Sunshine Chronicles

Healed.

2011-03-31T15:24:00.004-04:00

I just received word from a dear beautiful soul who happens to be a patient of mine. Her spirit is healed from cancer.

For those of you who have not had cancer, this might be a difficult concept to comprehend.

As an ovarian cancer survivor, I know first hand how deeply rooted cancer is in the mind and the spirit. My spirit and mind suffered for years before my diagnosis. I wasn't miserable, in the sense that I was functional, active and pretty successful in my studies and jobs, but there was no deep sense of joy, of fulfilling my purpose and serving that which is good.

Every few months I would suddenly weep with an aching loneliness, a feeling of isolation, that I was cut off from something important. I would later discover that it was me I was feeling cut off from. The beautiful, true part of me. I had faith and a wonderful relationship with the cosmos (Christ, Buddha, God, the Holy Spirit, you name it), but yet I felt adrift.

I know I'm getting mystical on some of you, but c'est la vie, and c'est moi.

After treatment, which included a grueling five hour surgery and lots of lovely CT scans as follow up, I followed alternative medicine protocols to heal my immune system to prevent a recurrence (an event I was told was very likely within the next two years - thanks, Doc, for that seed.)

While I made great strides with my immune system, I went through some deep emotional and spiritual cleansing. I had to look at the ugly, putrid parts of me that I was still identifying with and that were preventing me from being joyous and enjoying the life that I was gifted with, and deserving of.

For those two years, every time I went for a CT scan, I would suffer anxiety attacks. Part of me knew I was better, but another part, a deep part still suffered and was fearful of a recurrence. The cancer was still a part of me - not manifesting symptomatically, but hovering, waiting.

After several dark nights of the soul , I felt my self awaken. My identity shifted from one who had been ill, and could still be, to a woman with much love, laughter, and healing to provide to those who wish it.

This is why I understand my sweet patient so well, and why my soul is brimming with joyous laughter, and happy tears, because she is healed.

PS: all of the cancer sores have steadily disappeared from her skin. Woohoo!

The sticker on my door

2011-03-24T19:12:00.004-04:00

I have stickers on the doors of my treatment rooms. This initially occurred quite by accident.

I gave one of my favorite patients, a cute 7 year old, a sticker that proudly proclaimed him to be 'built tough.' He ran around with it for a few minutes and then ran back and stuck it on the outside of the room for me to see.

One day, while feeling particularly introspective, I wondered what I got out of being a doctor.

Why do I do what I do?

Money? Well, sure, I guess. Enough to pay the bills and enjoy good food and trips like Costa Rica...but that's not why. I could go back to work at Nationwide for that.

Prestige? Uh--no. Not in this society anyway. I'm mostly labeled as a quack, although that is changing.

Hmm.

I remembered then that the most powerful moment in my career as a doctor occurred while I was taking a patient's pulse. This woman was in her 50s and she had a prickly personality and a tough-looking exterior. I had completed the consultation and was performing the pulse examination. As I opened my heart to really feel what was happening in her pulse I glanced into her eyes and felt...LOVE.

Sheer, overwhelming love for this soul, this being who was here, in front of me, wanting help. I was sitting there, in my little chair, literally feeling her heart beat and perceiving the nuances of each wave; each vibration stroking my fingertips and giving me information that I could use to ease her pain.

That's why.

How could I forget? Easy. Running around, finding charts, paying bills, overseeing staff, making sure we have dinner - did the dog poop? No? Gotta walk him for sure...

I came up with a method to remember with the help of my mentors.

I placed a sticker on my other office door (this one heart shaped proclaiming 'My Doctor Loves Me.')

Now, as I prepare to walk into the treatment room, I stop for a second and glance at my sticker.

Heart opens, love pours out, all day long.

The best therapy in the world. I've never felt happier.

Lucky me, huh?

The twinkle in my eye

2011-03-23T10:22:00.003-04:00

It's been almost five years since I needed to share my heart with the world at large.

Since I learned to smile from the heart (see last post) I have:

Become a doctor of chinese medicine and roam around sticking needles in people
NOT had cancer (yay!)
Opened up a successful Wellness Center full of lovely people we've been able to help
Married my half orange (read: soul mate, best husband ever, super Sifu and the love of my life)
Decided to become a mother.

Yep. You read that right. I officially have a twinkle in my eye. Some of you might think it's a scratch on my glasses (yes, there is a HUGE scratch - more about this later), but there is a twinkle behind it. I call this twinkle Ming Mei.

Now, my husband has issue with Ming Mei's name, namely (heh) because Ming Mei just happens to be my name (Akemi, which is Japanese) in Chinese.

Confused? Read on.

In spite of the fact that I am Venezuelan by birth, that I have a Japanese name, and that I practice Chinese Medicine, I want to name my child after...ME!

You might call me egotistical (and some of you undoubtedly will, those of you who know me well, at least), but it actually runs in the family. See, my Abuela Irma (mom's mami) named my mother after herself. Unfortunately, my own mami is not fond of her name. She goes by the very cool name Coromoto. But call her Corito.

Fortunately, I love my name! And I love the Chinese version just as well.

I will probably get outwitted by my zen master husband, but until then, and hopefully until Ming Mei is born (sometime in late 2012), she is stuck with her pretty name.

A different kind of smile

2006-08-14T16:57:00.000-04:00

My body experienced actual happiness for the first time yesterday. I’ve since been quick to cry.

While practicing in my Chi Kung class, as I stood flowingly still and smiled from the heart I felt a strange warm sensation spread over the trunk of my body. I realized it was joy. My body was smiling! The sensation I experience in my Heart when it smiles has now spread to other vital organs.

This brings up all sorts of questions like:

Has my body never been happy before?

Is this what a healthy body should feel like?

I came to a new level of realization about my constant worry and anxiety. I know that I’m generally anxious, but now I have something to compare it to. Boy, what a difference.

I experienced a smiling body for about 10 seconds. It was long enough to change my life.

why fear?

2006-07-28T22:30:00.000-04:00

There is no need or place for fear in my life. I am understanding more and more that the fear I feel and the consequent physical symptoms are simply a manifestation of uncertainty in my being.

Failing Forward

2006-07-18T10:50:00.000-04:00

I found out this morning that I failed 2 portions of the board examinations for acupuncture. The best part? It was the 2 easiest portions. At least, I thought they were at the time. You’ll have to excuse me, as I’m still in a bit of shock.
There are 2 predominant trains of thought in my mind right now:

1. AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
2. Hmm. Interesting. Thy will be done, not mine. What is it that You want me to do, Beloved? Why this wake up call?

I’m going to take care of train of thought number one in Kung Fu tonight. As my boyfriend drove me home this morning I was making a momentous effort not to let my emotions overtake me and I could feel my neck tighten. It is an old feeling. I used to repress so much emotion. My whole right upper back is aching now. Isn’t it amazing how quickly it happens? Even though I’m conscious of this pattern, it is still occurring. However, because of my consciousness, and my will, it is not overtaking me. I am not stuck in this mode, I am slowly and consciously moving beyond it. It will take some effort, as tears stream into my eyes now and frustration courses through me. It’s okay.

I know who I am, and what I am here to do. I realize sometimes the universe will do what it needs to in order to keep the timing correct. It’s not time for me to start practicing right now. Perhaps I need to be working on the foundation of my practice, rather than jump straight into it. Perhaps I need to take a break, and rest, and finish healing and take the time I never took after last year’s surgery. Perhaps I need to enjoy my life, and live it, and not worry so much about finances and security. Perhaps I should have more Faith, and visualize and manifest that which is the will of my Highest Self, the I AM.

I call upon the wisdom and strength of my highest Self. I call upon my guides, ascended and unascended, angels, masters and prophets. Help me clarify my vision, and strengthen this body. Prepare me for that which I came here to do. Amyn.

Old Poems

2006-07-01T17:12:00.000-04:00

I was cleaning my room (a rare occurrence indeed), and fell upon an old journal from 2003-2004. I read through several of my poems, little mystical things they are, and decided to share. Here's one from April 2004.

Must it be more clear
my dear One?

after talking to you I float away
on a cloud of God's Fire into
a tropical rainforest
where the waters fall
and my fairies dance.

Now I have to think

2006-06-29T12:04:00.000-04:00

I slept for another 11 hours last night. It felt great. It feels like I could sleep more. I will this weekend, if I can. Rose and Maga are coming (cousin and aunt from venezuela), a rare treat. I feel like it’s a graduation gift.

It was suggested to me that I should be polishing up my critical thinking skills...which I actually realize I have plenty of. I just don’t use them very often. Looking at stuff online, it’s like starting to work out again. It makes my eyes tired. But I remember loving logic and algebra, once I understood it. It was fun. I will definitely do it again. I do want to learn and practice chess. An activity I can share with my brothers and friends. I think it will help my self esteem. I won’t feel so helpless when I have to think. I do remember way back in college History class, and I had to write essays I was quite good at doing them critically. I’m also good at debate, and the UN forum required a lot of critical thinking skills along with emotional feeling. So I know I can be very well balanced and strong. This critical thinking will help me get where I need to go, and be less dependent on my emotions, and will probably help me get control of my mind a little more.

I’m getting REALLY hungry so as much as I want to stay here and write, and learn about thinking (I realize I mostly daydream my thoughts) I need some fuel for thought.

ps: This is the site I'm looking at to remember how to play Chess. It's hilarious. Check it out.

Thank you friends

2006-06-26T12:00:00.000-04:00

I have my whole life ahead of me. My last relationship made me realize how quick I am to hand my life over to another person.”Sure! I’ll be with you and plan my life along with yours.” I do this without a true foundation. I need to respect myself better than that. I AM respecting myself better than that. I am worth it. For the first time I am allowing myself to feel the appreciation and love of those who surround me. I am not doubting myself...this is starting to feel like a hallmark commercial, but it is groundbreaking for me.

Is the outside world truly a reflection of what is going on inside us? I’ve been experiencing the results of this experiment. I hope I allow myself to stay this way, and not revert back to the old way of being. This is a very critical point in my life, in my career. I can be proud of myself, and my family and friends. At this point, with everything that has been going on at school and home, I can truly see character in those surrounding me.

Thank you, friends.

Barely Logical

2006-06-21T09:26:00.000-04:00

This is from astro.com, an astrology website, which gives information on the signs. The following is what it had to say about the sagittarius woman.

Never assume that all explorers, mountain-climbers and world travellers are male Sagittarians. The true female Centaur is as restless, as hungry for experience, as eager to explore the fascinating carnival of life as her male counterpart. This woman needs personal freedom to an extraordinary degree, and she's not famous either for her readiness to commit herself or for her enthusiasm about domestic responsibilities. She may be happier spending a lifetime without either. She's as likely to have a child out of wedlock and happily raise it as a travelling companion as she is to ensconce herself behind secure walls.

I DO need freedom to an extraordinary degree. Why do I always forget that? Why do I convince myself that I need to be the perpetual half of a couple. That I need to be dependent on my partner for my happiness? I see in my memory visions of my mother sobbing, chasing my father, begging him not to leave us. I remember her throwing up and making herself sick over it. I remember having to go after them. I remember going to the drugstore to get her Valerian Root, to try and get her to rest. Eh, I feel uncomfortable and scared right now. Is that the way I want to be? NO. The truth is I got mixed messages when I was growing up. I remember everyone, my mother included, telling me to do whatever I wanted to do, go wherever I wanted to go. I was FREE. Except my main role model wasn’t. She attached herself to both relationships she’s been in: my father and my stepfather, and I guess either didn’t think she could make it on her own, or thought it would be better for her children to have the male in their lives. I won’t pretend to know what the right answer was, but I feel that conflict inside me. I am Akemi, beautiful, strong, Akemi. I can do whatever I want. However, in the past, he second I found a potential partner, a part of me latched on, fearful of them leaving. While in the relationship I get scared, and uncomfortable. Then we break up, and I feel good, and free. I just need to realize:
I NEED PERSONAL FREEDOM TO AN EXTRAORDINARY DEGREE. IT IS SIMPLY PART OF WHO I AM. NO SHAME ABOUT IT! JUST ENJOY MY FREEDOM.

Don't try to possess her. And don't tell her to do something. Ask. Nicely. The dramatic exit and the slammed door aren't just for effect. She probably already bought her flight tickets weeks before. Sagittarian women need to communicate, and they need to be listened to. If you're after the quiet, docile type, forget it. Many Sagittarian women are great talkers. Some go on too long and become bores. But more likely she'll be fascinating and inspiring. She's a conversational animal who needs an interested, communicative partner. Most important, she needs to be in love. Without a belief in love, her spirit will wilt.

I love the first line of that paragraph. It is so true. Unfortunately it took my mom about 18-19 years to figure that out. Once she did that, I generally had no problem doing whatever it was she wanted me to do. Generally other’s people drama doesn’t impress me, it just causes a lot of eye-rolling and muttering about immaturity and being annoyed. My drama however, is a truly important expression of feelings. Ha.

