a novel thought

I've been quite miserable for the past week. I've been miserable my
whole life, on and off. But the intensity of emotion experienced by
my body has been...beyond the norm. Quite a few experiences have come
to me at the same time. I feel like a nexus of energy....like a
potential Black Hole. I feel as if I'm imploding. I feel as if every
cell in my bodies (physical, mental, emotional, akashic/etheric) are
in a state of what the Chinese call "separation of yin and yang". It
feels as if I'm being pulled apart, and slowly regenerating a new
'body'.

I can only assume I am going through an identity crisis. It is time to
choose.

Do I identify with my mind, with it's penchant for creating my
present feeling based on what happened a week ago? a month ago? a year
ago? Do I identify with my emotional body, with it's inability to
break out of an emotional thought-form, incredibly difficult to
neutralize and elevate? Do I identify with my body, with it's
constant stresses, and physical manifestations of the miseries of my
mind and emotions?

A novel thought entered this brain: what if I stop?

My heart and mind stopped for a millisecond.

A tempting experience. I wanted more.

Just take a second with me here. What if I 'pretend' the past didn't
happen? What If I pretend that it was nothing more than a commercial
on a cosmic television. Those things didn't 'happen' to 'me'.

What if I exist in this very perfect moment free of the past? Free of
the future?

What if I just quit?

Oh, my Beloved Friend. That just might be too tempting for me to resist.

If I just quit. If I just quit. If I just quit, I would be free to
worship my Beloved. My beautiful, wonderful, sexy and ever expansive Beloved every second of my life.

Who could blame me? I don't think I'll be able to help myself. This
is just too delicious. Too delicious to forget.

state of Being

I've been trying something new. You know how there are a lot of
teachers out there who encourage the 'observe your mind', or 'stop
thinking' approach? Well they're totally right on, but I've found my
way of achieving that state. I become aware of the parts that compose
my Being on this plane. Not just my mind, that energetic center
somewhere above my nose and below my eyebrows. Not the body I feel
when I do Qi Kung or meditate. I allow my awareness to relax, sort of
like softly unfocusing my conciousness and sink into myself. I feel
myself as a tube all the way around my body, above and below. It feels
like there are cells, concious...breathing. They seem like centers of
energy that filter or manifest, depending on what's going on.

Yesterday I tried praying with my whole Being. That is, rather than
praying with my 'mind' and 'heart center', I directed all those
'cells' to say the prayer with me. To manifest that prayer. I have
never felt energy more strongly...more concretely.

I'm sure this is a bare glimpse of what we're capable of attaining,
but I am grateful for it. I am slowly becoming aware of my thought
patterns again...I start having conversations or arguments with loved
ones in my mind, get a headache or become uncomfortable. Then I
'unfocus', relax and sink into my Self.

Merry Christmas. May the Love Light always shine in your life.

Femininity

I have no doubt that the woman is, indeed, a superior species *grin*.
Sure, we are created equal, but we have pushed ourselves into a whole
new level of Being. Women are the true Lovers. They hold family
together. They make peace: with food, lovemaking, listening (really
listening), brainstorming, multitasking. childbearing.

Not all women are like this. I think that the desperate state of our
world has pushed some of us into 'survival mode'. We have become lean,
hungry, manipulative and desperate. Cold.

I used to feel like this. It is only within the past two years that I
have come into my femininity. I feel quite womanly. Soft. Loving.
Open. I feel like a peacemaker. I can stand up for myself and defend
my own when necessary.

My relationships have changed significantly during this time period. I
feel closer to everyone in my world. I feel closer to everything not
of this world.

I feel so human. Fragile and strong at the same time. I perceive that
the sensitivity that is my strength becomes my greatest weakness. I
find myself having a Dark Night of the Soul most nights. My soul weeps
and strains. I moan with grief, wondering why I incarnated, why I
should feel pain. Worry. Fear. Uncertainty. I wake up the next day,
smiling, happy that I can FEEL. I can BREATHE. LOVE, LIVE, LAUGH.

