Fierce Compassion

I'm concerned with our current state of ignorance. I just watched a
great documentary, Born into Brothels, yesterday afternoon. It was
about children in Calcutta that had been born to prostitutes in the
Red Light District. An American Photographer traveled to take
pictures in that district and inevitably encountered the children, who
are everywhere. My mother walked in on the last half and was
surprised to see this, because she didn't know such things happened in
India. I'm also reading a book called "The Bond Between Women: A
Journey to Fierce Compassion" by China Galland. In the book the
author encounters women fighting child prostitution and slavery over
and over, despite her search towards understanding images of a fierce Divine Feminine like Kali and Tara. She quickly realized that this Divine Mother Warrior was manifesting in all of us, because our world is in danger.

I am convinced that we are in an age of action. The search for
spiritual 'englightenment' no longer precludes involvement in
'worldly' affairs. We don't have to be renunciants any more. No
more hiding out in the Himalayas, or in monasteries. The time for
action is now. It is the time to BE the message. Let us be living
embodiments of that which we desire of our Divinity, whatever it may
be. Do we want compassion? Let us be compassionate. Do we want
healing? Let us heal. Do we want guidance? Let us be wise.

Planning, thinking, feeling. Let us not become trapped in inaction.
I think it is frustrating for us to think about things over and over,
and wonder their results if we took action. However, I also believe
that we take comfort in not taking action. While we seethe and worry
we are secretly glad that we are not DOING, for then we would have a
huge responsibility. That of the result! I want to be brave. I want
to follow the murmurs of my heart, with its wonderful wisdom and
blooming enlightenment.

Today I am traveling the journey of Fierce Compassion.

Blessed be.

Time is not our master.

I awaken from a semi-deep sleep with a beautiful tree washed golden
with the light of the sun. It makes me smile, for I feel like the
tree. Washed lovingly with the Light of my Self, that Self that
manifests within and without.

There's a cool breeze here, and I'll be sure to bundle up as I walk to school.

My heart keeps smiling, despite my obsessive thoughts. It smiles AT my
obsessive thoughts. The thoughts slowly dissipate away. What wondrous
miracles we cultivate when we yearn for peace. I'm slowly learning to
relax within my self. It is difficult. But I will accomplish it,
slowly and surely, in my own time.

Thank God we HAVE time. It gives us a sense of urgency, a sense of
wanting to accomplish. Can you imagine living, just living, without
having any way to mark anniversaries, accomplishments, goals and
dreams? Time is a tool to be used wisely, and it is not to be our
Master. This will be my goal for the day.

Love and Blessings.

oh blessed life

My mind is clear, my voice is stronger, my mission palpable.

I can't write as much as I feel. The tools of my expression, while
not limited to touch, are more palpable if that sense is used.

Music is much more important to me thatn I realize, and I need to
focus my energies appropriately.

Allah Hu!!!! Ashqq drips from my tongue and Love lights up my Soul.

My hope and prayer is for Love, Light, Beauty and Harmony in every
human's heart.

For Peace.

I always forget

Some days I tend to get lost in the problems I think I have. A little
walk might give me a few minutes to stew, but I inevitably become
distracted by the bamboo at the house on the corner. Across the
street from that house is another with a beautiful Sunflower bush. I
then look up at the sky and smile. I'm so silly.

As I walk into my clinic, I start worrying again. Usually about what I
was worrying about before, and about what I'm going to be doing.

30 minutes later I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, doing
what I love to do.

I always forget, until I'm there to remember.

ShivaShakti

Sita once remarked, "In one form I am Sita. In another, I am Rama." In the tender chaos occurring in my being, I am realizing the concurrent manifestation of Shiva-Shakti, or Rama-Sita, Radha-Krishna, of Yin and Yang. Divine Mother is allowing every atom to stretch further than it ever has, for yin and yang to separate, so that I may realize its innate wholeness.

I weep. I laugh. I jump on my bed. Lay on the floor. Sing blissfully and dance in awakening. I sit quietly with nothing to say.

This morning I saw the Goddess manifesting in every woman. Her radiant Beauty, inner Strength and compassionate Manifestation swept across my vision. It may only have happened for 2 seconds, but I was so gratefully blessed with that Divine vision.

I worry about nonsensical possibilities. When I remember that, in moments like this one...I can't even think anymore.

This very moment the Sun shines on my skin. I hear the murmur of traffic, and the gentle song of our avian friends.

Gaze now, astonished lovers,
on the friends of supreme Love,
who manifest again and again
to purify and dissolve the world of limitation.
The very earth is trembling beneath the thunderous dance
of this Divine and human love.