She also has a strong sense of fun and humour. Tact may not be in abundant supply. Don't expect diplomatic flattery. More likely she'll deliver a verbal punch between the eyes, not because she's cruel, but because she has a tendency to speak before she thinks and doesn't register in time that you've collapsed on the floor. She's usually right, too, which can be infuriating. She may not be strong on logic, but her sharp intuition sees right through posturing and hypocrisy.

I have noticed this part of myself with some close friends of mine, and family. I do feel myself be a little mean. Especially when I haven’t eaten anything recently. Thankfully some of my friends realize this and start to feed me. The logic thing....totally true. I’m not the most logical person on the planet, not even close. I’m barely logical at times. I strongly dislike posturing and hypocrisy. DO NOT do this around me because I’ll just get really annoyed. I’ll try not to be mean, though. Good luck.

The Sagittarius woman is in love with life itself. Life is to be lived, not nailed down, and although she's likely to take quite a few romantic knocks (not least because her independence and craving for freedom may drive away a few frightened partners), she never loses her faith in the future. This woman is an optimist, and a believer in life's fundamental goodness and meaning. Sagittarian faith is infectious. But unlike most infectious things, it isn't harmful. Quite the opposite: it enriches life.

This last paragraph fits me to a T. Can’t say anything more. I Love Life! Love it! All parts of it. The easy parts, the hard parts, the highs, the lows, the ins and outs. Dances and fights, making love and working hard. Everything. Why? I’m alive. That’s enough reason for me.

growing up

2006-06-20T14:35:00.000-04:00

My friends are truly the rock of my life. They are the manifestation of the Divine Energy in my world, because they have helped me on my journey, and managed to remind me that I am beautiful, strong, and special. These past few weeks have been very difficulty for me, but I feel myself coming out of my shell. Energy is moving in my life again. Things are happening, and I am making things happen. I feel more like a woman than I ever have, and I am noticed and appreciated. It feels good.

I’ve also been exercising more than I have in years over the past week. I should make Kung Fu and Salsa exercise video.

I’m noticing that my communication with myself has reached a whole new level of sophistication since my Communications Class. I feel the ‘Child’ whining, and being upset inside of me, and automatically, the Adult soothes the Child, and allows it to feel heard. It also takes command of the situation. By golly, the princess is growing up. Finally.

In the light

2006-06-17T21:28:00.000-04:00

I called laura today about possibly being roommates with her and tamara and they were both very open to it, which I am very excited about. They are a little older than me, wiser and sweet like cherry pie. I think we would have a blast and be a perfect match for the dude ranch.

I feel good. I just finished practicing kung fu. The past few weeks I've practiced twice a week, and already I can tell a difference in my strength and flexibility. I also have more endurance, which is very encouraging. I'm going to start practicing in the morning to take advantage of kung fu's ability to build Qi, which I definitely need. I need more qi to go up into my head and give me more clarity of thought. Right now I feel like I'm in a bit of a fog, have felt that way for a while. This will change, I'm sure, with my graduation and more diligent practice as well as regular herb intake.

I plan on working on the cruise ship from late november to march. this will be a high season for me, and I will create financial prosperity for myself, learn how to build a practice and make important contacts for love and life and business. I will continue to be a great friend and be supportive of those close to me. no jealousy, threat or competition between us. only love and caring, and JOY most of all. I choose to live in the light. breathe in the light. be in the light. laugh love and support in the light.

Intuitive Self

2006-06-16T22:35:00.000-04:00

For the first time since I was a young child I feel my intuition and I am allowing myself to flow with it. For years I have often felt discomfort at my solar plexus, and anxiety along with it. I didn’t understand the burning feeling I often had in my gut. I now understand that I have been resisting my intuitive powers since very young, because I used my power and was disappointed with the result. Today I have chosen to be fully connected with myself, and follow my intuition, that wonderful gift that we have been given. A woman should never be without her intuition. I feel the power surge up inside of me and rather than resist it I allow myself to flow with it. I allow myself to feel my power. I feel strong. Clearer than I ever have. I see my patterns more clearly, and am able to deflect harmful thought habits.

Right now I am beginning a journey deeper into myself. I am resolved to see it through. I am so excited at the possibilities of life as myself, for the sake of my sanity and happiness. Who knew that my happiness would be so valuable to the world? For by living in happiness I create an energetic force field that strengthens those who also desire that in their lives. How fabulous. I love it. I love you.

Blessed be

A Gleaming Future

2006-06-10T00:03:00.000-04:00

Life is good. I feel so much better. I have some clarity. I am calm. I am going to be okay. I know it. I am loved.

Today I allowed myself to feel the wholeness of my heart, around my scared vulnerable scars, and it felt so good and beautiful.

I am excited about my relationships. I am excited to get to know myself, and to just be with my boyfriend. The future is gleaming, tendrils of rainbow colored light warming my saddened soul. Difficulties are many, but miracles cannot be counted.

Hmm, Love. In my life, many miracles have already occurred. I see a few peeking just around the corner.

I am me.

2006-06-05T00:20:00.000-04:00

I don’t know what to do but surrender. I’ve been depressed for a while now. My heart can’t take this separation. I’ve been thinking about breaking up with my lover for the last few days. I cry like I haven’t cried my whole life. I cry because I haven’t cried my whole life. I am so mad that he is not here to take care of me. I am upset because my best friends have to take care of me. They talk to me, and feed me, give me massages, dance with me, love me. But HE’s not here. And my heart shuts down. And i push him away, deep inside I push him away. I can’t look at his ring anymore. And it makes me sad. It makes me so sad because I am so crazy about him I can’t see straight. His eyes pierced into my soul the day we met and I’ve never been the same since. But I have to be able to live my life, and lately I haven’t felt like I’ve been living. It feels like I’ve been going through the motions of laughing, dancing, and crying. I’ve been going through the motions because I don’t feel truly alive until we’re making love. That push pull ecstasy that drives me to go deeper into me, into him. Into us. I make no sense to myself, and finally I accept it.

Yes, I’m crazy about my boyfriend. Yes I love him. Yes, he is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Yes I am a goddess. No, I don’t act like it. Yes I need space, I need to push him away. Yes, I need to define myself. Yes. Yes. Yes. I am me.

I feel better

2006-06-03T17:42:00.000-04:00

I feel so much better now. I've been listening to Eckhart Tolle's "Even The Sun Will Die", and his voice is the only thing that keeps my mind focused when I'm studying. It feels like his voice and presence evoke the same mental emotional and physical responses that a good Qikung session will. How fabulous for me, because I was feeling rather hopeless about the whole thing (studying). Mind jumping here and there. But now, I surrender to this. Yes. My mindset is simply yes. yesss. yesssssss......i feel it in my heart, and the constant contraction of stress and nervous tension suddenly relaxes and in an evoked moment of freedom. Finally. It has been weeks. and finally I surrender. Yes.

Blessed be.

rambles

2006-06-02T23:40:00.000-04:00

So I sit here, loving myself, or trying to. tears simmering in my tired old eyes. we have a meeting tonight, about the hours drama with clinic. I am so tired. I am so tired of this I cannot even tell you, princess....but I ask for divine light, assistance. I ask for help. Now I take the help lovingly offered me by my guides, those seen and unseen beings with whom I have an inviolable relationship. Thank you guides. I love you.

I need to take a break. I need to focus on my life and my career. This is taking to much of my energy. i mean, give me a break. my head says: we need to stop with this. we need to focus on our relationship. and stop worrying about ourselves. huh. i didn’t realize that’s what i wrote. I’m tired. I’m sick and tired.
I have to go. I have to move on. i have to rest.

No Reason

2006-05-11T13:52:00.000-04:00

I've been impressively calm since about 7:45 last night. I had a
little breakdown, I was sad at my patient's depression and
overwhelming fatigue. It just hurt so badly. He is such a beautiful
person.

Now today I am once again nervous. scattered. painfully concious of my
mental insanity. Ha. Do the insane notice their insanity? I don't
know. I'm in a communications class in school, and we are practicing
'noticing.' This is what I notice about myself.

My eyes tend to tear up for no reason that I am concious of. I just
randomly get so sad.
My chest flutters and it feels unstable. I feel like I can't breathe
properly even though I am taking even breaths.
I feel uncomfortable in my chest.
My neck hurts.

I love the green leaves of trees. Of plants in my home. They are a sign of LIFE.
I am alive. I am alive, oh Lord thank you for your bounty. I am so
glad I am here even with my petty fears and uncertain insecutiries,
this mismatch of supreme self-confidence and annihilated self-image.

To quote a song from the Birmingham Sunlights:

"Help me on my journey, help me on my way,
please, please, please, Lord help me,
you're the only Friend I have."

Lord, Help me on my Journey.

Fierce Compassion

2006-03-30T10:23:00.000-05:00

I'm concerned with our current state of ignorance. I just watched a
great documentary, Born into Brothels, yesterday afternoon. It was
about children in Calcutta that had been born to prostitutes in the
Red Light District. An American Photographer traveled to take
pictures in that district and inevitably encountered the children, who
are everywhere. My mother walked in on the last half and was
surprised to see this, because she didn't know such things happened in
India. I'm also reading a book called "The Bond Between Women: A
Journey to Fierce Compassion" by China Galland. In the book the
author encounters women fighting child prostitution and slavery over
and over, despite her search towards understanding images of a fierce Divine Feminine like Kali and Tara. She quickly realized that this Divine Mother Warrior was manifesting in all of us, because our world is in danger.

I am convinced that we are in an age of action. The search for
spiritual 'englightenment' no longer precludes involvement in
'worldly' affairs. We don't have to be renunciants any more. No
more hiding out in the Himalayas, or in monasteries. The time for
action is now. It is the time to BE the message. Let us be living
embodiments of that which we desire of our Divinity, whatever it may
be. Do we want compassion? Let us be compassionate. Do we want
healing? Let us heal. Do we want guidance? Let us be wise.

Planning, thinking, feeling. Let us not become trapped in inaction.
I think it is frustrating for us to think about things over and over,
and wonder their results if we took action. However, I also believe
that we take comfort in not taking action. While we seethe and worry
we are secretly glad that we are not DOING, for then we would have a
huge responsibility. That of the result! I want to be brave. I want
to follow the murmurs of my heart, with its wonderful wisdom and
blooming enlightenment.

Today I am traveling the journey of Fierce Compassion.

Blessed be.

Time is not our master.

2006-03-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

I awaken from a semi-deep sleep with a beautiful tree washed golden
with the light of the sun. It makes me smile, for I feel like the
tree. Washed lovingly with the Light of my Self, that Self that
manifests within and without.

There's a cool breeze here, and I'll be sure to bundle up as I walk to school.

My heart keeps smiling, despite my obsessive thoughts. It smiles AT my
obsessive thoughts. The thoughts slowly dissipate away. What wondrous
miracles we cultivate when we yearn for peace. I'm slowly learning to
relax within my self. It is difficult. But I will accomplish it,
slowly and surely, in my own time.

Thank God we HAVE time. It gives us a sense of urgency, a sense of
wanting to accomplish. Can you imagine living, just living, without
having any way to mark anniversaries, accomplishments, goals and
dreams? Time is a tool to be used wisely, and it is not to be our
Master. This will be my goal for the day.

Love and Blessings.

oh blessed life

2006-03-12T20:13:00.000-05:00

My mind is clear, my voice is stronger, my mission palpable.

I can't write as much as I feel. The tools of my expression, while
not limited to touch, are more palpable if that sense is used.

Music is much more important to me thatn I realize, and I need to
focus my energies appropriately.

Allah Hu!!!! Ashqq drips from my tongue and Love lights up my Soul.

My hope and prayer is for Love, Light, Beauty and Harmony in every
human's heart.

For Peace.

I always forget

2006-02-04T10:14:00.000-05:00

Some days I tend to get lost in the problems I think I have. A little
walk might give me a few minutes to stew, but I inevitably become
distracted by the bamboo at the house on the corner. Across the
street from that house is another with a beautiful Sunflower bush. I
then look up at the sky and smile. I'm so silly.

As I walk into my clinic, I start worrying again. Usually about what I
was worrying about before, and about what I'm going to be doing.

30 minutes later I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, doing
what I love to do.

I always forget, until I'm there to remember.

ShivaShakti

2006-01-22T14:18:00.000-05:00

Sita once remarked, "In one form I am Sita. In another, I am Rama." In the tender chaos occurring in my being, I am realizing the concurrent manifestation of Shiva-Shakti, or Rama-Sita, Radha-Krishna, of Yin and Yang. Divine Mother is allowing every atom to stretch further than it ever has, for yin and yang to separate, so that I may realize its innate wholeness.

I weep. I laugh. I jump on my bed. Lay on the floor. Sing blissfully and dance in awakening. I sit quietly with nothing to say.

This morning I saw the Goddess manifesting in every woman. Her radiant Beauty, inner Strength and compassionate Manifestation swept across my vision. It may only have happened for 2 seconds, but I was so gratefully blessed with that Divine vision.

I worry about nonsensical possibilities. When I remember that, in moments like this one...I can't even think anymore.

