I am me.

I don’t know what to do but surrender. I’ve been depressed for a while now. My heart can’t take this separation. I’ve been thinking about breaking up with my lover for the last few days. I cry like I haven’t cried my whole life. I cry because I haven’t cried my whole life. I am so mad that he is not here to take care of me. I am upset because my best friends have to take care of me. They talk to me, and feed me, give me massages, dance with me, love me. But HE’s not here. And my heart shuts down. And i push him away, deep inside I push him away. I can’t look at his ring anymore. And it makes me sad. It makes me so sad because I am so crazy about him I can’t see straight. His eyes pierced into my soul the day we met and I’ve never been the same since. But I have to be able to live my life, and lately I haven’t felt like I’ve been living. It feels like I’ve been going through the motions of laughing, dancing, and crying. I’ve been going through the motions because I don’t feel truly alive until we’re making love. That push pull ecstasy that drives me to go deeper into me, into him. Into us. I make no sense to myself, and finally I accept it.

Yes, I’m crazy about my boyfriend. Yes I love him. Yes, he is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Yes I am a goddess. No, I don’t act like it. Yes I need space, I need to push him away. Yes, I need to define myself. Yes. Yes. Yes. I am me.