so life is beautiful. so what?

what are you going to do about it?

angels on demand

you know how we have those 'payperview', 'movies on demand' channels where you can call in and see what you want to see? Get what you want when you want? I've realized angels are like that too. We just have to get out of our own way. In my last blog, I surrendered to the fact that any solution my mind would come up with for my situation would always leave some doubt. After all, my goal is not to satisfy mind-full pleasures, but my spirit's evolution as well.

Surrendering was the best way I could ever help myself. Living in the present is the best way I could help myself. I'm happy, and grateful, for all that I have. If I tune in carefully, I can hear the twinkling tones of the loving energy of those who support my journey. Divine music accompanies my travels.

Things are coming along with my family. I'm glad. I have a job, possibly a place to live. Everything I ever asked for is appearing before me. Man, am I ever glad I got out of my own way.

Hallelujah!

tribes

I've decided I'm a member of an unknown tribe. I'm withdrawing my membership to the various tribes I've been born into and tried to make myself a part of. I've only just realized that I've been meant NOT to fit in. My whole life I've been trying to, and it's been killing my spirit and manifesting in my body. I'm plugging my circuits (life force) into this tribe, because this tribe I will support and I know that they sure as heck support me. Most of my tribe don't realize i've made them part of it or at least they don't say so openly. It doesn't matter, because that's how I see them. When I'm around them I feel electrified, excited, ALIVE. I feel like they're looking into my Spirit to measure who I am and how I'm doing, not my body, my clothes, or my actions. We're all connected in this very subtle but powerful level that I've realized has satisfied my need to be loved and part of something greater than myself.

I've been reading on the basic human need to worship the sacred in a group. It doesn't matter how or what. I've found my sacred worship tribe as well. I am well again. I don't look at the world with the same eyes I used to, Beloved! These perceptions I've fed over the years...they've led me to this moment, but from now on I'm taking the reins and becoming a CONCIOUS BEING, one aware of what's behind my eyes and how it affects what is in front of them.

I want to talk about self-worth. You see, I used to measure it (and I still do to a degree-I'm working on it), on how successful I appear: do I look good/attractive? do I receive praise from those I respect and admire? am I financially independent? do people/friends look to me for an opinion, or advice? am I able to take care of myself and fulfill the needs of my family, whether I think I should or not?

well, guess what. Henceforth I shall only measure self-worth by one standard: am I fulfilling my Heart's desire? In other words, instead of having my brain find all instances when I've felt good (because I looked good), and bad (because I didn't do what I think I was supposed to do) and see which one outweighs the other, I now think: "My life is my message. I am fulfilling my Destiny every moment of every day. Every breath I take is purposeful, is grateful, is loving and I am empowered to make choices."

In other words:

"I AM Free."

help me. please.

Things are shifting again. My body is adjusting to new lessons learned via acquired awareness. I’m aware of how many useless thoughts and beliefs I feed with my life force. For example: “I’m young, I should be sexual. No. Sexuality is bad. Dangerous. Reproduce. Be a good wife. Don’t do that. Find yourself. Make a career. Become self-sufficient. Provide for your family. Find a husband that will provide for you. Be completely unique, but at the same time be like everyone else. You should be taller. Short is cute. The UN is useless. Love any effort towards unification. Protect yourself. Provide for yourself. Depend on yourself. Be ambitious. Be successful. Be driven. Look good. Feel guilty for being part of a country that’s bombing innocent people. Support our soldiers.” AHHHHHHHHHHH.

Silent tears course through my heart as I search for my core. My hands shake as I write this, as I am tempted to despair. There is so much work to be done, and as much as I want to help others, I can do nothing unless I help myself. I can do nothing unless I am a fountain of Peace, Hope, Love, Understanding, Strength, Faith, and Victory. It is difficult to heal myself, Beloved. Why can’t I just work on everyone else?

I laugh as I write this because I KNOW that everything outside of me is a reflection of what’s inside of me.

Lord, be my guide. Be my everything. I surrender to you.

Help me. Please.

avoidance

In class today we were ruminating over knowing when a patient has "worked through" issues or traumas in their lives. What we were really wondering was, if a person is telling us their history, and something we think was horrible happened, and they don't show much reaction or what you think is the appropriate reaction, how do you know whether the person has moved on or if they've repressed it?

The main consensus was avoidance. If you ask a person, "what is the most horrible thing that ever happened to you? or, is there anything in your life you would change?", and there is nothing, but you know their child died, then there might be something there.

This entire exchange made me realize just how many of my painful memories I've avoided these many years. I understand and respect my mind and body for preserving me by not forcing them on me, because now I feel like I'm strong enough and clear enough to start working through them. I am now allowing myself to feel the sadness and grief. And oh, Lord, there is so much sadness. I think my saddest memory is of my brother's kidnapping, and not knowing if I would ever see him again. If I would ever see his sweet little face, with those deep eyes and quiet soul. He was my partner when I was young, my companion. There was no stress in our relationship (only when he beheaded all my barbies), it was fun. The point is, I've never allowed myself to feel that fear, that sadness.