This very moment the Sun shines on my skin. I hear the murmur of traffic, and the gentle song of our avian friends.

Gaze now, astonished lovers,
on the friends of supreme Love,
who manifest again and again
to purify and dissolve the world of limitation.
The very earth is trembling beneath the thunderous dance
of this Divine and human love.

Ramakrishna

I dream about Christmas

2006-01-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

Dreams can be difficult. There are so many realms, concious,
unconcious, subconcious, superconcious...They can be garbage from our
day chewed on over again, or simple fantasies, or prophetic and
profound. Dreams can bring us the key to locks presented in 'real'
life.

To be honest, most of the time I simply can't tell.

Last night I dreamt it was Christmas again, and I didn't even realize
it. A whole year had passed and I had no clue! I remember my dad's
voice sternly saying "Akemi! You are silly. It's Christmas!"

Whatever that dream meant, I truly hope I enjoy every moment of this year.

The Meaning of Life

2006-01-05T13:46:00.000-05:00

I believe this with all my heart.

In an 1890 sermon, clergyman Henry Drummond talks about our meeting
with the Creator. He says:

"At this moment, the great question of the human being will not be: "How have I lived?"

Rather, it will be: "How have I loved?"

The final test of every search is the dimension of our Love. What we have done, what we believe in and what we achieved, will not be taken into account.

None of that will be demanded of us, but rather our way of loving our fellow human. The errors we have committed will not even be remembered. We will not be judged by the bad we have done, but rather by the good that we have failed to do. Keeping Love locked up inside oneself is going against the spirit of God; it is proof that we have never known Him, that He has loved us in vain.

Rahman--On Compassion

2006-01-02T15:00:00.000-05:00

I vividly felt a lack of compassion within myself yesterday. I really
was in complete apathy over someone who was possibly in pain because
of things I was not doing. Today I was on the phone with someone and
displayed no compassion at all over their suffering. I arrived at
this conclusion when I mentally went over my actions over the past day
to see if I have stayed within the boundaries dharma, or correct
action. While I had technically not commited any incorrect action, I
did fail to manifest one of the most revered Divine qualities known to
all realms.

How to work on this? Awareness. Today I made an effort with the
individual I failed to connect with yesterday. I will rectify my
mistake in the phone conversation tomorrow. I plan on chanting arab
wasifas (ya rahman) and following the example of Ascended Master Kwan
Yin.

I am working in a healing modality. It is vital to my development as a
human to become a fountain of Divine Compassion. I have certainly
experienced enough to know what it feels like.

I am not incompassionate with those I respect. Only people I perceive
as weak. It makes me sad to realize this, but happy that I have
realized it. Existence is a double-edged sword.

Only a heart with wings can fly!

2006-01-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year, my friends.

I have no delineated resolutions per se, but I do have a general idea
of what I will endeavor to accomplish in the upcoming year.

I will continue to be aware of my mind. I feel its weight dragging on
my heart on a minute to minute basis. It is amazing to me, how
volatile and controlling it is. I am also grateful for the ability to
see these qualities of the mind.

I spent a wonderful evening last night with family and friends. I
participated in the Global Peace Dance facilitated by the Dances of
Universal Peace. My heart did fly. I saw old friends that I have not
seen in a while...and was able to share with them the love I have for
them.

I want to empty my heart out, and fill it up with gratefulness and
joy. I believe peace and equanimity are very important. That means
that I must be impartial to the ups and downs in my life. Again my
mind plays a vital role in that.

I want to take care of myself a little more. My body has worked hard.
It's gone through a lot. I'm so happy to be alive.

Blessed be.

a novel thought

2005-12-28T11:18:00.000-05:00

I've been quite miserable for the past week. I've been miserable my
whole life, on and off. But the intensity of emotion experienced by
my body has been...beyond the norm. Quite a few experiences have come
to me at the same time. I feel like a nexus of energy....like a
potential Black Hole. I feel as if I'm imploding. I feel as if every
cell in my bodies (physical, mental, emotional, akashic/etheric) are
in a state of what the Chinese call "separation of yin and yang". It
feels as if I'm being pulled apart, and slowly regenerating a new
'body'.

I can only assume I am going through an identity crisis. It is time to
choose.

Do I identify with my mind, with it's penchant for creating my
present feeling based on what happened a week ago? a month ago? a year
ago? Do I identify with my emotional body, with it's inability to
break out of an emotional thought-form, incredibly difficult to
neutralize and elevate? Do I identify with my body, with it's
constant stresses, and physical manifestations of the miseries of my
mind and emotions?

A novel thought entered this brain: what if I stop?

My heart and mind stopped for a millisecond.

A tempting experience. I wanted more.

Just take a second with me here. What if I 'pretend' the past didn't
happen? What If I pretend that it was nothing more than a commercial
on a cosmic television. Those things didn't 'happen' to 'me'.

What if I exist in this very perfect moment free of the past? Free of
the future?

What if I just quit?

Oh, my Beloved Friend. That just might be too tempting for me to resist.

If I just quit. If I just quit. If I just quit, I would be free to
worship my Beloved. My beautiful, wonderful, sexy and ever expansive Beloved every second of my life.

Who could blame me? I don't think I'll be able to help myself. This
is just too delicious. Too delicious to forget.

state of Being

2005-12-25T21:37:00.000-05:00

I've been trying something new. You know how there are a lot of
teachers out there who encourage the 'observe your mind', or 'stop
thinking' approach? Well they're totally right on, but I've found my
way of achieving that state. I become aware of the parts that compose
my Being on this plane. Not just my mind, that energetic center
somewhere above my nose and below my eyebrows. Not the body I feel
when I do Qi Kung or meditate. I allow my awareness to relax, sort of
like softly unfocusing my conciousness and sink into myself. I feel
myself as a tube all the way around my body, above and below. It feels
like there are cells, concious...breathing. They seem like centers of
energy that filter or manifest, depending on what's going on.

Yesterday I tried praying with my whole Being. That is, rather than
praying with my 'mind' and 'heart center', I directed all those
'cells' to say the prayer with me. To manifest that prayer. I have
never felt energy more strongly...more concretely.

I'm sure this is a bare glimpse of what we're capable of attaining,
but I am grateful for it. I am slowly becoming aware of my thought
patterns again...I start having conversations or arguments with loved
ones in my mind, get a headache or become uncomfortable. Then I
'unfocus', relax and sink into my Self.

Merry Christmas. May the Love Light always shine in your life.

Femininity

2005-12-05T12:11:00.000-05:00

I have no doubt that the woman is, indeed, a superior species *grin*.
Sure, we are created equal, but we have pushed ourselves into a whole
new level of Being. Women are the true Lovers. They hold family
together. They make peace: with food, lovemaking, listening (really
listening), brainstorming, multitasking. childbearing.

Not all women are like this. I think that the desperate state of our
world has pushed some of us into 'survival mode'. We have become lean,
hungry, manipulative and desperate. Cold.

I used to feel like this. It is only within the past two years that I
have come into my femininity. I feel quite womanly. Soft. Loving.
Open. I feel like a peacemaker. I can stand up for myself and defend
my own when necessary.

My relationships have changed significantly during this time period. I
feel closer to everyone in my world. I feel closer to everything not
of this world.

I feel so human. Fragile and strong at the same time. I perceive that
the sensitivity that is my strength becomes my greatest weakness. I
find myself having a Dark Night of the Soul most nights. My soul weeps
and strains. I moan with grief, wondering why I incarnated, why I
should feel pain. Worry. Fear. Uncertainty. I wake up the next day,
smiling, happy that I can FEEL. I can BREATHE. LOVE, LIVE, LAUGH.

I remember my friends, the Trees. I receive a loving kiss from my
Lover the Sun. The grief retreats slowly, under the surface of my
mission. I'm starting to suspect it is necessary.

This grief is what propels me closer to my Beloved. It saturates every
level of my being. This constant yearning is probably saving my life.

my voice took flight

2005-12-03T09:31:00.000-05:00

I used to be one of those girls who was jealous of other's singing
voices. My dad is a gospel singer, and listening to him sing "Amazing
Grace", or "I'll Fly Away" made my spirit yearn to break free and sing
that sweet melody with everything I had in me. At the time I was too
busy taking piano lessons to master only certain masterpieces that I
loved. That's another thing about me: I only learn what I want to
learn. Skip the theory, dammit, and teach me "Clair de Lune". I never
was one for wasting time. Now I realize that building a foundation
slowly and gently is just as valuable.

Interesting, isn't it? After my brush with death (what a pretty girl
she was), I desire to take things in, slowly, gently.I want every
cell in my body to experience the slow rush. I don't need to be hit
with a tsunami wave of experience like before. I believe the
difference is fear. I used to be frantically afraid. Now I'm just
normally anxious. And much less angry. I was so angry. So sharp.
Cunning, witty, and slightly manipulative. I wanted so very much to be
close to someone, and whenever it happened I would melt like
butter...with cinnamon on top. Needless to say, the closeless never
lasted long, as I did not attract the right companions because of my
anger and frantic fear.

Something happened. I started to sing. I started to sing along with
Shakira. In Spanish. That gave me a bit of freedom in my mind. My
mother gave me a priceless key to discovery one day when she shook her
head in frustration and emphasized "Akemi! Just be!" At first I didn't
know what the hell she was talking about. Just be? What the hell is
that? My friends soon caught on to the phrase. I felt like I was
being attacked from every angle.

I started to relax. My throat wasn't so tight anymore. My voice didn't
sound like a trapped four year old's. I took a break from analyzing
past and creating future for bits of time and enjoyed creation for a
few seconds a day. It progressed from there. I began listening and
participating in Sufi Dhikrs, devotional chants accompanied with body
movements. Everything tight in me began to melt. Slowly. Gracefully.
I let my mind go, and my body and spirit took over. My voice dropped
into my heart, my gut.

My voice took flight.

om poornamadah poornamidam

2005-12-01T22:17:00.000-05:00

My body belongs to my Beloved.

The Lover in me shares, laughs, and gracefully detaches.

The secrets of the universe come to me in waves of grief.

Who is not to say that this perceived grief is indeed ecstatic union?
I endeavor to change my perception.

Concious Awareness allows me to transmute and transform energy
directed in unawareness to a Higher Truer form.

How I weep for you, my Friend. But let's keep that a secret, and
share our ecstatic life union with those unaware.

courage

2005-11-30T08:24:00.000-05:00

Inana Lachma D'Hayy

You know what happens every time I get what I want? I have to deal
with some interesting consequences. I've learned to insert my
favorite caveat into prayers (I often feel like a lawyer) "but Thy
will be done and not mine, if this is not correct action, let it not
be." Even if to some I might be getting myself into trouble, and
possibly pain, the biggest part of my soul pushes me forward chanting
"LIVE." I could resist it, and I've done it many a time, but I just
don't want to anymore. I'm over stuffing myself away for fear's sake.

I am a coward when it comes to a few things, but I'm working on
courage. I'm working on using my faith, and my belief in my Self to
neutralize any negative emotion or thought to one of "I CAN because I
AM."

December 2004

2005-11-27T21:07:00.000-05:00

I found this diary entry written December of last year, when I first
had the inkling of being seriously ill, but before I was formally
diagnosed with Cancer. This was the first realization of what I had
to work on in order to find health.

I'm realizing the fact that I've been shutting myself up since I was
very small, under 2 years old. My body is yelling at me right now.
Symptoms are popping up, right and left, constantly demanding
attention. The symptoms are serious enough that I actually pay
attention and have to follow through.

Even now, when I have something important to say to my father, I
hesitate. I new I had to tell him on Sunday, that I was hurt that he
didn't ask me to go to church, but I was frustrated, because once
again the same thing was happening, and I didn't tell him. I am
disappointed in myself. But I know that I have the strength to follow
through with what I know I need to do. I need to take care of myself
right now, because what I have been doing up to now has not been
giving me the best results.

I need to listen to my inner self, to that little girl, to those other
parts of me and give them the same voice. I need to love all parts of
me. And my family and those who are around me need to be introduced to
me.

a most usual rant

2005-11-27T20:27:00.000-05:00

I pick the damnedest ways to keep my ego in check. I'm so frustrated
right now I don't even have words. All I can describe is this feeling
in my solar plexus, this weeping sadness in my heart, this tense pain
in my head.

Separation from God is painful, but easy. The struggle to return back
to my Beloved, that quest to reunite with my Self...Is filled with
exquisite moments of ecstasy and growls of pain.

Most of my pain stems from the fact that I have two contradictory
desires: mind and heart are at odds once again. I need to delve deep
into the well of myself so that I can once again emerge with a clear
goal.

Before that, I'm going to scream.

on power

2005-11-26T13:07:00.000-05:00

I write this entry from Dancing Peacock Paradise, where I am on retreat this weekend. I arrived here yesterday afternoon, and the weather was perfect. I trekked to a small campsite cradled by a leaning tree and could slightly see Beauty lake.

I wasn't intending to turn this into a night of practice. All of a sudden it was the reason I was here. I like it when my angels trick me like that.

