avoidance

In class today we were ruminating over knowing when a patient has "worked through" issues or traumas in their lives. What we were really wondering was, if a person is telling us their history, and something we think was horrible happened, and they don't show much reaction or what you think is the appropriate reaction, how do you know whether the person has moved on or if they've repressed it?

The main consensus was avoidance. If you ask a person, "what is the most horrible thing that ever happened to you? or, is there anything in your life you would change?", and there is nothing, but you know their child died, then there might be something there.

This entire exchange made me realize just how many of my painful memories I've avoided these many years. I understand and respect my mind and body for preserving me by not forcing them on me, because now I feel like I'm strong enough and clear enough to start working through them. I am now allowing myself to feel the sadness and grief. And oh, Lord, there is so much sadness. I think my saddest memory is of my brother's kidnapping, and not knowing if I would ever see him again. If I would ever see his sweet little face, with those deep eyes and quiet soul. He was my partner when I was young, my companion. There was no stress in our relationship (only when he beheaded all my barbies), it was fun. The point is, I've never allowed myself to feel that fear, that sadness.

Now I realize the only way to lose my fear of losing him is by feeling it.

Thank God that the Angels believe in me. I don't know if I can do this without them.