Healed.

I just received word from a dear beautiful soul who happens to be a patient of mine. Her spirit is healed from cancer.

For those of you who have not had cancer, this might be a difficult concept to comprehend.

As an ovarian cancer survivor, I know first hand how deeply rooted cancer is in the mind and the spirit. My spirit and mind suffered for years before my diagnosis. I wasn't miserable, in the sense that I was functional, active and pretty successful in my studies and jobs, but there was no deep sense of joy, of fulfilling my purpose and serving that which is good.

Every few months I would suddenly weep with an aching loneliness, a feeling of isolation, that I was cut off from something important. I would later discover that it was me I was feeling cut off from. The beautiful, true part of me. I had faith and a wonderful relationship with the cosmos (Christ, Buddha, God, the Holy Spirit, you name it), but yet I felt adrift.

I know I'm getting mystical on some of you, but c'est la vie, and c'est moi.

After treatment, which included a grueling five hour surgery and lots of lovely CT scans as follow up, I followed alternative medicine protocols to heal my immune system to prevent a recurrence (an event I was told was very likely within the next two years - thanks, Doc, for that seed.)

While I made great strides with my immune system, I went through some deep emotional and spiritual cleansing. I had to look at the ugly, putrid parts of me that I was still identifying with and that were preventing me from being joyous and enjoying the life that I was gifted with, and deserving of.

For those two years, every time I went for a CT scan, I would suffer anxiety attacks. Part of me knew I was better, but another part, a deep part still suffered and was fearful of a recurrence. The cancer was still a part of me - not manifesting symptomatically, but hovering, waiting.

After several dark nights of the soul , I felt my self awaken. My identity shifted from one who had been ill, and could still be, to a woman with much love, laughter, and healing to provide to those who wish it.

This is why I understand my sweet patient so well, and why my soul is brimming with joyous laughter, and happy tears, because she is healed.

PS: all of the cancer sores have steadily disappeared from her skin. Woohoo!

The sticker on my door

I have stickers on the doors of my treatment rooms. This initially occurred quite by accident.

I gave one of my favorite patients, a cute 7 year old, a sticker that proudly proclaimed him to be 'built tough.' He ran around with it for a few minutes and then ran back and stuck it on the outside of the room for me to see.

One day, while feeling particularly introspective, I wondered what I got out of being a doctor.

Why do I do what I do?

Money? Well, sure, I guess. Enough to pay the bills and enjoy good food and trips like Costa Rica...but that's not why. I could go back to work at Nationwide for that.

Prestige? Uh--no. Not in this society anyway. I'm mostly labeled as a quack, although that is changing.

Hmm.

I remembered then that the most powerful moment in my career as a doctor occurred while I was taking a patient's pulse. This woman was in her 50s and she had a prickly personality and a tough-looking exterior. I had completed the consultation and was performing the pulse examination. As I opened my heart to really feel what was happening in her pulse I glanced into her eyes and felt...LOVE.

Sheer, overwhelming love for this soul, this being who was here, in front of me, wanting help. I was sitting there, in my little chair, literally feeling her heart beat and perceiving the nuances of each wave; each vibration stroking my fingertips and giving me information that I could use to ease her pain.

That's why.

How could I forget? Easy. Running around, finding charts, paying bills, overseeing staff, making sure we have dinner - did the dog poop? No? Gotta walk him for sure...

I came up with a method to remember with the help of my mentors.

I placed a sticker on my other office door (this one heart shaped proclaiming 'My Doctor Loves Me.')

Now, as I prepare to walk into the treatment room, I stop for a second and glance at my sticker.

Heart opens, love pours out, all day long.

The best therapy in the world. I've never felt happier.

Lucky me, huh?

The twinkle in my eye

It's been almost five years since I needed to share my heart with the world at large.

Since I learned to smile from the heart (see last post) I have:

• Become a doctor of chinese medicine and roam around sticking needles in people
• NOT had cancer (yay!)
• Opened up a successful Wellness Center full of lovely people we've been able to help
• Married my half orange (read: soul mate, best husband ever, super Sifu and the love of my life)
• Decided to become a mother.

