, and the source of any joy.
     The pianist ends another piece by Mozart and for the first time notices our presence. He greets us with a well-mannered, discreet nod of the head, which we answer. But then he returns at once to his paradise, and it is best to leave him there untouched by anything in this world, not even our timid applause. He is setting an example for all of us. When we feel that no-one is paying attention to what we are doing, let us think about this pianist: he was conversing with God through his work, and the rest was not of the least importance.

what is your personal legend?

the mountain of myself

i stand within the mountain of myself,
shy eyes peering out, wondering if i'm lost.
it seems a magical world,
with butterflies and snow-throwing angels;

the gray soot that seeps into my conciousness
makes me think it is not so

let me take a very hot shower
in this very flowering spring-
perhaps these clogged up caves
in the nooks of my mountain will finally
relax and cease to be.

from the truth...

"from untruth lead us to the Truth, from darkness lead us to the Light, from death lead us to Immortality." For years I chanted this mantra without truly being aware of whom I was chanting it to. I love chanting, it feels good.

Something changed a couple of months ago. I started chanting to my heart. I decided to change the pitch of my chants until I could feel them resonating in my Heart chakra...and miracles started to happen. For the first time in my life, I felt detached from 'unhappy' or pain-causing situations. I felt like I was transcending the Maya that so many talk about. I was able to prepare and cleanse myself emotionally, mentally, physically to let go of all that which caused Cancer in this body and go through the needed physical process of surgery and recovery. I'll be honest with you, going through that was relatively easy compared to sifting through what I want out of a relationship. I find it interesting, and and incredible revelation. It is good to know one's weaknesses.

I tell you, once I noticed this, I decided to make a change and be strong for once. I am in control of my destiny, I am a co-creator with my Creator. There is nothing that limits me except myself. Even the so-called limitations of karma are nothing if one is truly committed to manifesting nothing but the Divine Light. How blessed was I to overcome cancer so easily, and be so protected? I don't like being told that 'you're living through your karma'. I'm not. I'm living through my LIGHT--karma is nothing compared to sincere constant seeking of manifestation of divinity. I'm here to tell you this loud and clear. Do not allow your circumstances to dictate who you are or what you'll be. Only your heart, the seat of your Divinity, has the authority to do so.

In Love,

OM TAT SAT

our destiny is to turn into light!

well said by Hafiz, who is my 2nd favorite poet. He was bumped down a notch by the unruly catholic saint Theresa of Avila. If you haven't please please read her poetry. I love her voice :)

This weekend I am venturing outside my small and protected world. I am going to Allaudin and Lila Flood's Dance Retreat...it will be a good experience, i'll get to absorb beautiful vibes. hopefully i'll become more interested in participating in the world, i feel like i've been in a mental lull that i should get out of. physically i feel really well...but mentally...hmmm. we'll see.

i want to be happy and free. i find it rather amazing that self discipline is the key to both for me.

blessed be.

*grin*

guess what? i'm running windows on my mac!!!! hahaha...hahahhahahah....it feels so good to one up my bros...i've suffered for over a year with their taunts of my inability to do some of the things they can...i've lived without the Sims...and some websites inability to support my lovely mac browser...i'm free!!! I love my Mac. :) Have a good day.

rrrrrr Netflix!!!

rrrrrrrrrr!!!! 2nd movie in a row I get from Netflix and its damaged. First one was Dummy (awesome), and now Pirates of the Caribbean!!! *sigh* I can't do much about it but feel frustrated and 'report the problem' to Netflix. I love Netflix, don't get me wrong, but 2 in a row? come on!!! quality control, people!

on a lighter, happier and more harmonious note, I received quite a few visitors today! Amos and Batinah drove up from Tampa, Steve was over as well as Laisha and Mary Jo! It was great. At first I was daunted, but I underestimated my friends. I love them so much and am so greatful for their nurturing hilarious prescences (?).

my brother carlos was sweet today, he took me out and we picked up Take Out from Ruby Tuesdays for my traditional meal: Oreo Chocolate Tallcake (eaten first), and Sonora Chicken Pasta. lol. I remember a couple of years ago I would drag him with me to share the meal. I randomly do that :) I love spending time with my brothers..sometimes there a little mouthy, but what the heck, they are super cute. (they look like me!)

i hope i catch some zzzs tonite...i've been eating dessert at night lately and am becoming suspicious of sugar's effect on my healing bod...

send me some zzz thoughts lovely beautiful light-full people in my great LIFE!

seriously though

DSCF2023
Originally uploaded by dharmashakti.

this is monica posing with me 5 days before my surgery at St Augustine beach. Notice the intensely sexy look in our faces :) we were doing our best impression of my grandmother, ultimate Queen of beauty and sexiness. A true role model for all the females out there. Irma is her name, and Divine Love is what she showers indiscriminately, fortunate for us. I'll look for a pic of hers to post...she truly outshines us all.

atoms and such

by: akemi

there is a tear
in the eye of perception
which looks longingly
at us happy Chaps.

