my voice took flight

I used to be one of those girls who was jealous of other's singing
voices. My dad is a gospel singer, and listening to him sing "Amazing
Grace", or "I'll Fly Away" made my spirit yearn to break free and sing
that sweet melody with everything I had in me. At the time I was too
busy taking piano lessons to master only certain masterpieces that I
loved. That's another thing about me: I only learn what I want to
learn. Skip the theory, dammit, and teach me "Clair de Lune". I never
was one for wasting time. Now I realize that building a foundation
slowly and gently is just as valuable.

Interesting, isn't it? After my brush with death (what a pretty girl
she was), I desire to take things in, slowly, gently.I want every
cell in my body to experience the slow rush. I don't need to be hit
with a tsunami wave of experience like before. I believe the
difference is fear. I used to be frantically afraid. Now I'm just
normally anxious. And much less angry. I was so angry. So sharp.
Cunning, witty, and slightly manipulative. I wanted so very much to be
close to someone, and whenever it happened I would melt like
butter...with cinnamon on top. Needless to say, the closeless never
lasted long, as I did not attract the right companions because of my
anger and frantic fear.

Something happened. I started to sing. I started to sing along with
Shakira. In Spanish. That gave me a bit of freedom in my mind. My
mother gave me a priceless key to discovery one day when she shook her
head in frustration and emphasized "Akemi! Just be!" At first I didn't
know what the hell she was talking about. Just be? What the hell is
that? My friends soon caught on to the phrase. I felt like I was
being attacked from every angle.

I started to relax. My throat wasn't so tight anymore. My voice didn't
sound like a trapped four year old's. I took a break from analyzing
past and creating future for bits of time and enjoyed creation for a
few seconds a day. It progressed from there. I began listening and
participating in Sufi Dhikrs, devotional chants accompanied with body
movements. Everything tight in me began to melt. Slowly. Gracefully.
I let my mind go, and my body and spirit took over. My voice dropped
into my heart, my gut.

My voice took flight.