Ramakrishna

I dream about Christmas

Dreams can be difficult. There are so many realms, concious,
unconcious, subconcious, superconcious...They can be garbage from our
day chewed on over again, or simple fantasies, or prophetic and
profound. Dreams can bring us the key to locks presented in 'real'
life.

To be honest, most of the time I simply can't tell.

Last night I dreamt it was Christmas again, and I didn't even realize
it. A whole year had passed and I had no clue! I remember my dad's
voice sternly saying "Akemi! You are silly. It's Christmas!"

Whatever that dream meant, I truly hope I enjoy every moment of this year.

The Meaning of Life

I believe this with all my heart.

In an 1890 sermon, clergyman Henry Drummond talks about our meeting
with the Creator. He says:

"At this moment, the great question of the human being will not be: "How have I lived?"

Rather, it will be: "How have I loved?"

The final test of every search is the dimension of our Love. What we have done, what we believe in and what we achieved, will not be taken into account.

None of that will be demanded of us, but rather our way of loving our fellow human. The errors we have committed will not even be remembered. We will not be judged by the bad we have done, but rather by the good that we have failed to do. Keeping Love locked up inside oneself is going against the spirit of God; it is proof that we have never known Him, that He has loved us in vain.

Rahman--On Compassion

I vividly felt a lack of compassion within myself yesterday. I really
was in complete apathy over someone who was possibly in pain because
of things I was not doing. Today I was on the phone with someone and
displayed no compassion at all over their suffering. I arrived at
this conclusion when I mentally went over my actions over the past day
to see if I have stayed within the boundaries dharma, or correct
action. While I had technically not commited any incorrect action, I
did fail to manifest one of the most revered Divine qualities known to
all realms.

How to work on this? Awareness. Today I made an effort with the
individual I failed to connect with yesterday. I will rectify my
mistake in the phone conversation tomorrow. I plan on chanting arab
wasifas (ya rahman) and following the example of Ascended Master Kwan
Yin.

I am working in a healing modality. It is vital to my development as a
human to become a fountain of Divine Compassion. I have certainly
experienced enough to know what it feels like.

I am not incompassionate with those I respect. Only people I perceive
as weak. It makes me sad to realize this, but happy that I have
realized it. Existence is a double-edged sword.

Only a heart with wings can fly!

Happy New Year, my friends.

I have no delineated resolutions per se, but I do have a general idea
of what I will endeavor to accomplish in the upcoming year.

I will continue to be aware of my mind. I feel its weight dragging on
my heart on a minute to minute basis. It is amazing to me, how
volatile and controlling it is. I am also grateful for the ability to
see these qualities of the mind.

I spent a wonderful evening last night with family and friends. I
participated in the Global Peace Dance facilitated by the Dances of
Universal Peace. My heart did fly. I saw old friends that I have not
seen in a while...and was able to share with them the love I have for
them.

I want to empty my heart out, and fill it up with gratefulness and
joy. I believe peace and equanimity are very important. That means
that I must be impartial to the ups and downs in my life. Again my
mind plays a vital role in that.

I want to take care of myself a little more. My body has worked hard.
It's gone through a lot. I'm so happy to be alive.

Blessed be.

a novel thought

I've been quite miserable for the past week. I've been miserable my
whole life, on and off. But the intensity of emotion experienced by
my body has been...beyond the norm. Quite a few experiences have come
to me at the same time. I feel like a nexus of energy....like a
potential Black Hole. I feel as if I'm imploding. I feel as if every
cell in my bodies (physical, mental, emotional, akashic/etheric) are
in a state of what the Chinese call "separation of yin and yang". It
feels as if I'm being pulled apart, and slowly regenerating a new
'body'.

I can only assume I am going through an identity crisis. It is time to
choose.

Do I identify with my mind, with it's penchant for creating my
present feeling based on what happened a week ago? a month ago? a year
ago? Do I identify with my emotional body, with it's inability to
break out of an emotional thought-form, incredibly difficult to
neutralize and elevate? Do I identify with my body, with it's
constant stresses, and physical manifestations of the miseries of my
mind and emotions?

A novel thought entered this brain: what if I stop?

My heart and mind stopped for a millisecond.

A tempting experience. I wanted more.

Just take a second with me here. What if I 'pretend' the past didn't
happen? What If I pretend that it was nothing more than a commercial
on a cosmic television. Those things didn't 'happen' to 'me'.

What if I exist in this very perfect moment free of the past? Free of
the future?

What if I just quit?

Oh, my Beloved Friend. That just might be too tempting for me to resist.