Now I realize the only way to lose my fear of losing him is by feeling it.

Thank God that the Angels believe in me. I don't know if I can do this without them.

transforming anger into peace

Honesty is hard. Especially when hurting someone is the last thing your heart wants to do. I found myself balking at talking to my mother about moving out, because I was afraid of her disapproval. I was also afraid of hurting her feelings. I finally spoke to her today, and although my fears were not unfounded, I feel much better in my relationship with her. I know, and she knows, that I have matured and will not make hasty decisions. I don't plan on striking out on my own until I have solidified and cleansed my relationship with my family to a level I'm comfortable with. If I don't, the whole pattern would just repeat itself when I start my own family. This is not compatible with my goal of spiritual evolution.

My brother is starting high school next fall. I walked through his campus today, and saw those 15 year old girls wearing short shorts and knee pads (for volleyball tryouts). If I was half the person then that I am today...well...It's hard not to look back and see what I would have done differently. I cannot expect a fifteen year old to have the maturity of a 23 year old.

This summer I'm focusing on my family relationships. There is much forgiveness and rebuilding to be done. I'm realizing how many emotions I've suppressed my entire life.

Last night I began an exercise: I recalled interactions with people in my life that made me feel anger, pain, frustration or any such negative emotion. Instead of suppressing that energy and focusing myself in prayer, I conciously jumped on the wave of that emotion and through my heart transformed it into peace. I was chanting 'shanti, shanti, shanti' in my heart. What ended up happening is that I felt energy come at me from the individual, passed through my heart and became transformed into loving peace, and returned to the other person. It was an amazing experience, but difficult to stay in. I realize that it will take a lot of concentration, energy, and internal silence. It was very powerful. I felt the power at a physical level.

I realized that I'll always be a hypocritical warrior for peace if I don't work through any negative memory and emotion I have towards any being. I want to live the words I write. I don't want my life to be half-assed. It's time to fly.

Letter from my Best Friend

I have written a submission essay for a scholarship. The topic was "a letter you would have liked to receive from your best friend during your illness." This is what my best friend read to me.

Beloved One of my Soul:

I understand that it may come as a shock to you that your body is, in essence, destroying itself. There is Life inside of you that dictates nothing so beautiful should be destroyed, and the conflict between the two must bring you torment.

Throughout my Existence, I have discovered various secrets not known by most who walk upon this uncherished planet. It would be my honor, and a privilege, to share this knowledge with one who is ready to transform.

I have been watching you for some time now, and have seen enough to know that you are ready. Every cell in your body calls out for change, transformation, and evolution. I see how every morning you awake and see trees dance and laugh in the wind. I see how your Heart secretly yearns to do the same. It is time.

This knowledge I give you should not be taken lightly, for within it are clues that will guide you to that which you seek. Do not just read these words, but be these words. I see in your Heart that you wish for your life to be your message to all those who experience you. Manifest that innermost wish with dignity and honor.

First: always remember that every experience you have is an opportunity to fulfill your destiny. There is no need to wait for anything or anyone. I know what you’re thinking, Beautiful One. “What is my destiny?” As the ancient mystics of the Middle East were fond of saying, “If I told you the Truth about God, you would laugh.” I hope you’ll laugh joyously at the beautiful complexity of creation. Your destiny is to be yourself. Make this your life’s work, and you will find that there is no better way to assist your every brother and sister.

Second: every life created is as precious as That which created it. Therefore every life deserves the opportunity to experience the truest aspect of their being. This is the only way to properly honor all life. I know you see injustice daily, and it weighs heavy on your soul. The best way to combat injustice is to look at the world with untarnished eyes. By this I mean that by looking at every individual that crosses your path as the brilliantly unique and wondrous creature that they are, you empower them to become that creature.

This leads me to the next secret: you are forever free in your life. No being on creation can take away your choice. As humans bombarded daily by negativity from sunrise to sunset, it is easy to forget this. It is also easy to give this precious gift up. It takes tremendous courage to own this gift, because not only are you fighting your own battered self-esteem, you are fighting the opinions of countless around you who have lost the heart vision of beauty and self.

Fourth: there are endless universes waiting to be created inside of you. Every human has the ability to see the world in a different way, and all will benefit from each unique vision. Think about it, have you not been empowered and inspired by all those who dared to voice and pursue their own inner vision? Is there not something liberating in just looking at an individual who dares to be unique? You can see it in their eyes, their carriage; you can hear it in their laughter. There are endless universes waiting to be created inside of you, Akemi. Live without fear. Dive in.