"tsk, tsk, my dear," says Chap number one,
"there is nothing more perfect than
what you have now, and there is nothing
that you have now that isn't perfect."

"it's true!" I chime in. "look at me. The
plethora of surgeons in this life
have sliced meticulously here and there.
Nothing was taken away that wasn't in Mercy."

"Won't you see yourself as
I see you, my love?" says Chap number two.
"you are no tear! you are the culmination
of majestically directed hands creating
magic never even imagined
by that finicky, rainbow colored fairy land over
there."

a tear in perception is a blessing
in disguise, so well and meticulously
planned that it itself was taken by the play.

oh, won't you see the blessing with me?
it gets rather lonely at times, even with
the company of these friendly atoms,
those happy Chaps.

pictures

ake copy
Originally uploaded by dharmashakti.

after much thoughtful query throughout this, our world wide web, I have discovered an easy way to share pictures with y'all!!! whew. Now that i've done it I can sleep in peace :)

this is me being coy and flirty. enjoy.

after cancer

I feel better today. This past week has been sort of an emotional rollercoaster. not sort of-it has. I finally shared my troubles with my mami, after some resistance from my ego. What broke me down was my brother's cynical views on my situation: "you're screwed". lol. I couldn't end it on that note and had to seek more optimist views. I feel like I'm naturally a happy and optimistic person, and I get tired of being angry or sad very quickly. Thank God. Anyway, so I mostly go through cycles of being sad, upset for 1 day, the next day I get tired of it...become quite happy and fun for a few days, then I might start overthinking the situation that saddened me, and so on, until I work through it.

Its amazing that its been 3 weeks since my surgery to remove the tumor. I feel kind of lazy, like I should be doing more. I feel more ready to start my spiritual disciplines once again.

First task is to start waking up earlier...I'm compensating for that with falling asleep earlier :) Second task is to quit watching so much TV. Its rather boring and mostly leaves me feeling frustrated. Today I told myself I was not turning the TV on unless it was to watch the movies I've netflixed: What the bleep do we know!, Sex and Lucia, and Pirates of the Caribbean. I haven't felt like watching any of them since M left.

Last night I had a dream with Sathya and Ma. Esperanza...two very close spiritual friends who live in Venezuela. It was quite sweet. I had very real eye contact with Sathya...I felt very present in the moment, and it is quite clear in my mind right now. Ma. Esperanza and I shared an emotional hug...I miss her sweet smile. Happy Birthday, Beautiful!

dessert at john's

its 9pm and mom and monica and i just arrived at john and carol's. kelli is down from atlanta...i've missed her so. i'm excited because they have tons of desserts for me :)....seems to be my medication of choice, as i am not on pain meds. seriously though, everyone seems very concerned about pain, which i understand, but i cannot seem to convey the fact that its the fatigue that sucks.

i'm sad because monica is leaving tomorrow (probably) and she's been my constant and faithful companion. she never lets me get too serious, as is my nature. i tend to be grumpy and slightly emotional (right...) but her neverending sunshine brightens my day. i love you monica!

oh yes, while we're here. monica and i are depressed because we've just watched the latest episode of Smallville on the WB , where Alicia died!!!!! What a tragedy!!! Oh, we both just about burst into tears ( I did the first time I saw it). It really sucks because they really loved each other, and I'm just about fed up with Lana Lang. egh. I'm getting too excited about this, so I'll stop writing before I tear out my stitches.

I love you all, and have a good night!

crazy doings at 1 am

oy...hello world! I'm starting a blog! it's pink and its name is the Sunshine Chronicles. egh.

I've decided to contribute my mysterious powers of creation to the mystical world of the www. I can't help but want to spread a little sunshine in this seeminly dark world. If we could only see through our real eyes...

kissy, kissy. have a good night.