If I just quit. If I just quit. If I just quit, I would be free to
worship my Beloved. My beautiful, wonderful, sexy and ever expansive Beloved every second of my life.

Who could blame me? I don't think I'll be able to help myself. This
is just too delicious. Too delicious to forget.

state of Being

I've been trying something new. You know how there are a lot of
teachers out there who encourage the 'observe your mind', or 'stop
thinking' approach? Well they're totally right on, but I've found my
way of achieving that state. I become aware of the parts that compose
my Being on this plane. Not just my mind, that energetic center
somewhere above my nose and below my eyebrows. Not the body I feel
when I do Qi Kung or meditate. I allow my awareness to relax, sort of
like softly unfocusing my conciousness and sink into myself. I feel
myself as a tube all the way around my body, above and below. It feels
like there are cells, concious...breathing. They seem like centers of
energy that filter or manifest, depending on what's going on.

Yesterday I tried praying with my whole Being. That is, rather than
praying with my 'mind' and 'heart center', I directed all those
'cells' to say the prayer with me. To manifest that prayer. I have
never felt energy more strongly...more concretely.

I'm sure this is a bare glimpse of what we're capable of attaining,
but I am grateful for it. I am slowly becoming aware of my thought
patterns again...I start having conversations or arguments with loved
ones in my mind, get a headache or become uncomfortable. Then I
'unfocus', relax and sink into my Self.

Merry Christmas. May the Love Light always shine in your life.

Femininity

I have no doubt that the woman is, indeed, a superior species *grin*.
Sure, we are created equal, but we have pushed ourselves into a whole
new level of Being. Women are the true Lovers. They hold family
together. They make peace: with food, lovemaking, listening (really
listening), brainstorming, multitasking. childbearing.

Not all women are like this. I think that the desperate state of our
world has pushed some of us into 'survival mode'. We have become lean,
hungry, manipulative and desperate. Cold.

I used to feel like this. It is only within the past two years that I
have come into my femininity. I feel quite womanly. Soft. Loving.
Open. I feel like a peacemaker. I can stand up for myself and defend
my own when necessary.

My relationships have changed significantly during this time period. I
feel closer to everyone in my world. I feel closer to everything not
of this world.

I feel so human. Fragile and strong at the same time. I perceive that
the sensitivity that is my strength becomes my greatest weakness. I
find myself having a Dark Night of the Soul most nights. My soul weeps
and strains. I moan with grief, wondering why I incarnated, why I
should feel pain. Worry. Fear. Uncertainty. I wake up the next day,
smiling, happy that I can FEEL. I can BREATHE. LOVE, LIVE, LAUGH.

I remember my friends, the Trees. I receive a loving kiss from my
Lover the Sun. The grief retreats slowly, under the surface of my
mission. I'm starting to suspect it is necessary.

This grief is what propels me closer to my Beloved. It saturates every
level of my being. This constant yearning is probably saving my life.

my voice took flight

I used to be one of those girls who was jealous of other's singing
voices. My dad is a gospel singer, and listening to him sing "Amazing
Grace", or "I'll Fly Away" made my spirit yearn to break free and sing
that sweet melody with everything I had in me. At the time I was too
busy taking piano lessons to master only certain masterpieces that I
loved. That's another thing about me: I only learn what I want to
learn. Skip the theory, dammit, and teach me "Clair de Lune". I never
was one for wasting time. Now I realize that building a foundation
slowly and gently is just as valuable.

Interesting, isn't it? After my brush with death (what a pretty girl
she was), I desire to take things in, slowly, gently.I want every
cell in my body to experience the slow rush. I don't need to be hit
with a tsunami wave of experience like before. I believe the
difference is fear. I used to be frantically afraid. Now I'm just
normally anxious. And much less angry. I was so angry. So sharp.
Cunning, witty, and slightly manipulative. I wanted so very much to be
close to someone, and whenever it happened I would melt like
butter...with cinnamon on top. Needless to say, the closeless never
lasted long, as I did not attract the right companions because of my
anger and frantic fear.

Something happened. I started to sing. I started to sing along with
Shakira. In Spanish. That gave me a bit of freedom in my mind. My
mother gave me a priceless key to discovery one day when she shook her
head in frustration and emphasized "Akemi! Just be!" At first I didn't
know what the hell she was talking about. Just be? What the hell is
that? My friends soon caught on to the phrase. I felt like I was
being attacked from every angle.

I started to relax. My throat wasn't so tight anymore. My voice didn't
sound like a trapped four year old's. I took a break from analyzing
past and creating future for bits of time and enjoyed creation for a
few seconds a day. It progressed from there. I began listening and
participating in Sufi Dhikrs, devotional chants accompanied with body
movements. Everything tight in me began to melt. Slowly. Gracefully.
I let my mind go, and my body and spirit took over. My voice dropped
into my heart, my gut.