Don’t limit yourself. You have the capability to excel in whatever you wish. Dance freely, laugh wildly, write poems from sunrise to sunset, and sing to the crescent moon. Cry as the mystics cried; in fact, listen to their sacred voices by reading the words they have left behind. St. Theresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, Rumi, Hafiz, Mirabai, Rabia, Tukkaram—all of these wild and loving poets dance about in your heart. Allow them to guide you, inspire you, support you.
Sometimes you wonder how you’ll achieve all you’re meant to. How will you achieve emotional, intellectual, physical and financial maturity? Sister, the entire Universe conspires to protect you and provide for you. Trust that the Life that flows in, through, and around you will attract all that you need, simply because you’re allowing that Life of your Spirit to freely flow.

These things I tell you are shared in Love, and Trust. Share these words will all who cross your path, for you are meant to share all of yourself with the world around you. Use this experience as an opportunity to develop your qualities of Gracefulness, Mercy, Compassion, Strength, Faith and Ultimate Love. It may seem odd, but those around you need your abilities to channel these qualities. They need you, all of who you are.

I will leave you with a last loving thought: honor the life you have been given by living it.

Sealed in Trust, Faith and Truth,

The Beloved

A person freed

I have awakened once again from Life's journey. These past two weeks have been beautiful, incredible, Divine. I am once more transformed into a reflection of my Heart's Desire.

What would you say if I told you that I am Free? I received a message last eve, from those close to my Heart: "Spread your wings. It is time to fly." As soon as I read those words I broke down and cried like I have never allowed myself to. No single experience in this life allowed me to relase myself like those simple words.

In truth I search only Freedom. I search the Freedom to be nothing but who I AM. There is a wild and loving Spirit inside of me. A Spirit that dreams fantastic dreams, and sees the world in the light in which it was created.

However, my path to Freedom is a difficult one, as are all paths to our hearts. Sometimes the mirror in front of me is a bit tarnished, and the image I see is distorted, and I become lost in perception. Every once in a while Grace is afforded me and a brilliant and shining reality is restored in every aspect of my being. I want to share this with you. With all of you. There are so many of you out there that I love so very very much, and I want to share all aspects of Light with, yet am afraid of that tarnished image the old mirror provides. From now on I vow to live in Truth and Freedom.

Beloved, I have been freed. Are you ready for my love?

HeartMessage

I AM a messenger of Divine Will. Beloved of my Heart, Let my life be the message.

This past Friday a beloved friend gave me a most precious gift: a labradorite pendant and earrings. The pendant has a silver Messenger Angel plate over the stone. The second it touched my body my whole reality shifted. This past couple of weeks have been rather intense, and I've had difficulty processing my lessons and walking forward. I've asked for help. My third chakra has felt especially tight/out of balance and I've asked my Beloved for healing Light and counsel.

I am protected and provided for by the receptive power of the Universe.


Gratefulness for this wonderful Earth Mother blossoms in my heart, for she so gracefully supplies my every need.

---

I find myself definitely more connected to my inner Beauty, to that Divine Goddess that whispers enticingly. Her eyes are dark, mysterious and mischiveous. There are gold and silver bangles flashing from her arms, and delicate bells that joyously sing as she dances to the Universe Song. She is courage, grace, clarity, strength and suppleness. She is me.

I leave you with an inspiring message breathing in my Heart from Sri Sathya Sai Baba:

Love is my form, truth is my breath, bliss is my food
My life is my message, expansion is my life
No reason for love, no season for love, no birth, no death .

a little bit of history

I have gained an incredible amount of respect for my body. It has truly served me well, and has diverted enormous pain and suffering quietly into itself, without my spirit having a daily experience of it.

Certain blocked memories are becoming known to me. About two weeks ago I had a very disturbing dream, in which I was being sexually abused by a prominent childhood figure. That morning I woke up not feeling anything emotionally (other than mild disbelief), and slowly began to retreat emotionally from those closest to me.

Two trusted, loved, and intuitive companions questioned me about sexual abuse within a few days of each other. I began seriously asking myself, since messages from my Beloved tend to come in threes. I figured I better pay attention.

After some self reflection, I've realized that the sexual abuse did occur. Perhaps by more than one childhood figure. It seems a knowledge imprinted on my cells, even as my mind struggles to realize this.

Whatever the outcome of this I've learned a powerful lesson already:

Truth is the Freedom I've wept and yearned for over a period of 22 years. I'm slowly gaining the courage to own every part of myself. I have no shame, and no need for it; I am a warrior. I'm still the same Akemi that loves the sunshine caressing dancing leaves, the same Akemi whose eyes shine at the possibility of realized Love.

I respect all of my experiences, and work towards realizing them as great and loving lessons given me so that I may fulfill that which is DIVINE.

I hold in my heart part of a poem written by Rabia, a female Islamic saint and prominent Sufi figure:

It Acts Like Love

My body is covered with wounds
this world made,

but I still longed to kiss Him, even when God said,

"Could you also kiss the hand that caused
each scar,

for you will not find me until
you do."