I remember my friends, the Trees. I receive a loving kiss from my
Lover the Sun. The grief retreats slowly, under the surface of my
mission. I'm starting to suspect it is necessary.

This grief is what propels me closer to my Beloved. It saturates every
level of my being. This constant yearning is probably saving my life.

my voice took flight

I used to be one of those girls who was jealous of other's singing
voices. My dad is a gospel singer, and listening to him sing "Amazing
Grace", or "I'll Fly Away" made my spirit yearn to break free and sing
that sweet melody with everything I had in me. At the time I was too
busy taking piano lessons to master only certain masterpieces that I
loved. That's another thing about me: I only learn what I want to
learn. Skip the theory, dammit, and teach me "Clair de Lune". I never
was one for wasting time. Now I realize that building a foundation
slowly and gently is just as valuable.

Interesting, isn't it? After my brush with death (what a pretty girl
she was), I desire to take things in, slowly, gently.I want every
cell in my body to experience the slow rush. I don't need to be hit
with a tsunami wave of experience like before. I believe the
difference is fear. I used to be frantically afraid. Now I'm just
normally anxious. And much less angry. I was so angry. So sharp.
Cunning, witty, and slightly manipulative. I wanted so very much to be
close to someone, and whenever it happened I would melt like
butter...with cinnamon on top. Needless to say, the closeless never
lasted long, as I did not attract the right companions because of my
anger and frantic fear.

Something happened. I started to sing. I started to sing along with
Shakira. In Spanish. That gave me a bit of freedom in my mind. My
mother gave me a priceless key to discovery one day when she shook her
head in frustration and emphasized "Akemi! Just be!" At first I didn't
know what the hell she was talking about. Just be? What the hell is
that? My friends soon caught on to the phrase. I felt like I was
being attacked from every angle.

I started to relax. My throat wasn't so tight anymore. My voice didn't
sound like a trapped four year old's. I took a break from analyzing
past and creating future for bits of time and enjoyed creation for a
few seconds a day. It progressed from there. I began listening and
participating in Sufi Dhikrs, devotional chants accompanied with body
movements. Everything tight in me began to melt. Slowly. Gracefully.
I let my mind go, and my body and spirit took over. My voice dropped
into my heart, my gut.

My voice took flight.

om poornamadah poornamidam

My body belongs to my Beloved.

The Lover in me shares, laughs, and gracefully detaches.

The secrets of the universe come to me in waves of grief.

Who is not to say that this perceived grief is indeed ecstatic union?
I endeavor to change my perception.

Concious Awareness allows me to transmute and transform energy
directed in unawareness to a Higher Truer form.

How I weep for you, my Friend. But let's keep that a secret, and
share our ecstatic life union with those unaware.

courage

Inana Lachma D'Hayy

You know what happens every time I get what I want? I have to deal
with some interesting consequences. I've learned to insert my
favorite caveat into prayers (I often feel like a lawyer) "but Thy
will be done and not mine, if this is not correct action, let it not
be." Even if to some I might be getting myself into trouble, and
possibly pain, the biggest part of my soul pushes me forward chanting
"LIVE." I could resist it, and I've done it many a time, but I just
don't want to anymore. I'm over stuffing myself away for fear's sake.

I am a coward when it comes to a few things, but I'm working on
courage. I'm working on using my faith, and my belief in my Self to
neutralize any negative emotion or thought to one of "I CAN because I
AM."

December 2004

I found this diary entry written December of last year, when I first
had the inkling of being seriously ill, but before I was formally
diagnosed with Cancer. This was the first realization of what I had
to work on in order to find health.

I'm realizing the fact that I've been shutting myself up since I was
very small, under 2 years old. My body is yelling at me right now.
Symptoms are popping up, right and left, constantly demanding
attention. The symptoms are serious enough that I actually pay
attention and have to follow through.

Even now, when I have something important to say to my father, I
hesitate. I new I had to tell him on Sunday, that I was hurt that he
didn't ask me to go to church, but I was frustrated, because once
again the same thing was happening, and I didn't tell him. I am
disappointed in myself. But I know that I have the strength to follow
through with what I know I need to do. I need to take care of myself
right now, because what I have been doing up to now has not been
giving me the best results.

