I have to admit: I'm a little scared. I had my appointment with the oncologist today, just for a follow up visit reccomended by my surgeon. I really haven't given it that much thought...I believed I'd just go in and come out the same. Sometimes I wonder if i've learned much from life.
my blood count is up :) it could stand to be higher, but eggs and herbs will take care of that ;D however, last he saw, 1 tumor marker was still kind of high and there is another test he wants to run. I also have to have a CT scan to make sure I'm all clear. I guess i just got nervous because he started to talk about our options, with chemo, and the chance of me losing my fertility for a couple of years. it's just scary to contemplate. I mean, i've been gifted with sight of my reason for embodiment, and am eternally grateful for it. I know anything i have on top of fulfilling that is just icing on the cake: every time i fall in love, every friend i cuddle with, every laugh i wryly coax out of my mother...all those are just gifts. i know i'm not here to be married and have children, although that in itself is a very high mission indeed. but somehow, the possibility of that being taken away is very challenging for me. i wasn't expecting another test so quickly, but my Beloved is impetuous and spontaneous like me.
i asked myself if it was a child that i wanted so much, would i bear one in the next two years, given the choice? no. that's not what i'm to do with the time at hand...merging is my goal, Beloved.
still, there is something about not being able to...
Lord bless me and protect me. Amen.
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