Yep. You read that right. I officially have a twinkle in my eye. Some of you might think it's a scratch on my glasses (yes, there is a HUGE scratch - more about this later), but there is a twinkle behind it. I call this twinkle Ming Mei.

Now, my husband has issue with Ming Mei's name, namely (heh) because Ming Mei just happens to be my name (Akemi, which is Japanese) in Chinese.

Confused? Read on.

In spite of the fact that I am Venezuelan by birth, that I have a Japanese name, and that I practice Chinese Medicine, I want to name my child after...ME!

You might call me egotistical (and some of you undoubtedly will, those of you who know me well, at least), but it actually runs in the family. See, my Abuela Irma (mom's mami) named my mother after herself. Unfortunately, my own mami is not fond of her name. She goes by the very cool name Coromoto. But call her Corito.

Fortunately, I love my name! And I love the Chinese version just as well.

I will probably get outwitted by my zen master husband, but until then, and hopefully until Ming Mei is born (sometime in late 2012), she is stuck with her pretty name.

A different kind of smile

My body experienced actual happiness for the first time yesterday. I’ve since been quick to cry.

While practicing in my Chi Kung class, as I stood flowingly still and smiled from the heart I felt a strange warm sensation spread over the trunk of my body. I realized it was joy. My body was smiling! The sensation I experience in my Heart when it smiles has now spread to other vital organs.

This brings up all sorts of questions like:

Has my body never been happy before?

Is this what a healthy body should feel like?

I came to a new level of realization about my constant worry and anxiety. I know that I’m generally anxious, but now I have something to compare it to. Boy, what a difference.

I experienced a smiling body for about 10 seconds. It was long enough to change my life.

why fear?

There is no need or place for fear in my life. I am understanding more and more that the fear I feel and the consequent physical symptoms are simply a manifestation of uncertainty in my being.

Failing Forward

I found out this morning that I failed 2 portions of the board examinations for acupuncture. The best part? It was the 2 easiest portions. At least, I thought they were at the time. You’ll have to excuse me, as I’m still in a bit of shock.
There are 2 predominant trains of thought in my mind right now:

1. AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
2. Hmm. Interesting. Thy will be done, not mine. What is it that You want me to do, Beloved? Why this wake up call?

I’m going to take care of train of thought number one in Kung Fu tonight. As my boyfriend drove me home this morning I was making a momentous effort not to let my emotions overtake me and I could feel my neck tighten. It is an old feeling. I used to repress so much emotion. My whole right upper back is aching now. Isn’t it amazing how quickly it happens? Even though I’m conscious of this pattern, it is still occurring. However, because of my consciousness, and my will, it is not overtaking me. I am not stuck in this mode, I am slowly and consciously moving beyond it. It will take some effort, as tears stream into my eyes now and frustration courses through me. It’s okay.

I know who I am, and what I am here to do. I realize sometimes the universe will do what it needs to in order to keep the timing correct. It’s not time for me to start practicing right now. Perhaps I need to be working on the foundation of my practice, rather than jump straight into it. Perhaps I need to take a break, and rest, and finish healing and take the time I never took after last year’s surgery. Perhaps I need to enjoy my life, and live it, and not worry so much about finances and security. Perhaps I should have more Faith, and visualize and manifest that which is the will of my Highest Self, the I AM.

I call upon the wisdom and strength of my highest Self. I call upon my guides, ascended and unascended, angels, masters and prophets. Help me clarify my vision, and strengthen this body. Prepare me for that which I came here to do. Amyn.

Old Poems

I was cleaning my room (a rare occurrence indeed), and fell upon an old journal from 2003-2004. I read through several of my poems, little mystical things they are, and decided to share. Here's one from April 2004.

Must it be more clear
my dear One?

after talking to you I float away
on a cloud of God's Fire into
a tropical rainforest
where the waters fall
and my fairies dance.