I need to listen to my inner self, to that little girl, to those other
parts of me and give them the same voice. I need to love all parts of
me. And my family and those who are around me need to be introduced to
me.

a most usual rant

I pick the damnedest ways to keep my ego in check. I'm so frustrated
right now I don't even have words. All I can describe is this feeling
in my solar plexus, this weeping sadness in my heart, this tense pain
in my head.

Separation from God is painful, but easy. The struggle to return back
to my Beloved, that quest to reunite with my Self...Is filled with
exquisite moments of ecstasy and growls of pain.

Most of my pain stems from the fact that I have two contradictory
desires: mind and heart are at odds once again. I need to delve deep
into the well of myself so that I can once again emerge with a clear
goal.

Before that, I'm going to scream.

on power

I write this entry from Dancing Peacock Paradise, where I am on retreat this weekend.  I arrived here yesterday afternoon, and the weather was perfect. I trekked to a small campsite cradled by a leaning tree and could slightly see Beauty lake.

 

I wasn't intending to turn this into a night of practice. All of a sudden it was the reason I was here.  I like it when my angels trick me like that.

 

I came out of the night knowing one thing: I am still afraid of my own power. I'm afraid of the responsibility it will bring. I'm even more afraid of  how it will take me further away from people around me. While I will be more unified to the One in the whole, I will be more separate in 'mind' conciousness of lives around me. Or so I think. I'm still taking baby steps. I don't have to do it all at once. I don't have to do anything. I laugh as I read what I just wrote.

 

I don't have to. I just really, really want to.

 

Blessed be.

i'm scared.

My heart feels very tentative today. I'm afraid of rejection, to a
certain degree. The fear is not impeding me from offering part of
myself, but it certainly is making the process uncomfortable. I'm not
sure that I'm to do anything about it, other than notice it and
continue to try to perform correct action as much as I can.

I do notice myself doing one thing: every time a wave of fear washes
over me I allow myself to release it, much as a wave recedes back into
the ocean. This way it only has a temporary grip on my senses, and it
will surely return from whence it came.

o happy day

May all the good you have done this year make its way into our Lord's altar.

Thank you for being here, for sharing love, life, and yes, pain.
Thank you for being one of my many teachers. Thank you for being my
friend. My lover. My mirror.

Suryaaya Svaha, Suryaaya Idam Na Mama.
Prayaapatayee Svaha, Prayaapatayee Idam Na Mama

truth

Whenever Truth is spoken, whether by chant, song, action, or kiss,
every cell in my being stands at attention. DNA dances as it unwinds
and releases long-lost secrets of my conciousness. Meanwhile, my
beautiful angel stands gleefully next to me, and smiles.

heaven

I've been in heaven for another year.

My voice is slowly becoming my own. My eye is focusing, ever so lightly, on that which my Beloved desires: Me.

Thank you God for what my immature mind calls the Good. Thank you God for what this young, unapprenticed body calls misery. Thank you God, for what the unbridled spirit unburdened by judgment calls Haqq: the manifestation of nothing other than life.

What's mine is Thine to do Thy will. I pray for more than that sometimes, but I know that you know that I don't really mean it.

Your love kisses my fresh face morning, noon & eve. The flowers that grow under your direction twinkle and gaze at the wondrous beauty you place before them.

All this talk of kissing makes me hungry for you, my heart. Come to me & let's set spark to a whole new universe, one never been seen by creature nor man. Come lie with me, full moon or not, and set my eyes to fire and skin to ashes. Feel the taste of my soft and silky kisses that will surely melt you as mocha chocolate cake melts me.

I write these things for eyes like my own. I wonder whose they will be.

thanks be

I looked in the mirror today and realized I was still alive. It was a wonderful moment, one that lasted a few seconds and every single one was incredibly delicious. Like a chocolate covered papaya. yum.