I came out of the night knowing one thing: I am still afraid of my own power. I'm afraid of the responsibility it will bring. I'm even more afraid of how it will take me further away from people around me. While I will be more unified to the One in the whole, I will be more separate in 'mind' conciousness of lives around me. Or so I think. I'm still taking baby steps. I don't have to do it all at once. I don't have to do anything. I laugh as I read what I just wrote.

I don't have to. I just really, really want to.

Blessed be.

i'm scared.

2005-11-25T10:49:00.000-05:00

My heart feels very tentative today. I'm afraid of rejection, to a
certain degree. The fear is not impeding me from offering part of
myself, but it certainly is making the process uncomfortable. I'm not
sure that I'm to do anything about it, other than notice it and
continue to try to perform correct action as much as I can.

I do notice myself doing one thing: every time a wave of fear washes
over me I allow myself to release it, much as a wave recedes back into
the ocean. This way it only has a temporary grip on my senses, and it
will surely return from whence it came.

o happy day

2005-11-24T08:42:00.000-05:00

May all the good you have done this year make its way into our Lord's altar.

Thank you for being here, for sharing love, life, and yes, pain.
Thank you for being one of my many teachers. Thank you for being my
friend. My lover. My mirror.

Suryaaya Svaha, Suryaaya Idam Na Mama.
Prayaapatayee Svaha, Prayaapatayee Idam Na Mama

truth

2005-11-23T16:01:00.000-05:00

Whenever Truth is spoken, whether by chant, song, action, or kiss,
every cell in my being stands at attention. DNA dances as it unwinds
and releases long-lost secrets of my conciousness. Meanwhile, my
beautiful angel stands gleefully next to me, and smiles.

heaven

2005-11-22T09:26:00.000-05:00

I've been in heaven for another year.

My voice is slowly becoming my own. My eye is focusing, ever so lightly, on that which my Beloved desires: Me.

Thank you God for what my immature mind calls the Good. Thank you God for what this young, unapprenticed body calls misery. Thank you God, for what the unbridled spirit unburdened by judgment calls Haqq: the manifestation of nothing other than life.

What's mine is Thine to do Thy will. I pray for more than that sometimes, but I know that you know that I don't really mean it.

Your love kisses my fresh face morning, noon & eve. The flowers that grow under your direction twinkle and gaze at the wondrous beauty you place before them.

All this talk of kissing makes me hungry for you, my heart. Come to me & let's set spark to a whole new universe, one never been seen by creature nor man. Come lie with me, full moon or not, and set my eyes to fire and skin to ashes. Feel the taste of my soft and silky kisses that will surely melt you as mocha chocolate cake melts me.

I write these things for eyes like my own. I wonder whose they will be.

thanks be

2005-11-17T20:00:00.000-05:00

I looked in the mirror today and realized I was still alive. It was a wonderful moment, one that lasted a few seconds and every single one was incredibly delicious. Like a chocolate covered papaya. yum.

I get to see trees every day, and the sunlight twinkling through their leaves. I get to serve other beings. I wake up in a beautiful home, eat wonderful food, and spend time with my favorite people. I listen to great music and dance. I stretch out in my comfortable bed and enjoy the scratchy comfort of my sheets.

mmmmm...I get to french kiss a mocha chocolate cake, and watch great movies under a warm blanket.

I love this life, and I'm grateful for it.

allah hu

2005-11-15T09:41:00.000-05:00

I’m slowly surrendering to an overwhelming fatigue. With it comes a feeling of confusion and uncertainty about my Self’s journey right now. I don’t like it. However, it somehow seems a necessary part of my true life’s mission: Growth. I believe we live our life in cycles. This is the downward turn before a flip upward.

Underneath it all I am still certain of the Universe’s all encompassing Love and Compassion. I am certain of the Truth of our unique Selves. I am certain that Light will always, always shine the way.

Om. Sahanau Bhavatu, Sahanau Bhunaaktu, Saha Veeryam Keravavahai
Tejasvina Vadita Mastu Mavhid Visha Vahaii.
Om Shanti. Shanti. Shanti.

give us this day

2005-11-14T08:40:00.000-05:00

Hawvlân lachma d'sûnkanân jaomâna. This is part of the Lord’s Prayer in Aramaic. A recent translation reads: Grant us what we need each day in bread and insight. This is my prayer for the day.

Give me wisdom. Give me sight. Give me the kindness and compassion I need to love my brothers and sisters as they are loved by You.

Amen.

not mine.

2005-11-11T19:36:00.000-05:00

God’s will be done, not mine. New opportunities are expanding into my universe, and along with these opportunities comes a beautiful gift of empowerment: choice. As the reluctant messiah of Richard Bach’s Illusions emphasizes: “You. Can do. Whatever. You. Want. To do.”

Am I chickening out by constantly chanting the first line of this entry? Am I giving up my power? It may seem like it at first, but deciding to surrender to the ultimate Lover is as much as choice as deciding to follow physical desire.

Don’t get me wrong, I do make decisions. I say that I want certain things in my life, and tend to get them. But:

In my heart of hearts, my one true desire is my Lover’s.

happy as....hell?

2005-11-03T09:24:00.000-05:00

Ok. so I don't get that saying but I'm as happy as...a flower being kissed by the sun and lovingly supported by angels whispering "grow. grow."

I have a home! My own home. My very own home. Amazing how such a material object can create opportunities for spiritual growth.

I'm becoming more amazed at the absolute mysteriousness and indeed, mischiveousness of this Earth we inhabit. The colors are so bright. I perceive a smile behind every breeze...

What do you say, Love?

SMILE!

Gratitude

2005-09-17T14:41:00.000-04:00

One expects love, success, good weather, true friendships, good jobs and so on. If one begins to practice gratitude, one’s every moment will feel like and actually will be a blessing.
-The Brotherhood of Orion

News Flash

2005-09-14T10:53:00.000-04:00

Today I found out that the National Certification of Acupuncture Commission is sponsoring a program called Acupuncturists Without Borders, specifically created to aid hurricane katrina's affected, both refugees and aid personnel. I got goosebumps as I saw the flyer in my College's Administration Office. Of course, as I am a senior student and not licensed I'm guessing I cannot rush over there and start treating people, but it has been my dream to do something like Doctors Without Borders upon graduation. Who knows, perhaps I can go down there and assist acupuncturists.

Life is, as always, crazy right now, except it's crazy in a more material way. I am looking to rent a house 2 blocks away from my school and I am so excited. I am praying for the perfect roommates, solid, loving, grounded, spiritual people who are meant to share part of my journey. God's Will be done. The great thing is, that we could have club meetings, student government meetings, happy hour (featuring cake!) and group naps right across the street from school! I am so excited. I know, I've said that a few times, but I can't help but be excited at the myriad of experiences life in a dense body provides us.

I truly feel that we are spiritual beings learning to live a physical life. How else could we experience fear and grace? How could we learn compassion, truly, unless we, too, have lived through the discomfort of a physical world? In our true home, the realm of Ultimate Being, there is no fear. No Discomfort. No pain. No Hopelessness. There is only Light. And out of that light shines an everlasting Love that reaches every dimension that ever was and ever will be.

Until we meet again,

May the prescence of God be upon you.

In Memorium

2005-09-06T13:21:00.000-04:00

Of my Beloved Grandmother Irma Borjas Avila who transitioned into another state on August 16th, 2005.

May the Blessings of God rest upon her.

From Orion

2005-09-04T22:05:00.000-04:00

August 10, 2005
SERVICE brings you closer to achieving the higher state of consciousness known as ‘I and my Father are One.’ Seek to do as much SERVICE as you are able to do every day.
Seek to agree rather than disagree. Seek to compromise. Seek to understand and seek to love, protect and honour each other.
May each day bring you nearer to the DIVINE within.
OM TAT SAT.

Ocean Playfulness

2005-09-04T21:34:00.000-04:00

I'm shifting and shifting day in and day out. I feel like an orange that's just begun to ripen and is releasing a sweet fragrance. I feel enchantingly magnetic and joyous. While I've wondered why I haven't magnetized (found) the person I 'want' to be with, I've only just realized that what I'm magnetizing is perhaps more precious: angels, devas, fairies, dimensions and dolphins. I laugh as I write this and wonder if everyone who reads this believes I'm insane. It matters not, for I laugh, and I live, and I love and I serve.

I've finished reading 'Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah' by Richard Bach, and I highly reccomend it. It is an amazing work, a plainly beautiful story and enchanting messages richly embedded within.

I made friends with the ocean today. We traveled to St. Augustine Beach, and I jumped in as soon as I got there. It was very choppy and hard to stay in. The temperature was perfect, but there was a dark cloud over me. After 20 minutes I decided to chant 9 Gayatri Mantras (Om Bhurvuvah Swaha Tatsa Vitur Varenyam Bhargo Devasya Dheemahi Diyoyo'Nah Prachodayat) in honor of the water element and its ability to sustain us and endure our neverending ungratefulness and punishment. With each chant, the water got calmer, smoother, the tide rose smoothly and gracefully. The waves began to embrace me and I allowed myself to float, knowing that I would be most lovinly cradled in my Mother's arm. I played with the ocean for an hour, and will never be the same again. Thank you God.

Lokaa Samasthaa Sukhino Bhavantu.

florida living

2005-09-04T11:21:00.000-04:00

so I've been travelling for the past month. I've been to Canada (North Hatley) and NYC...I've been to the other side of the veil and beyond...I've been to the Sun, to ask my Mother Goddess to guide my Beloved Grandmother into her Inner Sanctum. I'm back.

Another semester at Dragon Rises has begun, and with it a new phase of living. life is flowering around me, amidst catastrophes full of grief and anger. Correction: life is flowering inside me, amidst catastrophes full of grief and anger (both internal and external).

I vow to be a vessel of hope and forgiveness, and to be that which I AM meant to be. I vow to be happy, joyous and fulfilled, living through the Will of the Divine. I vow that i shall never forget my freedom, nor let those around me forget theirs.

As I Will, so let it Be.

love me, love me!

2005-08-10T18:36:00.000-04:00

hello world.

life is a bit crazy and wonderful right now. I love it! I have more clinic hours than I did, and am happy about it. I've been working a lot the past few weeks and my energy levels have been lower than I'm used to-I definitely notice a difference. However, I've been spending tons of time with beautiful friends...which fulfills me in a very deep level.

Acupuncture is definitely what I'm supposed to be doing right now. The effort that I put into my studies comes back tenfold. I feel quite comfortable with it and have seen it improve people's lives. I look forward to opening my own practice.

Lately my spiritual practices haven't been so separate from my daily life. That it, instead of setting apart a block of time to 'be spiritual', I've been integrating it. What I think or do all gets processed at a spiritual level. It's not always concious, but I do try. How does this affect me? I am definitely more aware of the Grace flowing through my life. I am not dependent on another person or situation to make me happy, or keep me happy. I've stopped giving power over my life to people and situations.

As for the love me! love me! title of my blog: no clue why it came out. just felt like saying it.

good day.

a sage panther

2005-08-06T15:41:00.000-04:00

Trying to be who I AM is a neverending quest. I achieve it for minute moments, and as fleeting as a butterly in the summer, it is gone. However, I am enjoying my life more than ever. I am finally able to see through situations, and see the lesson inherent in them. I don't have to 'live through' problems to see the gift they've come to give me. I just have to stop an ask myself what I wanted to learn that made me attract that 'problem' or situation.

I have a strong visual of my True Self, that eternal Woman and her companions, a sage panther and a dark nile cobra. I've been incorporating that visual, and allow her to breathe her own life essence into this body. What is amazing is how much stronger I feel, a thick cushion of energy around my normally vulnerable areas (neck, sacrum). I feel my companions walking around me, protecting me, guiding me...sometimes delving back into me.

I know this may not make much sense, but believe me...life has never been so beautiful.

testing. testing.

2005-07-18T15:31:00.000-04:00

So I've been getting pretty confident in the past few weeks in my ability to 'deal' with life, and having faith in Divinity. I've been working on strengthening/clearing my lower chakras and learning how to use them properly as I've spent most of my life in la la 4-7th chakra land. As with any major growth event, life provided me with an opportunity to see what i need to work on.

Hence, "Testing. Testing. Chakra 1 are you there?"
Hello, Dolly! Woohoo! It turns out I do have a first chakra. Who'dathunkit? This is my connection to my roots, my family, my tribe, my finances...my foundation, if you will (along with Chakras 2-3). So my bank account got all screwed up in a seemingly never-ending cycle of: debit. debit. debit. will not deposit. debit. fees. fees. more fees. did we mention we'll charge MORE fees? This happened to me once before and I freaked out. Well. I was scared for a bit, but decided to talk to my family. I knew that with every prayer Grace is immediately sent back along with guidance. The question is: how do we read that guidance? On Saturday I thought "go talk to your father." I thought, ok. hmm. ok. he's working on the house. hmm.

Sunday comes along: "talk to your dad." hmm. really? hmm.

Monday: I actually see my dad. Dad empathizes. Daddy helps. Yay! Problem solved. Well, kind of. We still need to work on the underlying issue but, I listened to my intuition and received Grace! I'm just psyched. It works!!! It really works!

