I feel like i'm going crazy

I feel like I'm going crazy. I've been so peaceful and effortlessly detached from relationships at a human level--I know that sounds crazy to some of you, but that's not the crazy part. It has been very good for me, and has allowed me to go through the past few months, all very challenging for me. I see that it has also helped those surrounding me live through the seeming nightmare of cancer and surgery. But now, tonight...for two hours I've felt an intense desire to merge...to delve, to sink, to melt into my Other.

This beautiful mirror that came into my life has been good to me, and for me. However, I really can honestly say that I have not felt attached to this Other and I've been proud of myself for that--I'm evolving! in a good way! So when this intense feeling overcame me, I asked myself what I really wanted from this merge. I began to explore these feelings in my head, and found no satisfaction. I reminded myself of my previous conclusion that emotional Love was really dissatisfying for me..what I seek is experiencing Divine Love. I want to experience Love! In every level-as much as I can, for as long as I can. Why should I worry about mundane things? Should I focus on book knowledge and practicalities when the opportunity to experience Divinity is standing in front of me, trembling and excited, like a mermaid that's just discovered a rainbow? I don't know...I mean, I do know, but I don't. That's the crazy part.

I know what I want, a very real part of me does...and I seek and pray for illumination so that it becomes a firm reality in my exterior conciousness, because this not knowing is just plenty annoying, dude. I feel like screaming because I WANT TO MERGE! I want to be ONE in my Heart, in my Soul, in the deepest part of the Ocean that I know exists somewhere inside of me.

Here I was whining because I couldn't write poems as deliciously tortured and ecstatic as Kabir, St Theresa, Hafiz or Rumi. Boy, I gotta be careful what I wish for.

I want to merge with You, Other. It aches, like an ecstatic sadness that courses through my body with currents drunk on sweet wine. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Blessed Be.