I get to see trees every day, and the sunlight twinkling through their leaves. I get to serve other beings. I wake up in a beautiful home, eat wonderful food, and spend time with my favorite people. I listen to great music and dance. I stretch out in my comfortable bed and enjoy the scratchy comfort of my sheets.

mmmmm...I get to french kiss a mocha chocolate cake, and watch great movies under a warm blanket.

I love this life, and I'm grateful for it.

allah hu

I’m slowly surrendering to an overwhelming fatigue. With it comes a feeling of confusion and uncertainty about my Self’s journey right now. I don’t like it. However, it somehow seems a necessary part of my true life’s mission: Growth. I believe we live our life in cycles. This is the downward turn before a flip upward.

Underneath it all I am still certain of the Universe’s all encompassing Love and Compassion. I am certain of the Truth of our unique Selves. I am certain that Light will always, always shine the way.


Om. Sahanau Bhavatu, Sahanau Bhunaaktu, Saha Veeryam Keravavahai
Tejasvina Vadita Mastu Mavhid Visha Vahaii.
Om Shanti. Shanti. Shanti.

give us this day

Hawvlân lachma d'sûnkanân jaomâna. This is part of the Lord’s Prayer in Aramaic. A recent translation reads: Grant us what we need each day in bread and insight. This is my prayer for the day.

Give me wisdom. Give me sight. Give me the kindness and compassion I need to love my brothers and sisters as they are loved by You.

Amen.

not mine.

God’s will be done, not mine. New opportunities are expanding into my universe, and along with these opportunities comes a beautiful gift of empowerment: choice. As the reluctant messiah of Richard Bach’s Illusions emphasizes: “You. Can do. Whatever. You. Want. To do.”

Am I chickening out by constantly chanting the first line of this entry? Am I giving up my power? It may seem like it at first, but deciding to surrender to the ultimate Lover is as much as choice as deciding to follow physical desire.

Don’t get me wrong, I do make decisions. I say that I want certain things in my life, and tend to get them. But:

In my heart of hearts, my one true desire is my Lover’s.

happy as....hell?

Ok. so I don't get that saying but I'm as happy as...a flower being kissed by the sun and lovingly supported by angels whispering "grow. grow."

I have a home! My own home. My very own home. Amazing how such a material object can create opportunities for spiritual growth.

I'm becoming more amazed at the absolute mysteriousness and indeed, mischiveousness of this Earth we inhabit. The colors are so bright. I perceive a smile behind every breeze...

What do you say, Love?

SMILE!

Gratitude

One expects love, success, good weather, true friendships, good jobs and so on. If one begins to practice gratitude, one’s every moment will feel like and actually will be a blessing.
-The Brotherhood of Orion

News Flash

Today I found out that the National Certification of Acupuncture Commission is sponsoring a program called Acupuncturists Without Borders, specifically created to aid hurricane katrina's affected, both refugees and aid personnel. I got goosebumps as I saw the flyer in my College's Administration Office. Of course, as I am a senior student and not licensed I'm guessing I cannot rush over there and start treating people, but it has been my dream to do something like Doctors Without Borders upon graduation. Who knows, perhaps I can go down there and assist acupuncturists.

Life is, as always, crazy right now, except it's crazy in a more material way. I am looking to rent a house 2 blocks away from my school and I am so excited. I am praying for the perfect roommates, solid, loving, grounded, spiritual people who are meant to share part of my journey. God's Will be done. The great thing is, that we could have club meetings, student government meetings, happy hour (featuring cake!) and group naps right across the street from school! I am so excited. I know, I've said that a few times, but I can't help but be excited at the myriad of experiences life in a dense body provides us.

I truly feel that we are spiritual beings learning to live a physical life. How else could we experience fear and grace? How could we learn compassion, truly, unless we, too, have lived through the discomfort of a physical world? In our true home, the realm of Ultimate Being, there is no fear. No Discomfort. No pain. No Hopelessness. There is only Light. And out of that light shines an everlasting Love that reaches every dimension that ever was and ever will be.

Until we meet again,

May the prescence of God be upon you.