I have more to share but I'm so excited that I'm rambling :D Have a beautiful day.

PS: for more info on what i'm working on (chakras), go to Carolyn Myss' Website and click on chakras.

feeling better.

2005-07-15T17:56:00.000-04:00

Mercury, Venus and Moon in Colorado
I've been thinking about this, and overall I feel better than I ever have in my life. I'm clear, focused, and secure. I have faith in myself, and all That Is. I've been practicing the balance of spiritual, physical and emotional. It seems a natural inclination. For example, after waking and dressing, I'll do Tai Chi in the morning while my breakfast is cooking. I'm more adept at self diagnosis: i'm more aware of what I'm feeling, and am able to be honest enough with myself to find out what I need to do about it. I've noticed a lot of fear rules my life, and I am working on unplugging from that (re-training my reflexes). It takes a lot of patience and love.

Ever since I can remember, I've lived a double life. I would say about 20% of my attention was focused on present time ('real life'). The rest of the time I would spend in some fantasy world that my mind created for 'escape.' I can't fathom how many hours of my life I've spent fantasizing about my life, my future, my career, my children, my friends, my home...guys i've liked, movies i've watched, books i've read.

The past 3 weeks have been strongly focused on living in the present and letting go of memories/fantasies as much as possible. Can I tell you that I feel clear-headed, energetic, and happy? That I'm making higher grades than I've ever made? With less of the stress and self-abuse that tends to occur? A huge contribution to this is the level of trust I've placed in my Higher Guidance and All That Is. It works! It really works!

Butterflies keep crossing my path, and I'm so happy when I see them. At first I smiled internally whenever I saw one, but today, while driving to school I caught myself grinning hugely as one flew right by my car. I was almost in shock at how happy and grateful I was for that moment. It was amazing. This is how life should make me feel. No. This is how I should feel about life.

Sincerely,

happy and grateful in florida

living by a code

2005-07-11T09:23:00.000-04:00

i've determined that each individual has her own honor code. Something that is born inside of them, and later influenced by their family and culture. I've noticed throughout my life that whenever I do certain things, my solar plexus hurts, or I feel slightly uncomfortable. I used to shove that feeling aside and keep going. I figured out that the feeling was my energy telling me that I didn't really want to be doing or thinking that. It did not feel right to keep spending my own energy to do something that I deeply did not want to do. Why do we do this?

We don't listen.

Everything we need to know is inside of us. But for whatever reason, we're not attuned. Let me tell you, once you're ready to tune in, you'll get all the help you need. But it is WORK. It takes constant attunement and reflection. My body gives me hundreds of messages within a short period of time, and I am only now learning how to decipher them. A part of me had been thinking that it is selfish to spend so much time on myself, until I figured out that by knowing what my honor code is, I can live my honor code. This is my service to my brothers and sisters. Do unto others, and all that jazz.

All I can tell you is, so far, life is good.

finding the goddess within

2005-07-08T17:13:00.000-04:00

God. what a corny name for this particular blog...but what else do i call it? What do I call Her? She looks like a Goddess. She acts like a Goddess. Her eyes are violet-lavender, and her hair, a massive mane that acts like a Violet Flame. She doesn't speak much, her eyes and facial gestures are more than enough to communicate ever intimate intention. She is a peaceful and powerful prescence, both Warrior and Tranquil Mother. I don't yet know whether she is inside or outside of me, but does that really matter? I become purified and enlightened when graced with her prescence.

The attacks on London served to strengthen my determination to become a calming and light-full being. I need to be centered enough to send light to those who need it at a second's notice. Divinity shall be served!

cool pic

2005-07-04T11:34:00.000-04:00

Mauna Kea, the famous dormant volcano in Hawai'i. Looks rather alien, no?

For more info look at the

NASA website

spiritual independence

2005-07-04T10:55:00.000-04:00

I've spent this weekend wondering in the back of my mind whether we are truly a Free country or not. I haven't found an answer to it as there are arguments for and against. What I have been thinking about is spiritual independence. I think this is an absolutely necessary foundation for true growth and liberation.

I believe that we go through stages of spiritual growth, and in the beginning we need someone to hold our hands. This would be our mentor, guide, church, holy book, etc. Most of us spend most of our lives in this stage. It can be tragically debilitating. Letting go of this is as difficult of letting go of our mother's hand the first day of kindergarten. I know, some of us let go easier than others, but I believe that mother-child bond is the most powerful on the planet. We'd never have survived otherwise.

When I finally let go of my Spiritual Mother's hand, I found my long-lived fear of being alone to be completely unfounded. I found my Mother, my Father, my Lover, and my Friend fully contained inside of me.

Spiritual independence will allow me to stand on my own two feet, as well as join any other being in sacred worship of Divine Life.

conciousness

2005-07-01T22:37:00.000-04:00

I have so many lessons to learn it is sometimes hard not to become impatient or overwhelmed. The great thing is that there is something inside of me that tells me that I have to put minimum 80% of my energy in the Now. What is the Now? To me it is present time. I’ve realized how much of me is not here with me.

At any given time I’m worrying about my brothers, praying for my mother, wondering what my crush is doing, playing with the angels, laying in the sand in a sunny beach, exploring new solar systems, feeling slightly afraid of my father, wondering if I’m supposed to have children, wondering if I’m supposed to want to have children, feeling like I should be praying, making up stories in my head, missing my friends from Canada, sending warm thoughts to Jerusalem, praying for soldiers, shaking my head at war, crying over suffering children, laughing with Hafiz and Teresa of Avila, and singing a song in my head. How could I possibly be present while I’m doing all this?

My mind is more powerful and amazing that any computer made on this planet. I want to use it (dharmashakti) as I’m supposed to. I’ve been experimenting with living in present time and I’m getting tremendous results. My growth is manifesting in the exterior as well, which is why I’ve been having a hard time keeping up with my blog. I feel more secure and able to handle daily situations simply because I’m present.

I feel less need for escapism as well. I’m not saying at all that I don’t still automatically do what I’ve done most of my life, but at least I’m recognizing that I’m doing it. I’m slowly become aware of what thoughts and situations I’m financing with my energy.

I think this is a process that I'll be going through my entire life. I don't mind. I think becoming aware is vital to life. I'm enjoying the process.

Blessed be.

so life is beautiful. so what?

2005-06-28T11:24:00.000-04:00

what are you going to do about it?

angels on demand

2005-06-25T11:25:00.000-04:00

you know how we have those 'payperview', 'movies on demand' channels where you can call in and see what you want to see? Get what you want when you want? I've realized angels are like that too. We just have to get out of our own way. In my last blog, I surrendered to the fact that any solution my mind would come up with for my situation would always leave some doubt. After all, my goal is not to satisfy mind-full pleasures, but my spirit's evolution as well.

Surrendering was the best way I could ever help myself. Living in the present is the best way I could help myself. I'm happy, and grateful, for all that I have. If I tune in carefully, I can hear the twinkling tones of the loving energy of those who support my journey. Divine music accompanies my travels.

Things are coming along with my family. I'm glad. I have a job, possibly a place to live. Everything I ever asked for is appearing before me. Man, am I ever glad I got out of my own way.

Hallelujah!

tribes

2005-06-22T07:36:00.000-04:00

I've decided I'm a member of an unknown tribe. I'm withdrawing my membership to the various tribes I've been born into and tried to make myself a part of. I've only just realized that I've been meant NOT to fit in. My whole life I've been trying to, and it's been killing my spirit and manifesting in my body. I'm plugging my circuits (life force) into this tribe, because this tribe I will support and I know that they sure as heck support me. Most of my tribe don't realize i've made them part of it or at least they don't say so openly. It doesn't matter, because that's how I see them. When I'm around them I feel electrified, excited, ALIVE. I feel like they're looking into my Spirit to measure who I am and how I'm doing, not my body, my clothes, or my actions. We're all connected in this very subtle but powerful level that I've realized has satisfied my need to be loved and part of something greater than myself.

I've been reading on the basic human need to worship the sacred in a group. It doesn't matter how or what. I've found my sacred worship tribe as well. I am well again. I don't look at the world with the same eyes I used to, Beloved! These perceptions I've fed over the years...they've led me to this moment, but from now on I'm taking the reins and becoming a CONCIOUS BEING, one aware of what's behind my eyes and how it affects what is in front of them.

I want to talk about self-worth. You see, I used to measure it (and I still do to a degree-I'm working on it), on how successful I appear: do I look good/attractive? do I receive praise from those I respect and admire? am I financially independent? do people/friends look to me for an opinion, or advice? am I able to take care of myself and fulfill the needs of my family, whether I think I should or not?

well, guess what. Henceforth I shall only measure self-worth by one standard: am I fulfilling my Heart's desire? In other words, instead of having my brain find all instances when I've felt good (because I looked good), and bad (because I didn't do what I think I was supposed to do) and see which one outweighs the other, I now think: "My life is my message. I am fulfilling my Destiny every moment of every day. Every breath I take is purposeful, is grateful, is loving and I am empowered to make choices."

In other words:

"I AM Free."

help me. please.

2005-06-17T15:09:00.000-04:00

Things are shifting again. My body is adjusting to new lessons learned via acquired awareness. I’m aware of how many useless thoughts and beliefs I feed with my life force. For example: “I’m young, I should be sexual. No. Sexuality is bad. Dangerous. Reproduce. Be a good wife. Don’t do that. Find yourself. Make a career. Become self-sufficient. Provide for your family. Find a husband that will provide for you. Be completely unique, but at the same time be like everyone else. You should be taller. Short is cute. The UN is useless. Love any effort towards unification. Protect yourself. Provide for yourself. Depend on yourself. Be ambitious. Be successful. Be driven. Look good. Feel guilty for being part of a country that’s bombing innocent people. Support our soldiers.” AHHHHHHHHHHH.

Silent tears course through my heart as I search for my core. My hands shake as I write this, as I am tempted to despair. There is so much work to be done, and as much as I want to help others, I can do nothing unless I help myself. I can do nothing unless I am a fountain of Peace, Hope, Love, Understanding, Strength, Faith, and Victory. It is difficult to heal myself, Beloved. Why can’t I just work on everyone else?

I laugh as I write this because I KNOW that everything outside of me is a reflection of what’s inside of me.

Lord, be my guide. Be my everything. I surrender to you.

Help me. Please.

avoidance

2005-06-15T12:05:00.000-04:00

In class today we were ruminating over knowing when a patient has "worked through" issues or traumas in their lives. What we were really wondering was, if a person is telling us their history, and something we think was horrible happened, and they don't show much reaction or what you think is the appropriate reaction, how do you know whether the person has moved on or if they've repressed it?

The main consensus was avoidance. If you ask a person, "what is the most horrible thing that ever happened to you? or, is there anything in your life you would change?", and there is nothing, but you know their child died, then there might be something there.

This entire exchange made me realize just how many of my painful memories I've avoided these many years. I understand and respect my mind and body for preserving me by not forcing them on me, because now I feel like I'm strong enough and clear enough to start working through them. I am now allowing myself to feel the sadness and grief. And oh, Lord, there is so much sadness. I think my saddest memory is of my brother's kidnapping, and not knowing if I would ever see him again. If I would ever see his sweet little face, with those deep eyes and quiet soul. He was my partner when I was young, my companion. There was no stress in our relationship (only when he beheaded all my barbies), it was fun. The point is, I've never allowed myself to feel that fear, that sadness.

Now I realize the only way to lose my fear of losing him is by feeling it.

Thank God that the Angels believe in me. I don't know if I can do this without them.

transforming anger into peace

2005-06-13T15:15:00.000-04:00

Honesty is hard. Especially when hurting someone is the last thing your heart wants to do. I found myself balking at talking to my mother about moving out, because I was afraid of her disapproval. I was also afraid of hurting her feelings. I finally spoke to her today, and although my fears were not unfounded, I feel much better in my relationship with her. I know, and she knows, that I have matured and will not make hasty decisions. I don't plan on striking out on my own until I have solidified and cleansed my relationship with my family to a level I'm comfortable with. If I don't, the whole pattern would just repeat itself when I start my own family. This is not compatible with my goal of spiritual evolution.

My brother is starting high school next fall. I walked through his campus today, and saw those 15 year old girls wearing short shorts and knee pads (for volleyball tryouts). If I was half the person then that I am today...well...It's hard not to look back and see what I would have done differently. I cannot expect a fifteen year old to have the maturity of a 23 year old.

This summer I'm focusing on my family relationships. There is much forgiveness and rebuilding to be done. I'm realizing how many emotions I've suppressed my entire life.

Last night I began an exercise: I recalled interactions with people in my life that made me feel anger, pain, frustration or any such negative emotion. Instead of suppressing that energy and focusing myself in prayer, I conciously jumped on the wave of that emotion and through my heart transformed it into peace. I was chanting 'shanti, shanti, shanti' in my heart. What ended up happening is that I felt energy come at me from the individual, passed through my heart and became transformed into loving peace, and returned to the other person. It was an amazing experience, but difficult to stay in. I realize that it will take a lot of concentration, energy, and internal silence. It was very powerful. I felt the power at a physical level.