My voice took flight.

om poornamadah poornamidam

My body belongs to my Beloved.

The Lover in me shares, laughs, and gracefully detaches.

The secrets of the universe come to me in waves of grief.

Who is not to say that this perceived grief is indeed ecstatic union?
I endeavor to change my perception.

Concious Awareness allows me to transmute and transform energy
directed in unawareness to a Higher Truer form.

How I weep for you, my Friend. But let's keep that a secret, and
share our ecstatic life union with those unaware.

courage

Inana Lachma D'Hayy

You know what happens every time I get what I want? I have to deal
with some interesting consequences. I've learned to insert my
favorite caveat into prayers (I often feel like a lawyer) "but Thy
will be done and not mine, if this is not correct action, let it not
be." Even if to some I might be getting myself into trouble, and
possibly pain, the biggest part of my soul pushes me forward chanting
"LIVE." I could resist it, and I've done it many a time, but I just
don't want to anymore. I'm over stuffing myself away for fear's sake.

I am a coward when it comes to a few things, but I'm working on
courage. I'm working on using my faith, and my belief in my Self to
neutralize any negative emotion or thought to one of "I CAN because I
AM."

December 2004

I found this diary entry written December of last year, when I first
had the inkling of being seriously ill, but before I was formally
diagnosed with Cancer. This was the first realization of what I had
to work on in order to find health.

I'm realizing the fact that I've been shutting myself up since I was
very small, under 2 years old. My body is yelling at me right now.
Symptoms are popping up, right and left, constantly demanding
attention. The symptoms are serious enough that I actually pay
attention and have to follow through.

Even now, when I have something important to say to my father, I
hesitate. I new I had to tell him on Sunday, that I was hurt that he
didn't ask me to go to church, but I was frustrated, because once
again the same thing was happening, and I didn't tell him. I am
disappointed in myself. But I know that I have the strength to follow
through with what I know I need to do. I need to take care of myself
right now, because what I have been doing up to now has not been
giving me the best results.

I need to listen to my inner self, to that little girl, to those other
parts of me and give them the same voice. I need to love all parts of
me. And my family and those who are around me need to be introduced to
me.

a most usual rant

I pick the damnedest ways to keep my ego in check. I'm so frustrated
right now I don't even have words. All I can describe is this feeling
in my solar plexus, this weeping sadness in my heart, this tense pain
in my head.

Separation from God is painful, but easy. The struggle to return back
to my Beloved, that quest to reunite with my Self...Is filled with
exquisite moments of ecstasy and growls of pain.

Most of my pain stems from the fact that I have two contradictory
desires: mind and heart are at odds once again. I need to delve deep
into the well of myself so that I can once again emerge with a clear
goal.

Before that, I'm going to scream.

on power

I write this entry from Dancing Peacock Paradise, where I am on retreat this weekend.  I arrived here yesterday afternoon, and the weather was perfect. I trekked to a small campsite cradled by a leaning tree and could slightly see Beauty lake.

 

I wasn't intending to turn this into a night of practice. All of a sudden it was the reason I was here.  I like it when my angels trick me like that.

 

I came out of the night knowing one thing: I am still afraid of my own power. I'm afraid of the responsibility it will bring. I'm even more afraid of  how it will take me further away from people around me. While I will be more unified to the One in the whole, I will be more separate in 'mind' conciousness of lives around me. Or so I think. I'm still taking baby steps. I don't have to do it all at once. I don't have to do anything. I laugh as I read what I just wrote.

 

I don't have to. I just really, really want to.

 

Blessed be.

i'm scared.

My heart feels very tentative today. I'm afraid of rejection, to a
certain degree. The fear is not impeding me from offering part of
myself, but it certainly is making the process uncomfortable. I'm not
sure that I'm to do anything about it, other than notice it and
continue to try to perform correct action as much as I can.

I do notice myself doing one thing: every time a wave of fear washes
over me I allow myself to release it, much as a wave recedes back into
the ocean. This way it only has a temporary grip on my senses, and it
will surely return from whence it came.

o happy day

May all the good you have done this year make its way into our Lord's altar.

Thank you for being here, for sharing love, life, and yes, pain.
Thank you for being one of my many teachers. Thank you for being my
friend. My lover. My mirror.

Suryaaya Svaha, Suryaaya Idam Na Mama.
Prayaapatayee Svaha, Prayaapatayee Idam Na Mama