I realized that I'll always be a hypocritical warrior for peace if I don't work through any negative memory and emotion I have towards any being. I want to live the words I write. I don't want my life to be half-assed. It's time to fly.

Letter from my Best Friend

2005-06-12T17:29:00.000-04:00

I have written a submission essay for a scholarship. The topic was "a letter you would have liked to receive from your best friend during your illness." This is what my best friend read to me.

Beloved One of my Soul:

I understand that it may come as a shock to you that your body is, in essence, destroying itself. There is Life inside of you that dictates nothing so beautiful should be destroyed, and the conflict between the two must bring you torment.

Throughout my Existence, I have discovered various secrets not known by most who walk upon this uncherished planet. It would be my honor, and a privilege, to share this knowledge with one who is ready to transform.

I have been watching you for some time now, and have seen enough to know that you are ready. Every cell in your body calls out for change, transformation, and evolution. I see how every morning you awake and see trees dance and laugh in the wind. I see how your Heart secretly yearns to do the same. It is time.

This knowledge I give you should not be taken lightly, for within it are clues that will guide you to that which you seek. Do not just read these words, but be these words. I see in your Heart that you wish for your life to be your message to all those who experience you. Manifest that innermost wish with dignity and honor.

First: always remember that every experience you have is an opportunity to fulfill your destiny. There is no need to wait for anything or anyone. I know what you’re thinking, Beautiful One. “What is my destiny?” As the ancient mystics of the Middle East were fond of saying, “If I told you the Truth about God, you would laugh.” I hope you’ll laugh joyously at the beautiful complexity of creation. Your destiny is to be yourself. Make this your life’s work, and you will find that there is no better way to assist your every brother and sister.

Second: every life created is as precious as That which created it. Therefore every life deserves the opportunity to experience the truest aspect of their being. This is the only way to properly honor all life. I know you see injustice daily, and it weighs heavy on your soul. The best way to combat injustice is to look at the world with untarnished eyes. By this I mean that by looking at every individual that crosses your path as the brilliantly unique and wondrous creature that they are, you empower them to become that creature.

This leads me to the next secret: you are forever free in your life. No being on creation can take away your choice. As humans bombarded daily by negativity from sunrise to sunset, it is easy to forget this. It is also easy to give this precious gift up. It takes tremendous courage to own this gift, because not only are you fighting your own battered self-esteem, you are fighting the opinions of countless around you who have lost the heart vision of beauty and self.

Fourth: there are endless universes waiting to be created inside of you. Every human has the ability to see the world in a different way, and all will benefit from each unique vision. Think about it, have you not been empowered and inspired by all those who dared to voice and pursue their own inner vision? Is there not something liberating in just looking at an individual who dares to be unique? You can see it in their eyes, their carriage; you can hear it in their laughter. There are endless universes waiting to be created inside of you, Akemi. Live without fear. Dive in.

Don’t limit yourself. You have the capability to excel in whatever you wish. Dance freely, laugh wildly, write poems from sunrise to sunset, and sing to the crescent moon. Cry as the mystics cried; in fact, listen to their sacred voices by reading the words they have left behind. St. Theresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, Rumi, Hafiz, Mirabai, Rabia, Tukkaram—all of these wild and loving poets dance about in your heart. Allow them to guide you, inspire you, support you.
Sometimes you wonder how you’ll achieve all you’re meant to. How will you achieve emotional, intellectual, physical and financial maturity? Sister, the entire Universe conspires to protect you and provide for you. Trust that the Life that flows in, through, and around you will attract all that you need, simply because you’re allowing that Life of your Spirit to freely flow.

These things I tell you are shared in Love, and Trust. Share these words will all who cross your path, for you are meant to share all of yourself with the world around you. Use this experience as an opportunity to develop your qualities of Gracefulness, Mercy, Compassion, Strength, Faith and Ultimate Love. It may seem odd, but those around you need your abilities to channel these qualities. They need you, all of who you are.

I will leave you with a last loving thought: honor the life you have been given by living it.

Sealed in Trust, Faith and Truth,

The Beloved

A person freed

2005-06-11T14:29:00.000-04:00

I have awakened once again from Life's journey. These past two weeks have been beautiful, incredible, Divine. I am once more transformed into a reflection of my Heart's Desire.

What would you say if I told you that I am Free? I received a message last eve, from those close to my Heart: "Spread your wings. It is time to fly." As soon as I read those words I broke down and cried like I have never allowed myself to. No single experience in this life allowed me to relase myself like those simple words.

In truth I search only Freedom. I search the Freedom to be nothing but who I AM. There is a wild and loving Spirit inside of me. A Spirit that dreams fantastic dreams, and sees the world in the light in which it was created.

However, my path to Freedom is a difficult one, as are all paths to our hearts. Sometimes the mirror in front of me is a bit tarnished, and the image I see is distorted, and I become lost in perception. Every once in a while Grace is afforded me and a brilliant and shining reality is restored in every aspect of my being. I want to share this with you. With all of you. There are so many of you out there that I love so very very much, and I want to share all aspects of Light with, yet am afraid of that tarnished image the old mirror provides. From now on I vow to live in Truth and Freedom.

Beloved, I have been freed. Are you ready for my love?

HeartMessage

2005-06-04T23:00:00.000-04:00

I AM a messenger of Divine Will. Beloved of my Heart, Let my life be the message.

This past Friday a beloved friend gave me a most precious gift: a labradorite pendant and earrings. The pendant has a silver Messenger Angel plate over the stone. The second it touched my body my whole reality shifted. This past couple of weeks have been rather intense, and I've had difficulty processing my lessons and walking forward. I've asked for help. My third chakra has felt especially tight/out of balance and I've asked my Beloved for healing Light and counsel.

I am protected and provided for by the receptive power of the Universe.

Gratefulness for this wonderful Earth Mother blossoms in my heart, for she so gracefully supplies my every need.

---

I find myself definitely more connected to my inner Beauty, to that Divine Goddess that whispers enticingly. Her eyes are dark, mysterious and mischiveous. There are gold and silver bangles flashing from her arms, and delicate bells that joyously sing as she dances to the Universe Song. She is courage, grace, clarity, strength and suppleness. She is me.

I leave you with an inspiring message breathing in my Heart from Sri Sathya Sai Baba:

Love is my form, truth is my breath, bliss is my food
My life is my message, expansion is my life
No reason for love, no season for love, no birth, no death .

a little bit of history

2005-06-02T08:43:00.000-04:00

I have gained an incredible amount of respect for my body. It has truly served me well, and has diverted enormous pain and suffering quietly into itself, without my spirit having a daily experience of it.

Certain blocked memories are becoming known to me. About two weeks ago I had a very disturbing dream, in which I was being sexually abused by a prominent childhood figure. That morning I woke up not feeling anything emotionally (other than mild disbelief), and slowly began to retreat emotionally from those closest to me.

Two trusted, loved, and intuitive companions questioned me about sexual abuse within a few days of each other. I began seriously asking myself, since messages from my Beloved tend to come in threes. I figured I better pay attention.

After some self reflection, I've realized that the sexual abuse did occur. Perhaps by more than one childhood figure. It seems a knowledge imprinted on my cells, even as my mind struggles to realize this.

Whatever the outcome of this I've learned a powerful lesson already:

Truth is the Freedom I've wept and yearned for over a period of 22 years. I'm slowly gaining the courage to own every part of myself. I have no shame, and no need for it; I am a warrior. I'm still the same Akemi that loves the sunshine caressing dancing leaves, the same Akemi whose eyes shine at the possibility of realized Love.

I respect all of my experiences, and work towards realizing them as great and loving lessons given me so that I may fulfill that which is DIVINE.

I hold in my heart part of a poem written by Rabia, a female Islamic saint and prominent Sufi figure:

It Acts Like Love

My body is covered with wounds
this world made,

but I still longed to kiss Him, even when God said,

"Could you also kiss the hand that caused
each scar,

for you will not find me until
you do."

wishing

2005-05-29T12:49:00.000-04:00

How could I possibly express to you anything but what I've said a million times over? Is it possible for advancement? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I'm running in circles, occasionally recognizing a landmark or sign that jogs my memory. I quickly forget it, run into it again and decide that I've discovered it for the first time.

As depressing as that thought of view it, part of it is true. However, I must (and do) believe that my world is getting better, little by little, day by day, because I'm trying to be better. Is this how I can help the world advance into a golden era of peace? Is there such a thing? Sometimes it is so very hard to imagine. Everyone is so caught up in some inane mundane aspect of life. But then again I catch myself. Can anything created by my Creator be inane? Perhaps its me who needs to see the world differently.

I'm in Sarasota visiting with friends. As happy as I am, small rivers of sadness pump out of my heart through my veins. If I could stop wishing, and just be...how different would my beloved universe be?

Kiss me, my Beloved. I yearn for thee night and day. I await your embrace like no other. Be with me.

to be an ecstatic lover

2005-05-27T12:50:00.000-04:00

when the Gift of God is manifested as clarity in my mind, body, and spirit more than magic happens. It is as if the universe has suddenly become arranged in a pattern easily discernible to me, and all my bodies automatically began working towards that Divine Will that wishes to manifest.

I've realized this takes more courage than I'm used to. Knowing this, I aspire to become a true and loving warrior. I have confidence in myself, and know that the universe around me is my team. I need to look at more than the surface of life; when I do, I often see at first a dull glimmer, a meer promise of something majestic. O, to be a true and ectatic lover of God!

I wish to laugh and cry, to twirl and twirl around every dancing star in the sky.

Abwun d'baschmaya! O Thou, from whom the breath of life comes,

Here I am.

Take me.

musings to a Friend

2005-05-26T15:53:00.000-04:00

Whenever a dark cloud appears within my horizon, and my mind inevitably creates thunder, my spirit turns to a magical land. I overcame my long time fear of the dark by listening to the whisper of the fairy forest. At night, when I couldn’t sleep I would walk barefoot in absolute darkness, and allowed my heart to be guided by the brilliant moon and playful flora in the pine forest. Once I reached the sun-kissed pond, I would lay on the grass for hours while the wind played with my hair. The stars winked at me from above, beguiling and beckoning me into their endless light.

I have never before felt such a strong connection to the land around me. This land felt like it was inside of me and I couldn’t tell where my heart ended and a tree began. The grass was an extension of my feet and toes. My nose feasted on the fresh smells and my taste buds exploded with yummy greens.

Studying Chinese medicine has given me an understanding of yin and yang, and therefore a more intense and realistic experience of my Great Mother. She is both shadow and light, endless conciousness and individual mind, my body and the space between every atom in the universe.

I’ve been reading Great Swan, a book about Ramakrishna. In it, he comments about the difference between ecstatic lovers of god and a jnani, an adept of transcendent knowledge. I understand that in the beginning of our travels through self-awareness, we must work through sets of paradigms. We learn scriptures, and prayers. We create a certain space in our mind for ‘Divine’. We slowly strive to mold our minds and bodies into a tuned container so that we can commune with this almost alien concept of Supreme Oneness. Ramakrishna noted that the mature ecstatic lovers fall in love with immanence and not transcendence. “The lover wants to taste the ineffable sweetness of sugar, not to become a transparent crystal of sugar.” I find myself flipping constantly between these two states. I truly yearn for a transcendently ecstatic state, unattached to happiness and tears, but find myself lost in the demanding physical world.

My heart is addicted to sweets. Whenever I imagine the sweet nectar that is my life, my heart giggles and joyously dances through the universes inside of me.

my innermost desire

2005-05-24T11:29:00.000-04:00

I've had some very dramatic occurrences in my life this year. So far, 2005 is my most adventurous year yet-and I mean this at every level. Physically, I have been completely rehauled, so to speak. I'm braver emotionally than I've ever been, and have been incredibly rewarded for it. Spiritually, I have developed a level of understanding the universe that thrills me to my toes.

Despite all of this great stuff happening to me, I've been experiencing shocking levels of fear and anxiety these past 2 weeks. My body feels uncertain, shaky. My heart (physical) seems weak and skitterish.

I see these as signs of separation from who I AM. As long as I have that true connection with my Heart, the seat of my Divinity, there is absolutely no reason to fear. That from which my body was created will now and all-ways nurture, nourish and sustain it. If my body truly had a lasting connection to this knowledge, there would never be any reason for it to fear or malfunction.

My mind has been racing, and I've experienced very disturbing nightmares. I want to focus on something and it inevitably races the opposite direction. There are a million opportunities in front of me, and I could grow prosperously from any of them. How do I know which one is my destiny?

My innermost desire is an unbreakable and lasting connection with that which creates my Destiny.

I want my mind to be the last intelligence I go to for answers, comfort or guidance.

I want the whispers of my Heart to become an unendingly thrilling song, constantly filling my soul and world with its magnificient and humble brilliance.

I want to look at another human being, and see nothing but that same Divine current that I AM existing in.

I want to stop using the word "I".

May the blessings of God rest upon you.

A Divine Blessing

2005-05-20T17:36:00.000-04:00

I was intimately involved in the treatment of a lady this morning at school and it drove home one of the many blessings granted to me. Words are truly an inferior mode of communication when it comes to light and love, because I do not see how I can relate to you what occurs between patient and practitioner.

Imagine this: Every day you wake up, happy and refreshed, excited. You go to work and are met by beings from every walk of life: young, old, student, teacher, farmer, executive. They come to you of their own free will, and allow you to discover their aches, their sorrows. You are the beneficiary of the gift flowing from their eyes-those windows into their souls. Slowly, as you develop a more intimate relationship, they look at you differently. You can see this transition within the span of one treatment: there is wonder in their eyes, because perhaps for the first time ever someone, anyone, is looking at them like a unique precious gift that deserves to be well, cared for, and loved.

This is my privilege: to love, care for, and look into the eyes of the most precious beings imaginable.

gloves are off

2005-05-19T01:02:00.000-04:00

I realize I've allowed myself to waddle in justifiable self-pity. I played this game by taking on the role of a 'damsel in distress', or as I so eloquently put it the other day "a simpering southern belle." It is true that I haven't been feeling well, but that is because there has been a conflict inside my mind. To be more correct: there has been a disparity between my thoughts and my actions.

I've learned that thinking one thing and doing another is a surefire recipe for frustration and loss of self-respect. Sai Baba says "Dharma is created when the mind is purified by Love." Having Dharma (correct thought) doesn't do anyone good if it is not acted upon. Dharmashakti is my goal. This is taking correct action.

I'm ready. There are endless universes inside of me, simmering and mesmerizing. I want you to be able to experience them.

The gloves are off, my friend.

sweetness

2005-05-16T12:15:00.000-04:00

My brother Carlos called me an optimistic butterfly yesterday. He was trying to be mean but it just made my day. :D

learn all the rules

2005-05-16T12:14:00.000-04:00

I created my destiny sometime ago. Exactly when is a subject of heated debate between those who presume to be experts about religion or spirituality. It has been my experience that experts know nothing. Anyone who goes outside of themselves to learn about what is outside of themselves is, sadly, just being distracted.

I began to read a book by Pico Ayer, Abandon. In it, there is a professor of Religious Studies (an expert on Sufism) who commented "you have to learn all the rules, and then throw them out the window." I liked that. The rest of it I didn't like. For here I had a group of highly intelligent men in this elite circle of Religious Studies, esoterically atempting to find the secret to illumination, ecstasy, and love. It could have been laughable, but it was actually saddening. I hurt when reading that they are picking apart Rumi's poems, rather then living them. How can you read those poems and not feel an impulse to really live? Is it just me?

I feel lonely when I read books like that. Later I'll remember to listen to the whispers of my Heart, and hope that soon they will become the only thing I hear.

i wonder how the moon

2005-05-14T23:43:00.000-04:00

I wonder how the moon gets pregnant every month. Well, I have an idea, as Tukaram once wrote:

I think the moon is
pregnant again.

I hope she
won't sue me
this time.

I wonder if Tukaram is around here somewhere. There is a reason why my life was spared. Maybe he knows more.

I'm waiting.

Know Thyself

2005-05-14T12:56:00.000-04:00

My Heart spoke once again:

Beautiful One: some call me Father, others Friend. Call me whatever you wish, for I am the Beloved. I am here.

There is no part of you that is not within me. There is no part of this world that is not a part of my Existence.

Roles you play of Mother, Father, Lover, Friend are but practice so you may better understand how to become who I AM.

Cherish the life within you. Cherish the breath around you.

Remember Beloved: there are universes waiting to be born inside of Me.

reacting

2005-05-12T15:52:00.000-04:00

I find myself around a lot of people now that I have returned to school, and thus have a chance for observation. It seems like it is very easy to become stuck in our frustration. We find ourselves not liking something, and despite attempts by others to make it better, we get stuck in our frustration. Like with my little brother: we picked him up from school because he didn't like the lunch there. He was frustrated. Despite the fact that we picked him up and took him somewhere, he became stuck in a grumbling unhappy mode.

Why? We have a choice in how we react to situations. Is it really so difficult to switch to seeing the good? To being happy? Maybe this depends on what we expose ourselves to on a day to day basis. Basically, what I aspire to is the following poem by Hafiz:

God and I
have become
like two giant
fat people

living
on a
tiny boat.

We keep
bumping
into each other
and

l
a
u
g
h
i
n
g
.

birth and creation

2005-05-10T11:13:00.000-04:00

There are universes yet to be born inside of me.

At night, when I close my eyes and breathe in synchronization with SOHAM (I AM), I feel world upon world gently growing with every beat of my heart.

Why do we say that living this life is our only destiny? As Hafiz laughingly proclaimed: "Our Destiny is to turn into Light!" There are endless possibilities.

There are universes yet to be born inside of me.

huh.

2005-05-07T21:50:00.000-04:00

apparently, emotionally mature relationships are rather rare. I've been blissfully unaware of this, as most of my friends are so freakin' cool. I can't imagine wanting to grow with someone and having them act like a five year old. I don't understand people who live by pride alone, rather than living to our fullest potential. I know that life can cause pain and confusion, I've experienced my fair share, but it is so much more than that! Every negative thought or memory is completely eclipsed by a glance out my window. I see warm, clear sunlight shining upon an emerald forest. I see my beautiful baby brothers, with their caustic humor and loving hugs. I love life-no matter what. Why not just live it?

The Big Blue (as seen by Akemi)

2005-05-04T16:30:00.000-04:00

I received my copy of this movie yesterday from Netflix, and promptly put it on as soon as I got home at 5. Good thing too, because it was almost 3 hours long. It was a delicious 3 hours, though. If you don't like endings spoiled don't read this!

It was a very, very deep story. At the end of the movie I had to sit for a few minutes to soak it in. Immediately after I spent about 1 hour going back and reviewing scenes to understand the journey a bit better. This is what came to me:

These two men, Jacques and Enzo, by Grace, knew exactly who they were and what they were here to do. Early on, their life is defined by water, and diving. You see Jacques swimming and feeding the fish, later going back and doing it again. In the end, he chooses that world over this, because he knows who he is. Nothing-not earthly love, not companionship or sex, even a child-can make you deny who you are. He came from that world and had to return to it. This is an amazingly powerful analogy of our own journey here. We come from a different world, not this one. However, unlike Jacques, most of us have layer after layer of misdirected crusty energy on us, and we cannot see clearly who we are. We get lost in the world. Jacques enjoys his life. He makes fun of his uncle, he makes love to Johana, he eats Mamma's neverending bowls of spaghetti-but in the end, he is who he is, and that is so powerfully imprinted on every level of his being that he cannot truly deny it and exist. In the end one may think "oh my god! he chose to die!!!" But after thinking about it, I think he chose true life. I don't believe he ever dies, he transforms into those beings he so cherishes and admires-those beautiful mermaids.

I learned another lesson from Johana. As much as her world was Jacques, and there was truly something amazing about her connection with him-she knew she had to do something for herself. She wanted a child. It was very obvious to me (and her), what Jacques' priorities were. The first time they made love he quickly left her to make love to a mermaid.

This is something that I've struggled with: knowing the man that I love so well, knowing his passions and destiny and then allowing it to happen without wanting to have him all to myself! We fall in love with this amazing man, with amazing capabilities and powerfully attractive commitment and dedication-the intensity itself drawing us in. Somewhere along the way, we lose the ability to see that objectively and begin with the fears and desires. "I want you for myself! I'm real! I'm here! Don't go!" When in reality, the reason we connected so much in the first place was that true passion of knowing Self, and fulfilling Self.

My conclusions are as follows:
1.Nothing can change that true vision of Self. Inner Divinity cannot be denied when truly seen.
2. True love is selfless.

Blessed be.

knowing that God exists

2005-05-02T02:06:00.000-04:00

I was very, very sick about a month ago. I'm only beginning to appreciate just how ill my body was. The thing was, that I was so engrossed in being, just existing that I didn't notice much. I wasn't very miserable at all. In fact-I was only miserable those first 2 days after surgery. Ha. It all stopped once I threw up my Percocet :) Haven't been on anything ever since-and I've felt great!

Truly-I was very much in shock. But I was in a place emotionally and spiritually that allowed me to exist in a cocoon of LOVE. Every time I opened my eyes someone lovingly spoke to me. Every time I closed them they prayed over me.

Knowing that God exists is a tricky state. It's been a lively debate topic since the dawn of mankind, and it doesn't look like it's going to end any time soon.

How do I know? It's quite simple. However, our crazy-ass computer minds love to gather data and make it run sprints across our conciousness; every day just parading back and forth often conflicting information. Then for the heck of it, tantalizing us with things, desires, that we don't really want but entertain our mind, thus focusing our life energies on something other than really living.

When I really want to get in touch with God, to know whether Divinity exists, I remember how I know: I'm here.

i want to ache

2005-04-30T13:31:00.000-04:00

Lately I've become numbed by the physical pleasures Divinity provides for us. By physical pleasures I mean: food, sleep, entertainment, etc. They're addictive pacifiers. In truth, realizing who we are is a rather painful feeling, as Hafiz comments: "separation from God is the hardest thing in the world." Once you know, and really allow yourself to be in that space, you're thrown in a plethora of ecstasy: seeking, finding, being. However, if we don't reaffirm that space daily, we can easily go back to our regular numb bodies, minds and spirits. I feel like I've done that this week.

I haven't felt very comfortable these last 2 weeks because of a mild cold, just strong enough to make me annoyed at the loss of energy and inconvenience. It's amazing how quickly the disengage from that inner well can occur. According to my research, it seems like most 'saints' who attain a permanent connection to Divine do so after 20-30 years of work. It's hard for me to realize constantly how young I am, and how much future is really sitting in front of me. I am realizing this more and more, and am being much less hard on myself. This ability allows me to use my daily activities and 'retrogressions' (as I might see them) as lessons along the path to my Inner Castle.

Just Sit There Right Now
by Hafiz, Translated by Daniel Ladinsky

Just
sit there right now.
Don't do a thing. Just rest.

For
your separation from God
is the hardest work in this world.

Let me bring you trays of food and something
that you like to
drink.

You can use
my soft words
as a cushion
for your head.

feeling

2005-04-29T22:34:00.000-04:00

Today's been a weird day. I haven't been feeling much ardor or passion today and i find myself increasingly depressed and frustrated. I didn't really do anything that I wanted to do today, because I didn't really know what I wanted. After some thought, however, I came to the conclusion that I never took the time today to find out what it is I want. I tell you what, it is harder than it seems.

I was going to go into this whole philosophical discussion about this, but to be honest: I was mad because my brother would not take me to see Kung Fu Hustle. He just changed his mind! I have only five minutes to become super-hot ;) (you can tell I've been home for too long) so I have to let y'all ponder my first paragraph intensely!

on Divinity and Curiosity

2005-04-28T14:49:00.000-04:00

I find myself more curious than I have ever been. I look at a squirrel and wonder what it is like to be a squirred...what does she think about? talk about? is she really mad at the other squirrel or are they playing? I see the trees dance in the wind and wish to be held tenderly by it as well.

There are parts of me that I've ignored, or not given sufficient energy to in the past few years of my life. After surgery, I feel as if an old crusty layer has been taken off of me, and I can truly see and hear for the first time. I feel a little incomplete, because I have not developed some gifts that I've been given. These gifts allow me to connect to other people on a day to day basis. A new batch of messages from Orion arrived (if you wish to suscribe leave me a comment), and I connected with the following passage:

On a smaller scale, each of you can affect a change and inspire those around you. You can breathe hope and love into a world controlled by grade and greed—by following the tenets of your own beliefs and in your own way, placing DIVINE above mundane, placing spiritual growth at the head of your list of goals rather than as a sideline, embracing love of the Divine above all else. There is no time like the present moment to consider your own evolution as the powerful tool it is. To change the world, change first yourself.

The idea of placing Divine above mundane is incredibly powerful for me. Just thinking about it elevates every part of my being to a new level...I feel my cells jumping at the chance.

I've decided to utilize my every action to become closer to the Divine. Normally, I would beat myself up for watching certain tv shows, or some such thing. The other night I decided to ask myself what it was about that particular show that made me 'happy', what did I get out of watching it? Through this process I discovered a Divine secret, one that is not a secret at all, but a universal truth that was not obtained through fasting and prayer but rather self-inquiry.

I need to develop unshakable faith in the Divine, that it is truly powerful above all else. So far I feel like the only way to do this is to live in the Divine and give power to nothing else.

Blessings to You, Beloved.

i love my puppy

2005-04-28T12:14:00.000-04:00

DSCF2132
Originally uploaded by dharmashakti.

this is chico, the old soul who chose to be my dog, and who thinks he knows more than anyone else in the family. ha!

please

2005-04-26T01:53:00.000-04:00

every time you open your eyes, open your heart as well, and remember to be one of God's shining miracles.

We owe life at least that much respect.

all clear

2005-04-25T20:55:00.000-04:00

I went to the oncologist today, and the all clear alarm sounded! my CT scan is clean, and my blood tests are back to normal (apart from slight anemia). yay! the Dr said that with the dysgerminoma that I had there was a 10-15% history of recurrence in the other ovary. So for the next five years there will be very frequent visits to his office. I go back for another CT in 2 months! yuck. that stuff I have to drink is not pleasant, but alas, it is for the good of this very hot bod ;D

I actually experienced boredom last night-a very good sign of recovery! as a result, I went to clinic at my school and partook of observing patient treatments. I was interested and engaging in conversation-all very good signs, I think. Class starts next week, and I think by then I'll feel even better.

I've been wearing my contacts for the past couple of days, and so have been able to see my eyes. They've changed. I've changed. A lot. I feel stronger, more secure and stable. My soul is much like Helen Keller's, who said "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." I'm going to start doing what I want to do: canoeing, kayaking, sleeping on the grass, talking to the squirrels I share the trees with. I can do more with my relationship with my father, and am excited about connecting with him on a deeper level. Day before yesterday he took me to a park and we walked for a few minutes, and sat down and looked at the trees. I felt good.

you're someone's soul mate

2005-04-24T06:26:00.000-04:00

I believe soul mates are an intrinsic part of our journey through life.

I don't agree with the 'historical' definition of soul mate--of that one magical person whom you shall meet and live happily ever after with-although that could be true(why not?). To me, a soul mate is a being that's incarnated on this earth, around the same time you have, and has part of the journey to share. That is, part of your journey, that exhilarating, indescribable light-filled journey, comes with magical companions!

Do we all find these glowing, nurturing beings? of course not! the majority of us are not anywhere near the path we said we were undertaking before we were born! Most of us choose security over passion. Our fear of chaos and loneliness, rejection and poverty overshadows that vibrant vision written in every cell and atom of our fierce being. Indeed, if everyone actually followed their heart without fear, without hesitation,don't you believe that the world would be transformed?

I've been blessed with the discovery of several soul mates. Their presence in my life remind me of how all relationships should be. I want the closeness, the comfort, the exhilaration and excitement of sharing with every being in creation.

live, live, live!

2005-04-23T14:28:00.000-04:00

did you know that i love gospel music? i'm listening to the Birmingham Sunlights' In the Garden (my Lord walks with me, and talks with me...) They have so much soul! I always get so inspired. Writing about inspiration, the past couple of days I've felt the need to be inspired. I've realized how much i truly love my life and everything that i have available to me. I don't want to waste breaths. why would i? i've been given a new life. It's time for me to be Akemi, no ifs, ands or butts about it ;D I'm actually a very active person, believe it or not. (i'm talking to those of you that know me). i haven't been following through on it lately but all that's changed!

it is raining and cool here in florida. the green in the trees makes my heart squeal with happiness.

i'll write you more later, cutie pie. i'm distracted by music that moves my soul....

i love you.

something new

2005-04-19T04:04:00.000-04:00

i've been reading Daniel Ladinsky's "Love Poems from God" for about 3 days straight...over, and over and over...and I find myself trembling and excited. I feel like I'm at the verge of some great cataclysmic event that will forever change my molecular structure. As I was tossing in my sleep last night, I thought: should I seek comfort in my Lover's face? The thought faded...a few minutes later it hit me that this was something I should really look into. I wrote this poem today:

I trembled in tortured ecstasy for
You, Wise One.

An earthquake overtook my cells the
other night while I contemplated the following
thought: Should I seek comfort in my Lover's face?

While I wanted to so badly my cells
jumped at the chance,
I've never felt closer
to feeling what those great saints have.

I've become addicted to desire.

Don't worry, Luminous One.
My addiction is strictly for that sweet
nectar Your luscious and almost vulgar
breasts promise they have.

at the oncologist's

2005-04-18T22:07:00.000-04:00

I have to admit: I'm a little scared. I had my appointment with the oncologist today, just for a follow up visit reccomended by my surgeon. I really haven't given it that much thought...I believed I'd just go in and come out the same. Sometimes I wonder if i've learned much from life.

my blood count is up :) it could stand to be higher, but eggs and herbs will take care of that ;D however, last he saw, 1 tumor marker was still kind of high and there is another test he wants to run. I also have to have a CT scan to make sure I'm all clear. I guess i just got nervous because he started to talk about our options, with chemo, and the chance of me losing my fertility for a couple of years. it's just scary to contemplate. I mean, i've been gifted with sight of my reason for embodiment, and am eternally grateful for it. I know anything i have on top of fulfilling that is just icing on the cake: every time i fall in love, every friend i cuddle with, every laugh i wryly coax out of my mother...all those are just gifts. i know i'm not here to be married and have children, although that in itself is a very high mission indeed. but somehow, the possibility of that being taken away is very challenging for me. i wasn't expecting another test so quickly, but my Beloved is impetuous and spontaneous like me.

i asked myself if it was a child that i wanted so much, would i bear one in the next two years, given the choice? no. that's not what i'm to do with the time at hand...merging is my goal, Beloved.

still, there is something about not being able to...

Lord bless me and protect me. Amen.

fort desoto

2005-04-18T11:10:00.000-04:00

stark
Originally uploaded by dharmashakti.

so mami and I ended up in Fort Desoto (St Pete Beach) for the weekend. It was so beautiful! I loved the park, it was so huge, had like 3 different beaches. The weather was perfect. I truly enjoyed the time I had there, and yearn to go back with more of my loved ones.

Mom and I talked a lot about a lot :) She commented that she was glad we were compatible travelers. I am too. She drove and I told her where to go!!! It was great! lol.

I began reading Gandhi's Book of Prayers, in which he translated several vedic texts, as well as prayers in other traditions, that were used in his ashram. I was really touched. I love chanting the vedas, and it feels soooooooo good--it's great to know why. I think Gandhi and I need to sit down and have an intimate conversation. I'll let you know how it goes.

I feel like i'm going crazy

2005-04-18T01:25:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm going crazy. I've been so peaceful and effortlessly detached from relationships at a human level--I know that sounds crazy to some of you, but that's not the crazy part. It has been very good for me, and has allowed me to go through the past few months, all very challenging for me. I see that it has also helped those surrounding me live through the seeming nightmare of cancer and surgery. But now, tonight...for two hours I've felt an intense desire to merge...to delve, to sink, to melt into my Other.

This beautiful mirror that came into my life has been good to me, and for me. However, I really can honestly say that I have not felt attached to this Other and I've been proud of myself for that--I'm evolving! in a good way! So when this intense feeling overcame me, I asked myself what I really wanted from this merge. I began to explore these feelings in my head, and found no satisfaction. I reminded myself of my previous conclusion that emotional Love was really dissatisfying for me..what I seek is experiencing Divine Love. I want to experience Love! In every level-as much as I can, for as long as I can. Why should I worry about mundane things? Should I focus on book knowledge and practicalities when the opportunity to experience Divinity is standing in front of me, trembling and excited, like a mermaid that's just discovered a rainbow? I don't know...I mean, I do know, but I don't. That's the crazy part.

I know what I want, a very real part of me does...and I seek and pray for illumination so that it becomes a firm reality in my exterior conciousness, because this not knowing is just plenty annoying, dude. I feel like screaming because I WANT TO MERGE! I want to be ONE in my Heart, in my Soul, in the deepest part of the Ocean that I know exists somewhere inside of me.

Here I was whining because I couldn't write poems as deliciously tortured and ecstatic as Kabir, St Theresa, Hafiz or Rumi. Boy, I gotta be careful what I wish for.

I want to merge with You, Other. It aches, like an ecstatic sadness that courses through my body with currents drunk on sweet wine. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Blessed Be.

paulo coelho and warrior of the light

2005-04-15T13:48:00.000-04:00

how inspiring! I love my personal destiny, that mystical path that is at once perfectly clear in my head and clouded in the mists of Avalon. I get glimpses of it--flashes, if you will; later on, other days, I laze around watching TV and wonder frustratingly what it is I want to do, and why the heck aren't I doing it? Let me DARE to be that which I AM. The story below was written by paulo coelho, favorite author, and you can access this and other beautiful anecdotes at www.warriorofthelight.com

The pianist in the shopping center

     I am strolling casually through a shopping center in the company of a violinist friend. Ursula, born in Hungary, is today a top musician in two international philharmonic orchestras. All of a sudden she grabs my arm:
     “Listen!”
     I listen. I hear voices, adult voices, children shouting, noises of televisions turned on in electrical-appliance shops, high heels clip-clopping on the tiled floor, and that well-known music that is omnipresent in shopping centers the world over.
     “So, isn’t it marvelous?”
     I answer that I hear nothing marvelous or special.
     “The piano!” she says, throwing me a look of disappointment. “The pianist is marvelous!”
     “It must be a recording.”
     “Don’t talk nonsense.”
     Listening more carefully, it becomes obvious that the music is live. Now a Chopin sonata is being played, and now that I can concentrate, the notes seem to conceal all the noise surrounding us. We stroll through the corridors jammed with people, shops, reduced prices, things that they claim everyone has – except you and me. We reach the food plaza: people eating, chatting, arguing, reading newspapers, and one of those special attractions that all shopping centers try to offer their customers.
     In this case, a piano and a pianist.
     He plays two more sonatas by Chopin, and then Schubert, Mozart. He must be about 30; a notice hanging at the side of the small stage explains that he is a famous musician from Georgia, one of the former Soviet Republics. He must have been looking for work, doors were closed, he became desperate, resigned himself and now he is here.
     But I am not sure that he is even here: his eyes look at the magic world this music was composed, his hands share with everyone the love, the soul, the enthusiasm, the best of himself, his years of study, concentration and discipline.
     The only thing he seems not to have understood is that nobody, absolutely nobody has gone there to hear him play, but to buy, eat, enjoy themselves, look at shop windows and meet friends. A couple stops beside us, talking in a loud voice, and then moves on. The pianist has not seen this – he is still chatting with Mozart’s angels. Nor has he seen that there is an audience of two, one of whom, a talented violinist, is listening to him play with tears in her eyes.
     I remember a chapel which I once just happened to enter and saw a girl playing for God. But she was in a chapel, that made sense; in this case, nobody is listening, perhaps not even God.
     Lies. God is listening. God is in this man’s soul and hands, because he is giving the best of himself, regardless of any recognition or the money he received. He plays as if he were in the Scala in Milan or in the Opéra in Paris. He plays because this is his destiny, his joy, his reason for being.
     I am seized by a feeling of deep reverence. Respect for a man who at that moment is recalling a very important lesson: you have a personal legend to fulfill, period. It is of no matter if others support you, or criticize, ignore or tolerate you – you are doing that because that is your destiny on this earth, and the source of any joy.
     The pianist ends another piece by Mozart and for the first time notices our presence. He greets us with a well-mannered, discreet nod of the head, which we answer. But then he returns at once to his paradise, and it is best to leave him there untouched by anything in this world, not even our timid applause. He is setting an example for all of us. When we feel that no-one is paying attention to what we are doing, let us think about this pianist: he was conversing with God through his work, and the rest was not of the least importance.

what is your personal legend?

the mountain of myself

2005-04-14T18:53:00.000-04:00

i stand within the mountain of myself,
shy eyes peering out, wondering if i'm lost.
it seems a magical world,
with butterflies and snow-throwing angels;

the gray soot that seeps into my conciousness
makes me think it is not so

let me take a very hot shower
in this very flowering spring-
perhaps these clogged up caves
in the nooks of my mountain will finally
relax and cease to be.

from the truth...

2005-04-14T13:55:00.000-04:00

"from untruth lead us to the Truth, from darkness lead us to the Light, from death lead us to Immortality." For years I chanted this mantra without truly being aware of whom I was chanting it to. I love chanting, it feels good.

Something changed a couple of months ago. I started chanting to my heart. I decided to change the pitch of my chants until I could feel them resonating in my Heart chakra...and miracles started to happen. For the first time in my life, I felt detached from 'unhappy' or pain-causing situations. I felt like I was transcending the Maya that so many talk about. I was able to prepare and cleanse myself emotionally, mentally, physically to let go of all that which caused Cancer in this body and go through the needed physical process of surgery and recovery. I'll be honest with you, going through that was relatively easy compared to sifting through what I want out of a relationship. I find it interesting, and and incredible revelation. It is good to know one's weaknesses.

I tell you, once I noticed this, I decided to make a change and be strong for once. I am in control of my destiny, I am a co-creator with my Creator. There is nothing that limits me except myself. Even the so-called limitations of karma are nothing if one is truly committed to manifesting nothing but the Divine Light. How blessed was I to overcome cancer so easily, and be so protected? I don't like being told that 'you're living through your karma'. I'm not. I'm living through my LIGHT--karma is nothing compared to sincere constant seeking of manifestation of divinity. I'm here to tell you this loud and clear. Do not allow your circumstances to dictate who you are or what you'll be. Only your heart, the seat of your Divinity, has the authority to do so.

In Love,

OM TAT SAT